Revelations!

So I’ve been in a funk since last Thursday.   The zoom production meetings seem to have triggered it.    And I was unable to put a finger on why I was feeling so anxious, and weepy,  and agitated.   It wasn’t until Sunday that I recognized what was causing my distress.  It’s boundaries.   I’m struggling with boundaries not being respected.   We are setting boundaries for the dogs on the shows we are working on and production is not respecting those boundaries.  They are pushing us to back down and give into demands that are unacceptable to us.  Boundaries are difficult for me in the first place.   Setting them and maintaining them.  Having to stand firm on boundaries and the internal fight not to back down is challenging.   And it’s emotionally exhausting trying to stay strong.  Having boundaries challenged and feeling disrespected is upsetting.   Thus the funk.  Interestingly though, once I realized the problem was related to boundaries, the funk began to lift.

My other revelation this past week was related to why I get so annoyed when people don’t answer emails,  texts,  phone calls, voicemails, or messenger.   I hate being in limbo.   It’s connected to rejection.   If people are ignoring me,  my agitation is caused by my old friend ‘rejection’.    I guess it’s a break through to be able to connect the dots and at least understand why I feel what I feel.

 

More Emotional Turmoil

This job is really hitting a lot of triggers these past two weeks.    Last night I received a text message saying that in our upcoming scenes set in a veterinary office,  they want to have two SSE animal control officers and two  SSE vet techs.   And would I be one of the vet techs.    SSE stands for special skills extras.   As soon as I read the text my anxiety shot into overdrive and I got a knot in my stomach and tears welling up in my eyes.  What the ????    It was so sudden and unexpected that it threw me for a loop.   What is this emotion?   Where is it coming from?   In a strange way I felt like I was being backed into a corner,  which of course I was not.   On the heels of that immediate reaction I got a massive headache and began to feel nauseous.   I think my body was telling me this is something I don’t want to do,  but why?    And then of course,  the anxiety about how do I say I’d prefer not to do it without seeming like I’m being difficult.    I don’t know the person I’m working with well enough to disclose that it’s a trauma response.   And now I’m feeling the need to put up that wall,  that façade that hides your true self so no one knows I’m broken.   I'm afraid to say I don't want to do it for fear that people will think less of me.    Or maybe they'll think I'm just being difficult by saying I don't want to do it and then they won't want to work with me anymore.  And I can't say why I can't do it because that would let people know that I have complex trauma and that knowledge might make them want to distance themselves from me.  And I suppose part of the problem here is that I don't feel worthy so I'm always worried about losing what I have.

I'm not 100% sure where this anxiety and emotion is coming from but in reflecting on it I think that it's because it's connected to a part of my life where a lot of my trauma stems from.  Had I been given a choice I don't think I would have chosen to be a performer.  This was something that was decided for me as a small child.  I was put into dance and groomed to be a performer.  But as I think back, I was never really comfortable being in the limelight.    Just as in the rest of my life,  I always felt awkward and out of place.   I think there were some occasions where I felt connected to the performance and comfortable in my own skin.   But most of the time I felt conspicuous,  afraid,  uncomfortable, and like I just didn’t fit in.   As a young adult I did extra work in between dance/tv gigs in order to make money.   I didn’t want to do extra work.  My mother shamed me into it by criticizing my “lack of gumption”.    I did it because it was expected and to not do it meant a barrage of criticism and bullying.   But I hated it.  I hated doing extra work.  I hated being in strange groups of people that I didn’t know.  I hated feeling awkward.    I hated being in front of the camera.   And we weren’t always treated well.  Extra’s were often yelled at and treated like lower class citizens.   I don’t know if it’s the same now but I really don’t want to put myself in a position where I will be demeaned and made to feel inadequate.   I like being behind the camera directing my dogs.  That’s where I feel safe.

So back to how do I tell the person I’m working for that I’d really prefer not to be an SSE.  And will there be fallout?    Will I be, as my mother would have put it, cutting my nose off to spite my face.   But if I capitulate and take the SSE role despite the anxiety it’s causing me,  I’m doing what I’ve always done.   I’m putting everyone else ahead of myself and ignoring my needs.   I talked this out with Sean today and he reminded me that I DO have a choice.   I’m allowed to say no.   I didn’t have a choice in the past but now I do.   I just finally responded to say I’d prefer not to be an SSE.   I hope I haven’t sabotaged my working relationship with this person, and he will still hire me for future jobs.