Downward Spiral

 

I'm feeling really emotional today my emotions are all over the place.  We worked on set last night.  It wasn't too late, maybe 1:00 AM,  but I'm feeling really broken and dejected and I guess at a loose end.   It's 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I literally just got up and I want to  go back to bed.  I want to just lie in bed all day and sleep and do nothing but I have to teach tonight.    I'm hoping it's only one class when I check the schedule because I just don't feel that I have the energy mental or physical energy to be all smiles and positive and helping people.   Last night was going pretty well and then someone came in and sort of took over.   Suddenly I wasn't needed anymore and my old nemesis  *rejection* surfaced.   I was pushed to the sidelines.   Someone took over my job and I don't know if no one noticed or if no one really cared, but either way I had to really stay on top of my emotions because the tears were coming to the surface and I wanted to cry. And  of course that would have been really embarrassing.  Can’t cry in public and look stupid.    Only those who know how broken I am would understand how I would feel the way I felt.  I felt slighted and at the end of the day, it was our last day on this job, no one said thank you.   I said thank you to my dog people  and let them know they were appreciated,  but no one said thank you to me.   I felt like I’d been just tossed aside.   In an effort not to be hijacked by emotions, I told myself last night,  “it’s because everybody is busy and it's late > it's been a long day and everybody is focused on getting home.”   But today's a new day and I guess I need to learn not to expect too much from people because I kind of thought I'd get an email saying thank you, good job,  it was nice working with you.   But there's been nothing, so I'm feeling weepy and overwhelmed and worthless and used and tossed aside.   And I’m crying and I feel stupid for crying.  What is wrong with me?

 

 

Sorting Things Out

 

Today I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday.   Not a lot, but a little.   Yesterdays emotions are slowly dissipating and I’m regaining balance.   I still feel out of sorts and shaky …. that’s my body’s response to anxiety.   I haven’t gotten much done today.  I’m finding it hard to focus.  And I’m feeling very lonely and unworthy.   Insecure.  Fat.   Ugly.  Too old to have any kind of life.   Too old for anyone to love.   And on top of all this,  I am having to face the decision of having my llama euthanized.   He can’t stand up.  He was flat out on his side for two days and I managed to get him upright in the kush position.  He was able to hold his head up and he became bright and alert once upright.   He’s eating carrots and green grass, and hay.  He’s drinking.  But he can’t get up onto his feet.  He did move himself about ten feet, but he must have crawled.   I spoke to the vet and she said if he can’t stand up the prognosis is very poor and the kindest thing to do would be to euthanize him because an animal of that size lying down 24/7 is going to have pain, not to mention he cannot move away from eliminations.   Today he is less alert.   I think he too, is giving up the battle to try to stand.   My life seems to be surrounded by sadness.