Good-Bye Zen and Toonie

 

I ended up having to have Zen euthanized.   The paddock seems so empty without him.  And my old cat, Toonie, also passed away.

 

 

Really Not Doing Well

I seem to be unable to regulate my emotions.   I just want to cry all the time.  I have so much to do and yet, can’t manage the energy or motivation to do anything productive.  Even making entries to this blog are more than I can manage most days.    I’m easily triggered these days.   And there are many many triggers.   I can’t concentrate to read.  I need to work on taxes and had a threatening letter about getting them done in 30 days.  I don’t know how many days ago that was as I now cannot find that letter.    But it’s hanging over my head as a threat and that makes me afraid.   But I still can’t manage the mental energy to work on it.   I slept almost all day yesterday and didn’t get up until 2pm today.   Another day wasted.  

 

I’m in that state of paralysis where I’m so afraid of doing something wrong that I’ve just shut down.   I 100% know what learned helplessness feels like.  I’ve lived it everyday of my life and continue to be affected by it.

 

I know I’m in a bad way because there is no joy in my life.  None.   I made the mistake of being hopeful recently, only to have those hopes dashed and be left with a feeling of humiliation and stupidity.    I know it’s probably all in my head.  No one knows what I’m feeling or why.   Half the time I don’t even know the what or the why.   I’m not enjoying teaching my classes right now.  I’m just dialing it in.  And I’m feeling frustrated and annoyed by students who don’t do their homework and are not progressing as they should.   And the ones who don’t listen and just do their own thing,  ignoring what I’m saying and continuing to do things the wrong way.   Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall.  

 

And then there’s covid.   A man came into the dog school the other day,  maskless,  and proceeded to lean over me to show me his dogs vaccination certificate on his phone.  I leaned away as best I could.   I wanted to scream GET AWAY FROM ME!!   In my head I ‘was’ screaming.   Get Away From Me!  Stop Breathing On Me!!     Even without a pandemic I don’t like strangers that close in my space, but with covid looming, I was even more panicked.

 

This ‘down in the dumps’ feeling also brings guilt.   I have things to be grateful for.  This past week I got two donations of dog food.   And I got paid for the recent tv show I worked on.   I should be happy,  yes?    So why am I feeling so miserable?   Why am I feeling so worthless, and useless,  and ….. ???     I feel like I want to die, but then I don’t really want to die.   What the hell does that even mean??

 

I’m feeling really alone, and unloveable,  and rejected.   Why do I feel rejected?   No one has rejected me.   So why do I feel rejected?     I feel like I’m never going to be happy.