That Old Feeling …….

That old feeling of,  “I’ll never be loved”, has been haunting me recently.   The feeling of loneliness and being ‘alone’ is at the forefront of my thoughts the last little while.   I know I’ve said/written it before,  but I feel like I’m too old and it’s too late for me to ever know love.   My parents never told me they loved me.    My dad only mentioned it in the last year of his life.   But I grew up never being told I was loved.   And even in relationships,  I wasn’t told I was loved.    And one of my core beliefs is that I’m unloveable.    I read an article the other day that shattered me completely and sent me into a deep chasm of sadness.   The article, written by a psychologist, said that in order to have someone love you,  you have to first love yourself,  because if you don’t love yourself you don’t have the capacity to love someone else.    So that’s it for me.  I’ll always be alone and unloved.   Because I don’t love myself.  I don’t even know what it means to love oneself.   I don’t think I hate myself but I certainly do not love myself.

 

A Good Week

Sometimes good things DO happen.   This past week has been a run of ‘good things’.   All in all,  a positive week.    The following are all the good things that happened this week:

 

1)      brought the baby axolotls home

2)      dog food on sale for $9 off per bag

3)      $139  credit on my hydro bill

4)      No money panic this month > have a little bit of cushion

5)      Was able to pay my cousin back half of the money she loaned me a year ago

6)      My dogs were chosen to be in a tv commercial

7)      Production will pay for them to have their vaccines updated

8)      Vet was booking 6wks out BUT I already had an appointment for Petunia and was able to switch it out for the girls to get their vaccines updated

9)      Won $10 on my 649 ticket

10)  Got word the pit bull tv job is a ‘go’

11)  Got dog food donation for my dogs

12)  Booked a puppy for board and train starting end of week 

 

And even though all those good things happened and I’m feeling a sense of relief financially because the tv jobs and the puppy training gig represent income,  I’m still feeling waves of sadness lurking just under the surface.   I think I’m okay and I feel good(?) and then I can feel a surge of sadness pushing back against feeling good.   I’m not sure I understand why this happens.   Perhaps it’s the core beliefs …… those wretched gremlins whispering,  ‘you don’t deserve those good things’