Sudden Memories!

I was just thinking about my conversation with Sean today and how I was talking about finding it difficult to “do” things.   That paralysis that prevents one from acting on thoughts.   And Sean reminded me that I need to pace myself > that it’s okay to get just one thing done.   I don’t have to tackle an entire project.   I can do one thing and that’s enough.   Just now I was bringing water into the house and saw my laundry in the car.  I had gone to the laundromat yesterday.   And I said to myself,  “I did the laundry,  yay me!” ,  and almost immediately I heard that voice from the past saying,  “don’t pat yourself on the back for something you should have done days ago”.   My mothers voice.  Whenever she would ask for something to be done,  and either I or my dad would do it,  it was never soon enough.    She never said thank you.   It was always some kind of comment like,  “don’t be too pleased with yourself,  I asked for that to be done an hour ago”;  or ,  “finally, it took you long enough”.    Even if it was something she didn’t ask for that one of us just decided to do  ….. clean the bathroom or wash the floors ….. “don’t pat yourself on the back, you should have done that days ago”.

I’d totally forgotten those comments and then they just flooded back into my mind.   When you start unpacking emotions they trigger memories and more emotions.  Sometimes I feel like I’m unpacking a Mary Poppins bag!

 

Panic

I had been reflecting on my progress over the past year and a half and noticing that I’ve been experiencing less generalized fear than when I first started this journey.    I’ve been less anxious in stores.  Less anxious about cars driving behind [following] me.    Less anxious going outside at night.   And since Tahree passed away,  I’ve managed to go out a few times without the security of a dog.   I’m not entirely comfortable with that but … I’ve managed it a few times.  And I was thinking to myself ,   “that’s good, right?”    Then I heard a car horn beeping and went into an instant feeling of panic  >  body tensed up;  stomach turned;  shaking.  I jumped out of my chair to look out the window,  overcome with a sense of fear at who might be there.   There was no one there.   The car horn beeping was on the television.   So I guess I’m not quite as far along as I thought I was.   Maybe some things will haunt me forever.