Feeling ???

I’m feeling really down today.   I have a hard time sometimes identifying my emotions.  I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than sad and like I’m going to cry.    I’m trying really hard not to be over sensitive or reactive.   Yesterday was a long day.   We had a group rehearsal for the tv show we are working on.   We were at the training hall from 10am until 3pm, and then I had classes to teach.  And then the hours of going back and forth in emails sorting out people’s availability for an on site location next week.  And making sure everyone is able to drive in for covid testing before the shoot day.   So a very long and tiring day.

Ah ….. part of todays emotion is about rejection.   It just hit me!   The other movie job is going behind my back and contacting the dog owner directly with requests for training, practice, and meeting on location.  They’ve cut me out of the conversation.   I’ve put a good number of hours into this project and now I’m being shunned.  The dog owner is a friend of mine and she is keeping me in the loop and said that she is very uncomfortable with them calling her directly.    She said, “ this is your gig, I'm just the dog owner”.  And that's basically how it's done.   Someone from production contacts someone like me who sources out the dog talent and availability of said dog.   They negotiate with me on everything from price to training , and then it goes down the line from me to the dogs owner/ handler.   And I’m usually on set for the job.   Now we do have a conflict of shoot dates here.   One of the days on this movie overlaps one of the tv show shoot dates.   So the person I’m working with on the tv show suggested that his sister could go on set with the other dog on the overlap day.   And this is how this mess got started.   It’s like suddenly  I’ve handed over the job and am no longer involved.   As it turns out though the overlap day is the same day we need this person on the tv show, so she wouldn’t be able to go on set for the movie anyway.   

I’m trying to stay calm and not let my emotions hijack me.   It’s possible that these people are not intending on stepping on toes.   It’s possible they don’t realize that they’ve broken chain of command.   Even though they’ve been in this business long enough to know how things work.

I’m feeling rejected.   And it’s triggering all those core beliefs about not being good enough, not being worthy,  and feelings of being unwanted and insecure.   Damn this trauma!!   

I'm very unhappy today.  The tears are near the surface.  I have no energy.   I just want to go back to bed and disappear.   I can't focus.   I'm not functioning well today.