The Trouble With Core Beliefs The trouble with core beliefs is that they are fused with our identity. Before we learn about core beliefs, we don’t even know we have them. We don’t know that a core belief is a thought , because it feels like who we are. It’s the difference between thinking, “I’m stupid”, versus , “I’m having a stupid thought”, “or I did a stupid thing”. I am vs I did/thought. So one might think, okay if this is a ‘thought’ then all I have to do is think a more positive thought. There are lots of memes and positivity affirmations to support this. And lots of life coaches who suggest it’s just that simple. Think happy thoughts. Choose to be happy. But the problem is, it’s NOT that simple because these core beliefs are so deeply ingrained that they literally ARE a part of who we are. And someone telling us we’re worthwhile or loveable or ‘enough’ when we, at the very core of our being, don’t feel that way, doesn’t help
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What Day Is It? It seems I don’t know what day it is!! I got up early today and got the dogs out, washed my hair, got the laptop set up for todays trauma group session, logged in and sat waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Nothing. I had received two OTN invitations for the session so I wondered if perhaps I’d logged onto the wrong one. Texted Sean to ask which link was correct. Then decided to logout and try the other link. Same response there ….. waiting and nothing. Went back to first link > nothing. Waited a few minutes, then flipped back to the other link. Meanwhile I’m starting to feel panic well up. Questions > why can’t I login > they’re probably wondering where I am and might think I’m bailing on the session. Cue stomach flutters, shaking, and starting to feel super agitated. And then for some reason the thought came into my mind …… it is Thursday right? Checked my phone. NOPE. It’s Wednesday ….. sigh ☹ The e
Out Of Sync Sometimes I feel emotionally stunted. My emotional self doesn’t match my chronological age. I feel out of syn ….. years behind where I should be. Perhaps this plays into the sense of not belonging that I’ve always felt. Imagine a circle and everyone is inside the circle and I’m always on the perimeter. It’s like I don’t quite fit in anywhere. I’m always on the outside. Generations Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying the weight of generations of hurt and trauma. I think of my mothers family and the disfunction and abuse she and her siblings lived through, and wonder what trauma her stepmother endured to make her the abuser she was, and so on down the line. Generations of abuse passed down through the family tree. It feels tragic and triggers an overwhelming sadness. The tragedy of this family has to stop somewhere. The trauma has to end.
Can’t Sleep And it’s 6am again and I’m still awake and not at all sleepy. I was awake until 4:25am yesterday morning, and 6am the night before. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I don’t think I’m feeling particularly stressed but then again, anxiety is part of my ‘normal’, so may have be slightly peaked without my awareness. I haven’t done much again today and once again, feeling guilty for being so lazy. Anger I realized that I don’t really lose my temper with people. I don’t express anger. I’ll feel irritated and annoyed but I supress anything more than that. I think it goes back to never being allowed to express emotion/anger as a child. But I also have a fear of totally losing it. Of losing control. I’ve felt a surge of anger that is frightening. And I worry that if I ever were to walk that path, I might cross the line into violent behaviour. I don’t know why I feel this fear. It’s got to have something to do with core beli
Post Trauma Group/Therapy Session Fatigue It’s 3:45am and I’m still awake. Since I haven’t slept , it feels like the same day. It doesn’t feel like ‘yesterday’ yet. Sleep is what separates the days. After trauma group and then my session with Sean today, I mean yesterday, I felt very drained. I sat down with a cup of tea and fell asleep for an hour. And yet now, sleep eludes me. I’m not sure why the sessions are so draining but consensus is that’s normal. We’re heading into fall now and before long it will be dark by 5pm. I find the loss of daylight, coupled with the colder weather, to be a challenging time of year. The darkness of the season brings on a darkness of mood. It was mentioned during trauma group that time of year may affect mood because it may also coincide with the time of year that a trauma was experienced. It got me to thinking about which of my traumatic experiences might parallel this time of year. The fall season has see
Down In The Dumps Again Feeling a bit down in the dumps again today … {sigh} I’m not 100% sure why. Our ongoing homework from trauma group is to try to figure out where our feelings are coming from. What is triggering what we are feeling. At least I think that’s what we’re supposed to be doing. Trouble is, I can’t really identify the exact emotion I’m feeling. Despondency? I feel tired and without motivation. Without the energy to function. Chores are feeling more challenging. I want to spend the entire day doing nothing … just cat napping. But I can’t do that and that leads me to resent having to do the things that need to get done. It’s 3pm and I haven’t eaten yet today. I look in the fridge and there is nothing that appeals to me. I can’t be bothered to eat. It’s too much work. Just the effort of thinking of what I might want to eat is too draining. Will I ever be normal? Will I ever feel happy or even just not like this? Som
Got Some Things Done I managed to get a few things done this past weekend. On Saturday I drove to the training hall in Burlington to drop off a dog who was going home after a 6wk stay with me. I took Paige and Maisie with me and while there I video taped two exercises for the online Deaf Dog Training program I’m creating, and made a couple of “commercials” for my upcoming classes at ODS. That same day I went to the laundromat, and while the laundry was doing, I went to Walmart, and Sobeys. Then back to the hall to pick up the girls …. I’d left them there as it was too hot for them to sit in the car while I did errands …. and then drove home. So quite a busy day. Once home I posted my ‘ads’ on the ODS facebook page. On Sunday I again drove to the training hall in Burlington, this time to pick up a load of dog food. From there I continued to Toronto to take a little dog home who’d been staying with me for a week. I had Maisie with me and thou
Sudden Memories! I was just thinking about my conversation with Sean today and how I was talking about finding it difficult to “do” things. That paralysis that prevents one from acting on thoughts. And Sean reminded me that I need to pace myself > that it’s okay to get just one thing done. I don’t have to tackle an entire project. I can do one thing and that’s enough. Just now I was bringing water into the house and saw my laundry in the car. I had gone to the laundromat yesterday. And I said to myself, “I did the laundry, yay me!” , and almost immediately I heard that voice from the past saying, “don’t pat yourself on the back for something you should have done days ago”. My mothers voice. Whenever she would ask for something to be done, and either I or my dad would do it, it was never soon enough. She never said thank you. It was always some kind of comment like, “don’t be too pleased with yourself, I asked for that to be done
Blah To A Little Less Blah I’m sort of maybe on the lower ledge of the ‘window’ today. Slowly climbing out of the rabbit hole. The weekend was really rough and all consuming with bouts of sobbing and a feeling that my very soul was hurting. Then on Monday I just felt numb. I felt nothing at all. Just empty. It’s Thursday today and I’m feeling tired and drained both physically and emotionally. Assertiveness And Tracing The Origins Of Core Beliefs Today in group we talked about assertiveness and how many people feel that they can’t be assertive. For myself it’s a matter of confrontation. I don’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind. In talking about it I realized that part of my inability to be assertive is a fear of the consequences of speaking up or standing my ground. Being assertive is risky. I realize that I have lived, and continue to live, a life of compromise. Always capitulating in order to keep the peace, or keep ot
Still Down The Rabbit Hole This all encompassing feeling of sadness will not lift. Every time I see someone happy, it makes me sad. My cousins daughter got married last night . My uncle was not stable enough to be granted a pass to leave the hospital to attend. My cousin cried for her dads disappointment, and I cried for her for the sadness I know she’s feeling. The photos are beautiful but triggered an intense sense of sadness in me. That sadness and hopelessness that says, “you’ll never be loved”, “you’ll always be alone”. Then I saw a meme on facebook that said, ‘Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made. If you want different results, make different choices’. I’m so sick of these types of memes. These ‘get over yourself’ memes. NO ONE CHOOSES TRAUMA! Children don't make choices to be abused. Is this meme suggesting that that a rape victim did something to deserve being attacked? That s/he made a
Deep Down The Rabbit Hole I’m in a really bad place today. Feeling really low . Lower than I’ve felt in a long time. Fighting tears. I can’t let myself cry because my nose will plug up and it’s still too sore to blow. I’m so far outside the ‘window’ that I don’t even know where the window is. (from trauma group > the window of tolerance is where you feel level emotions ….. not too up and not too down). It’s probably a combination of things. My uncles health has taken another downward spiral. He returned home after the stroke and was doing well but then was experiencing a lot of pain in his back and had to return to emergency a few days ago. Once there, they discovered that his blood pressure was very low, but had not explanation of why. My cousin said he’d been weak and looking pale for a few days. Then while there for the pain, he had a ‘small’ heart attack. I’m not sure what ‘small’ means. The slippery slope ….. one thing going