Deep Down The Rabbit Hole

I’m in a really bad place today.    Feeling really low .   Lower than I’ve felt in a long time.   Fighting tears.   I can’t let myself cry because my nose will plug up and it’s still too sore to blow.    I’m so far outside the ‘window’ that I don’t even know where the window is.   (from trauma group > the window of tolerance is where you feel level emotions ….. not too up and not too down).   It’s probably a combination of things.   My uncles health has taken another downward spiral.  He returned home after the stroke and was doing well but then was experiencing a lot of pain in his back and had to return to emergency a few days ago.  Once there,  they discovered that his blood pressure was very low,  but had not explanation of why.   My cousin said he’d been weak and looking pale for a few days.   Then while there for the pain,  he had a ‘small’ heart attack.    I’m not sure what ‘small’ means.   The slippery slope ….. one thing going wrong after another.   The pain was caused by a hematoma from a fall he’d had,   and a decision was made to transfer him from the hospital in Midland,  to the RVH in Barrie for a procedure to embolize a gluteal aneurysm.  The concern is that if it were to rupture, it would be a life threatening bleed.   The procedure went well and as of this morning his blood pressure is up a little bit, but still too low.   But now they have discovered an issue with an atrial valve.   He is in the ICU.

Meanwhile, while all of this is going on,  his granddaughter is getting married today.  That’s my other cousins daughter.   She had to cancel her original wedding plans due to covid,  and when my uncles health started to decline,  she decided to have a small wedding at the cottage where my uncle lives,  so that he could be there.   Everything is set up for a romantic wedding on the beach.   They are still hoping that he might be well enough to be granted a ‘pass’ to attend the wedding,  but it’s not looking as if that will be the case.   If he can’t make it to the wedding she will visit him in the hospital in her dress.

So some of the sadness today is because of all of that.   I have a bad, uneasy feeling about things.   And it got me thinking about how with my own dad,  once things start going wrong it’s a downward spiral  …. just one thing after another ,  after another.   Cancer that has metastasized into the spine;  stroke;  gluteal aneurysm;  heart attack;  low blood pressure;  and now issue with atrial valve.   And most of it within the last three weeks.   I’m  worried about my cousin Louise.   I feel for her and cry for her.   She is a very giving person and is very empathic.   She is also the person who bears the brunt of the responsibility for caring for her father as she is the only one who lives geographically close to him.   This is very hard on her.   And I know what she is going through.   I’ve been there.   The stress.  The worry.   The fear.   And the need to be strong for everyone.   

The other side of my depression today is I think related to the trauma groups delving into core beliefs.   Opening the door to core beliefs is a bit like walking into an abyss.   We got a chart outlining Common Core Beliefs.   There were three categories  (1)  Helpless core beliefs;  (2)  Unlovable core beliefs;  (3)  Worthless core beliefs.  I can check off statements in all categories but the most checks fall under the unlovable umbrella.

I’ve been struggling with self image and self worth a lot recently.   I’ve never been concerned about being single because I think I’ve always been too busy or distracted.  And I have lots of single friends so being single has never been a taboo of any kind.  But I think this isolation imposed upon us courtesy of covid 19,  has changed things.   I feel so alone.   I feel physically and emotionally isolated.    Thanks to covid we can’t hug friends.  Can’t even shake hands!    Unless you are lucky enough to have someone in your ‘bubble’,  you have no physical contact with anyone.    There’s no one in my bubble.  The emotional isolation is just as bad.    I have no one to share my thoughts with.    No one to talk to.     Yes we have technology.   We have social media and texting etc.   But it’s really not the same as a real live person.   Astronauts are trained for the challenges of social isolation ….. we, the rest of the world,  are not.    

Connection.   I’m told we are genetically hard wired to need connection.   And yet I don’t think I’ve ever really “felt” it.   But now I’m really feeling the absence of it.  I’ve always felt somewhat disconnected from the world and the people around me.    I saw a meme that said,  ‘Go where your energy is reciprocated, celebrated, and appreciated’.   Where is this place?   Who are these people?    

Circling back to core beliefs ……. I’m unlovable  because if I was lovable I wouldn’t be alone.   If I was lovable  I wouldn’t feel worthless.   If I was lovable someone would show me affection.   If I was lovable people would want to be around me.    If I was lovable people wouldn’t have rejected me.   I was starting to feel a little hopeful recently when a person came into my life whose interests and lifestyle seemed in sync with my own.  It got me to  thinking maybe it’s not too late for me.    It opened my mind to consider the possibility that ‘maybe just maybe’ there are people out there of suitable age/lifestyle who are available.   Of course this individual is spoken for.  Why wouldn’t he be?  People with similar lifestyle to mine are few and far between.   And that realization …. that core belief that it’s too late and I’ll always be alone, overcame me.    I feel consumed with disappointment from the letdown of having allowed myself to be hopeful,  and I’m filled with feelings of  being stupid and naïve enough to imagine for even a moment that there could be someone out there for me.    How stupid was I to let myself embrace the idea that my life could change.   What kind of idiot must I be to think I’m interesting enough,  attractive enough, educated enough, successful enough to be worthy of someone’s interest?  Hasn’t the history of my life proven to me yet that this is not true?    I haven’t attracted anyone’s attention or affection in decades.   Why would that change now?    I feel like there is something about me that makes me repugnant. 

Today I’m overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness,  worthlessness,  and the sense of it being too late now.   I’m too old.   I have nothing to offer.   I feel empty.   

 

I’m in a bad place today.  I’m deluged with emotions of profound sadness.   I don’t want to move or do anything other than sit in a chair and let time pass me by.   I have no energy.   No motivation.  No passion.   For anything.