Anxiety

 

My anxiety is really high again today.   A couple of days ago I got some paperwork about a credit card wanting to take me to small claims court for the balance I owe them.   Of course, my instant reaction to everything is fear.   I’ve talked to these people time and again and they do not listen.   I paid credit card protection insurance for years.  It was sold to me on the pretense that  “if ever something should happen in life and you should lose most or all of your income and are unable to pay the credit card bills,  the insurance covers you.”    But when exactly that happened, and I called them,  I was told,  “oh no the insurance only covers you for death or dismemberment”.    A second representative told me to make a claim to the insurance under disability  (for mental health, as I was at the beginning of this journey).   I sent in the forms and was ignored.    Anytime I have a little extra money I’ve paid a small amount to the credit card.   And I’ve responded in writing to ask they they correspond with me via email so that I have a written transcript of what is said.   This is for two reasons.   One is that they lie.  They tell me one thing and then change what they say.  So I need proof of what is said.   The second reason is because I can’t think straight when someone is bullying me and using intimidation tactics.   It’s very stressful and my anxiety hits the roof.   And my brain checks out.

The lady who delivered the paperwork was very nice and tried to explain some options that I could consider.   One was ask a lawyer for advice.   Well if I could afford a lawyer I  wouldn’t need one because I’d have the money to pay off the credit card.   The whole problem is that I lost my income,  and then when I started to get my life back together covid hit and I lost my income again.   I’m barely surviving.   And yet, when I can,   I send a bit of money to the credit card company as a show of good faith.  In fact,  the day before I got these papers ,  I sent $150 payment to them.   So I’m in a state of extreme fear and anxiety because I don’t know what to do.   It’s a situation that I cannot change.   I’m doing the best I can to survive and get by.   Unless there is a drastic change in my income or some kind of lottery win,  there’s nothing I can do.    A friend told me to call the United Way because they have people who can help.   Right now,  today,  I’m not in a state of mind that can talk or think straight.    I’m shaking,  crying, have a headache, and can’t focus.   My fear is consuming me.  My anxiety is driving the bus.

Joule and Paige worked on the television commercial yesterday.  It was a good day that distracted me from the aforementioned credit card issue.  The girls did a good job and I had a chance to socialize with dog friends that I haven’t seen in ages.   So all in all a good day.  It was a long day  (13hrs on set) and I was exhausted at the end.   And when shooting the final behaviour I got a huge muscle spasm / charlie horse in my right calf and behind my knee.  It’s still hurting today.   I felt good emotionally yesterday but today is a huge crash.   It’s not cold but I’m shivering and shaking.  That’s what anxiety does to me.

The baby axolotls died.   That’s another  factor in my mood today.  I didn’t think I’d be emotionally attached to them but I’m really saddened by their loss.  I’m not sure what went wrong.  They were swimming around on Wednesday and then …. dead.  My friend offered to give me two more but I’m not ready to try again.  I feel like I failed them somehow and I’m afraid to possibly have more die on me.   So for now I will dismantle, clean, and pack away the aquarium supplies,  and sell it all.

I should be happy today since the girls did a good job yesterday and there will be income soon.   And the pit bull job is a ‘go’.   And I’m in talks about that.  Reviewing script pages and lining up a great dog for the part.    But I’m not.   I’m overwhelmed.   I’m afraid.  I’m anxious.  And the tears are  flowing.