What Day Is It?

It seems I don’t know what day it is!!    I got up early today and got the dogs out, washed my hair,  got the laptop set up for todays trauma group session,  logged in and sat waiting, and waiting,  and waiting.   Nothing.   I had received two OTN invitations for the session so I wondered if perhaps I’d logged onto the wrong one.   Texted Sean to ask which link was correct.   Then decided to logout and try the other link.  Same response there ….. waiting and nothing.   Went back to first link > nothing.  Waited a few minutes, then flipped back to the other link.   Meanwhile I’m starting to feel panic well up.  Questions > why can’t I login > they’re probably wondering where I am and might think I’m bailing on the session.    Cue stomach flutters, shaking,  and starting to feel super agitated.   And then for some reason the thought came into my mind …… it is Thursday right?   Checked my phone.  NOPE.   It’s Wednesday ….. sigh  ☹   The emotion that immediately followed this was a sense of being upset because I’m so stupid.   And Sean is going to think I’m stupid.   I texted immediately to follow up my first message ….. ‘never mind,  I’m an idiot,  I thought it was Wednesday’.    Then realized OMG wrong again.  I had meant to type Thursday.    Talk about looking stupid!!!   Next thought was I better not attempt anything important today ‘cos clearly my brain is not functioning well.   All day yesterday I thought it was Wednesday.  I even put the garbage and recycling out last night.

Validate Emotions

I’ve been told many times over the past year and a half,  that it’s important to validate my emotions …. even those that we may feel are ‘wrong’,  such as anger.    If we can validate our emotions they will come back with less intensity,  and be less painful,  because we’ve been heard.    This is hard to do if as a child, expressing emotions led to being punished or hurt.   Punishment being equated with dismissal (rejection) or being belittled for my feelings.    It’s hard to acknowledge how hard things are and/or have been when there is a deep seated fear of being hurt.

Keeping Up Appearances

Keeping up appearances was a big thing in the days when I was growing up.  Not just for my family,  but for many people.   No matter what the reality of your life was,  you couldn’t let anyone know anything was wrong.    Everyone was striving to put forward the outward image of the Cleavers (Leave It To Beaver) and the Brady Bunch perfect family,  and failing miserably to achieve these unrealistic standards.   I suppose everyone was haunted by feelings of  ‘I’m not enough’ > ‘we’re not enough’.    The trouble with parents being challenged with the ‘I’m not enough’  (often unconscious) thought,  is that it trickles down to their children.   And this is how generations of destructive core beliefs are formed.    My mother had a different voice and a different laugh and even a different smile, in public than at home.    It was important to ‘put on a good front’.   And never, ever,  ‘air your dirty laundry’.   And since it was me ,  my shyness,  my social awkwardness,  that brought unwanted attention our way,  *I was the dirty laundry*.

While I consider myself to be fairly down to earth > I don’t put on airs and graces > I still feel a little bit of that ‘keeping up appearances’ seeping through  ……. I have to put on a good front so that on one will know I’m broken.