I Wrote This Four Years Ago ….. I wrote this post on facebook four years ago. Apparently I had a sense that things were going downhill before I had my breakdown. Today I'm reminded that we must remember to be careful how we treat people > what we do > how we do it > what we say / how we say it / & with what tone. Have something helpful to say? Say it in a kind and helpful way. Have something hurtful to say? Say nothing. We don't always know what is going on in someone else's life. What challenges they are facing, be they physical or emotional. How fragile they might be. How close to the edge they might be walking. I know what it's like to walk perilously close to the edge & how the touch of a feather would be all it would take to topple off that ledge. We need to be certain that 'we' are not the feather that pushes someone off the cliff. For many people life is like walking on a tightrope. Every step holds danger, anxiety, fear....
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And So It Begins …… We finally have a fair show booking after 2yrs of no shows due to covid 19. We are booked for seven weekends at Downey’s Farm in September and October. I’m looking at getting some signage and fencing to enhance our area and also for branding. Not to mention hiding some of the clutter that accumulates outside the ring. I’m not sure what I can afford. I have a little bit of cushion financially right now, thanks to the tv show job, but I don’t want to squander it. I feel like I’m hoarding my money now that I have some 😊 I’m so afraid of it running out and being short again. But putting some money into the show is a necessary expenditure. I just need to be careful what I spend and what I spend it on. But the bigger issue with all of this is “boundaries”. My team members don’t always respect...
Running On Empty I haven’t slept for 2 nights in a row and this morning I had to get Jed to the vet for an 8:30am appointment. I’m exhausted. I feel light headed and a little shaky. I was going to go for a covid vaccine today. I called the pharmacy to confirm that they did walk-ins because I had worked up the courage to go and wanted to get it over with. But as it turned out, they were not doing vaccines today so gave me an appointment for Monday. It’s probably just as well because I’m not feeling well today and probably shouldn’t be driving. I’m running on empty. I’m completely depleted. Mentally and physically Covid Vaccine Got my first covid 19 vaccine today (Monday). I got the Pfizer vaccine at 1:30pm and it is now 10:30pm and so far no side effects and my arm is not sore. Follow Up ….. ...
Leveling Out My emotions seem to be leveling out over the past couple of days. Tuesday I started to feel a bit better. And Wednesday a little bit better again. Today I’m doing okay but feeling some anxiety. Perhaps the recent downward spiral was the result of a few weeks of being very busy and probably trigger stacking, and then once the show wrapped it was a matter of ‘coming down’, or in my case, crashing from the weeks of adrenaline spikes. There are times when coming home triggers a host of emotions including those feelings of being alone, unloved, unwanted, unworthy. The thought of coming home to an empty house. No one to talk to. No one to care about or who cares about me. Sometimes I just don’t want to come home. I just can’t bear it. Meanwhile I’m trying to work up the courage to go and get a covid 19 vaccine. ...
Good-Bye Zen and Toonie I ended up having to have Zen euthanized. The paddock seems so empty without him. And my old cat, Toonie, also passed away. Really Not Doing Well I seem to be unable to regulate my emotions. I just want to cry all the time. I have so much to do and yet, can’t manage the energy or motivation to do anything productive. Even making entries to this blog are more than I can manage most days. I’m easily triggered these days. And there are many many triggers. I can’t concentrate to read. I need to work on taxes and had a threatening letter about getting them done in 30 days. I don’t know how many days ago that was as I now cannot find that letter. But it’s hanging over my head as a threat and that makes me afraid. But I still can’t manage the mental energy to work on it. I slept alm...
Downward Spiral I'm feeling really emotional today my emotions are all over the place. We worked on set last night. It wasn't too late, maybe 1:00 AM, but I'm feeling really broken and dejected and I guess at a loose end. It's 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I literally just got up and I want to go back to bed. I want to just lie in bed all day and sleep and do nothing but I have to teach tonight. I'm hoping it's only one class when I check the schedule because I just don't feel that I have the energy mental or physical energy to be all smiles and positive and helping people. Last night was going pretty well and then someone came in and sort of took over. Suddenly I wasn't needed anymore and my old nemesis *rejection* surfaced. I was pushed to the sidelines. Someone took over my job and I don't know if no one noticed or if no one really care...
Assertiveness Another part of what is getting me down is my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) with being assertive. And these jobs are forcing my hand in that department. I’m needing to be assertive but I’m so unfamiliar with what that feels like, that I feel like I’m being bitchy. I’m not being bitchy. And I hope that I’m not sounding bitchy. I’m just not accustomed to standing up for myself and I’m so worried about offending people, that I’m second guessing myself and questioning the advisability of being assertive. I know being assertive is necessary, but it feels so uncomfortable. Really Bad Day The worst part about feeling like this is not understanding why I feel like this. I spent the better part of today trying to fight back tears and now I can't hold them back any longer. It's probably a good thing to cry instead of holding the tears back. I don...
Feeling ??? I’m feeling really down today. I have a hard time sometimes identifying my emotions. I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than sad and like I’m going to cry. I’m trying really hard not to be over sensitive or reactive. Yesterday was a long day. We had a group rehearsal for the tv show we are working on. We were at the training hall from 10am until 3pm, and then I had classes to teach. And then the hours of going back and forth in emails sorting out people’s availability for an on site location next week. And making sure everyone is able to drive in for covid testing before the shoot day. So a very long and tiring day. Ah ….. part of todays emotion is about rejection. It just hit me! The other movie job is going behind my back and contacting the dog owner directly with requests for training, practice, and meeting on location. They’ve ...
Revelations! So I’ve been in a funk since last Thursday. The zoom production meetings seem to have triggered it. And I was unable to put a finger on why I was feeling so anxious, and weepy, and agitated. It wasn’t until Sunday that I recognized what was causing my distress. It’s boundaries. I’m struggling with boundaries not being respected. We are setting boundaries for the dogs on the shows we are working on and production is not respecting those boundaries. They are pushing us to back down and give into demands that are unacceptable to us. Boundaries are difficult for me in the first place. Setting them and maintaining them. Having to stand firm on boundaries and the internal fight not to back down is challenging. And it’s emotionally exhausting trying to stay strong. Having boundaries challenged and feeling disrespected is upsetting. ...
Haven’t Had The Mental Energy To Write It’s been a few weeks since I last made an entry. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts. I got my friends SUV and all went well switching ownership. With safety check, new licence plates, ownership tranfer, and taxes (they tax on the value of the vehicle) it cost me $747.00. Not bad for a new to me vehicle!!! I’ve also been really busy with teaching and getting this pit bull tv job organized. We were on set one day last week from 7:30pm until 4:30am! The tv job is stressful. They keep changing their minds about things. Money has been a little more abundant recently too. This past couple of months I haven’t had the same panic about making ends meet. I’m starting to stress out a little now though because the bank balance is going down and no new money is coming in right now. Our trauma group ...
Anxiety My anxiety is really high again today. A couple of days ago I got some paperwork about a credit card wanting to take me to small claims court for the balance I owe them. Of course, my instant reaction to everything is fear. I’ve talked to these people time and again and they do not listen. I paid credit card protection insurance for years. It was sold to me on the pretense that “if ever something should happen in life and you should lose most or all of your income and are unable to pay the credit card bills, the insurance covers you.” But when exactly that happened, and I called them, I was told, “oh no the insurance only covers you for death or dismemberment”. A second representative told me to make a claim to the insurance under disability (for mental health, as I was at the beginning of this journey). I sent in the ...
That Old Feeling ……. That old feeling of, “I’ll never be loved”, has been haunting me recently. The feeling of loneliness and being ‘alone’ is at the forefront of my thoughts the last little while. I know I’ve said/written it before, but I feel like I’m too old and it’s too late for me to ever know love. My parents never told me they loved me. My dad only mentioned it in the last year of his life. But I grew up never being told I was loved. And even in relationships, I wasn’t told I was loved. And one of my core beliefs is that I’m unloveable. I read an article the other day that shattered me completely and sent me into a deep chasm of sadness. The article, written by a psychologist, said that in order to have someone love you, you have to first love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself you don’t have the ca...
Finances For the first time in two and a half years, it’s the end of the month and I’m not in a panic about not having enough money to pay the mortgage and property taxes. For the first time in two and a half years I have enough money to meet the bills. In fact, I have more than enough. Not a lot more, but enough to ease my stress. And enough to pay my cousin back half of the money she loaned me a year ago. And that makes me feel good. The Animals In My Life My current animals include dogs, cats, a pot bellied pig, a guinea pig, 2 baby axolotls, 2 sheep, 2 mini-donkeys, 3 ponies, and a llama. Past pets have included cockatiels, lovebirds, rabbits, goldfish, ducks, and goats. I did have chickens for awhile but they weren't pets …. they were for eggs. Thinking back, I remember a budgie or two in my childhood; and a gerbil at on...
Self Compassion Knowing that therapy is hard is grounds for self compassion. In theory, the skills we are learning in therapy sound simple, but they require a huge change in the brain. I’m fighting against deeply ingrained core beliefs. And I realize that I’m still haunted to some degree, by the stigma surrounding mental health issues. How do I know this? Because when Sean talks about us not being alone, the thought that goes through my mind is that I’m part of a population of broken people. Butty Sandwich My Dad came into my thoughts tonight. I was craving something to eat and Butty Sandwich popped into my mind. My dad used to make a sandwich with either a hashbrown or french fries between two slices of buttered bread. He called it a ‘butty sandwich’. I’m not sure where that name came from but suddenly I was craving a ‘butty sandwich’. S...