Still Down The Rabbit Hole

This all encompassing feeling of sadness will not lift.   Every time I see someone happy,  it makes me sad.   My cousins daughter got married last night .   My uncle was not stable enough to be granted a pass to leave the hospital to attend.    My cousin cried for her dads disappointment,  and I cried for her for the sadness I know she’s feeling.   The photos are beautiful but triggered an intense sense of sadness in me.   That sadness and hopelessness that says,  “you’ll never be loved”,  “you’ll always be alone”.

Then I saw a meme on facebook that said,   ‘Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made.  If you want different results, make different choices’.  

I’m so sick of these types of memes.   These  ‘get over yourself’  memes.   NO ONE CHOOSES TRAUMA!     Children don't make choices to be abused.    Is this meme suggesting that that a rape victim did something to deserve being attacked?  That s/he made a choice in the matter?  This is very offensive to me.    It suggests that all bad things that happen to us are our own fault.  I wish the people who create these memes would take the time to think through what they are saying.   Get educated about mental illness and trauma.   People suffering/recovering from trauma, like me,  already think it’s our fault.  We don’t need insensitive memes telling us that it’s true.   This meme is an insult to anyone recovering from trauma.  It dismisses and trivializes  the suffering people are going through.

I’m so unmotivated today.   Looking at things that need to be done but not able to lift a finger to get anything done.   I feel helpless today.   Emotionally.  Physically.  Intellectually.  Cognitively.   I’m watching television to pass the time but find myself unable to focus on what I’m watching, even feeling a bit agitated that the storylines are taking so long.   I’m watching as if waiting for it to be over,  just biding the time.   I can’t get this melancholy and despondency to lift.  It feels like a heavy blanket burying me with its weight.