Self Compassion

Knowing that therapy is hard is grounds for self compassion.  In theory, the skills we are learning in therapy sound simple, but they require a huge change in the brain.  I’m fighting against deeply ingrained core beliefs.    And I realize that I’m still haunted to some degree, by the stigma surrounding mental health issues.   How do I know this?  Because when Sean talks about us not being alone, the thought that goes through my mind is that I’m part of a population of broken people.   

Butty Sandwich

My Dad came into my thoughts tonight.   I was craving something to eat and Butty Sandwich popped into my mind.  My dad used to make a sandwich with either a hashbrown or french fries between two slices of buttered bread.   He called it a ‘butty sandwich’.   I’m not sure where that name came from but suddenly I was craving a ‘butty sandwich’.   So I made one  😊

 

Noticing Happy

I just got home from work and I’m feeling happy.   Yup, I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling is happy.

I brought home two baby axolotls tonight.   They are nine weeks old  (which means they hatched on my dad’s birthday)   A friend had hatchlings quite some time ago and I had put myself on the adoption list.  Those hatchlings didn’t survive, but this more recent batch of eggs hatched successfully and I was once again in line to adopt a pair.  Over the past few weeks I’ve been second guessing myself about getting them, and thinking of telling my friend I’d changed my mind.   I was feeling overwhelmed with taking care of animals and seriously regretting my decision to get the axolotls.   But I couldn’t bring myself to back out and let my friend down.  Afterall,  she has 32 babies to find homes for.   So I bought an aquarium and told myself that if I find them too much work to add to my already large animal family, I will rehome them.    The little axolotl babies came home tonight.   I’ve installed them in their new tank and they are really adorable.  I’m glad I got them.  They make me feel happy.

Two other happy things happened tonight.   On the way home from work I stopped to buy dog food and it was on sale for $9 off per bag!   And then I opened the mail to find I have a $139 credit on my hydro bill!

I believe what I’m feeling right now is …… happy  😊

 

And We’re Back  ☹

So much for the happy feeling.   Today I woke up feeling agitated and anxious.   I had a bad dream this morning.   My core beliefs attack me even in my sleep.   I woke up from a dream in which someone had turned my car on and left it running which resulted in the thermostat blowing out like it just did in the most recent breakdown.   And someone was berating me for not being able to afford a better vehicle.   And then someone was criticizing me for having so many dogs and telling me how I’ve ruined my life because of them.   And now I feel emotionally drained again.