Blah To A Little Less Blah

I’m sort of maybe on the lower ledge of the ‘window’ today.    Slowly climbing out of the rabbit hole.   The weekend was really rough and all consuming with bouts of sobbing and a feeling that my very soul was hurting.    Then on Monday I just felt numb.   I felt nothing at all.    Just empty.   It’s Thursday today and I’m feeling tired and drained both physically and emotionally.   

Assertiveness And Tracing The Origins Of Core Beliefs

Today in group we talked about assertiveness and how many people feel that they can’t be assertive.   For myself it’s a matter of confrontation.   I don’t like conflict or confrontation of any kind.   In talking about it I realized that part of my inability to be assertive  is a fear of the consequences of speaking up or standing my ground.    Being assertive is risky.  I realize that I have lived,  and continue to live,  a life of compromise.   Always capitulating in order to keep the peace, or keep others happy.   The goal now is to trace this back;  where do these feelings come from?   When in life did I learn this?    When,  where,  how did I learn that I had no control …. no voice.   

‘Children should be seen, but not heard’

‘Speak when you’re spoken to’

‘Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry for’

These are but some of the expressions I heard growing up.    I learned that my feelings didn’t matter.   My thoughts/opinions didn’t matter.    Which translated into  ‘I’  didn’t matter.

Assertiveness > lack thereof.   I don’t think it’s just about a fear of  speaking up.  Or perhaps I should say it’s not as black and white as simply a fear of standing ones’ ground.   I think it is connected to something much deeper.    I can see how it might trace back to a few core beliefs.   Fear of the consequences of speaking up or standing ones’ ground …… but where does that fear come from?   Is it explicit as in a memory of a specific event in which the consequences were aversive enough such as to embed a fear of encountering them again?   Or is it an implicit fear …. an emotional memory to which we can offer no specific event as evidence.    Is it related to control ….  losing the battle of fight or flight …. learning you have no control to change a situation and therefore learn that you are unable to assert yourself.    This is going into a very dark place for me.  

This conversation triggered the memory of Liam.   Could this be where that all started?  This would fall into the implicit [emotional] memory category as I was too young to have any specific memories.   But could this be the first place that I learned I had no control?  Could this be the first time I learned that I could not be assertive.  Could not defend myself?    Is this where I learned I was helpless?   Did I try to fight back and encounter negative consequences?    I wish I knew.   I wish I could remember.   Beyond this but related to this,  I would have learned as a very small child that I had no control,  no voice,  when it came to doctors.   My fear was all encompassing and my attempts to fight back were met with being restrained and forced into submission.   The lesson = being assertive brings negative consequences.   I had no voice.   No rights.   I was shown no compassion.   Good little girls did what they were told.

On the other side of my trauma, was the constant belittling from my mother.   There are many explicit memories to reinforce the lesson of fearing the consequences of being assertive.   Being assertive risked being punished by criticism,  having something taken away  (love, dance lessons),  being forced into something scary  (threat of changing schools),  and rejection.    Saying what I wanted was not an option.   I learned early on that the only way to avoid the risks of ‘being seen/heard’ was to become invisible.  Blend in so that no one notices you.   Stay out of the line of fire.   Compromise to keep the peace.

As I grew older and on occasion risked speaking up,  the consequences were not favourable.   When the singing teacher molested me and I told my mother what had happened,  and asserted myself to say I was not going back,  I was met with another assault.   The assault of my mother not defending me and instead defending the singing teacher  (‘he wouldn’t do something like that > it’s all in your head’).   She berated me for ‘wasting good money’ that had been pre-paid for the lessons.   In this instance I did not back down.   I stood my ground.   But I endured my mothers wrath for quite some time.   

Core belief  =  Being assertive is dangerous.