The Trouble With Core Beliefs

The trouble with core beliefs is that they are fused with our identity.  Before we learn about core beliefs, we don’t even know we have them.    We don’t know that a core belief is a thought, because it feels like who we are.    It’s the difference between thinking, “I’m stupid”,  versus , “I’m having a stupid thought”,  “or I did a stupid thing”. 

 I am  vs I did/thought.   

So one might think,  okay if this is a ‘thought’ then all I have to do is think a more positive thought.   There are lots of memes and positivity affirmations to support this.  And lots of life coaches who suggest it’s just that simple.  Think happy thoughts.  Choose to be happy.   But the problem is, it’s NOT that simple because these core beliefs are so deeply ingrained that they literally ARE a part of who we are.    And someone telling us we’re worthwhile or loveable or ‘enough’ when we,  at the very core of our being, don’t feel that way,  doesn’t help.    If you tell me that I’m worthwhile/lovable but I don’t ‘feel’ worthwhile/lovable,  it creates a cognitive dissonance > two beliefs that are opposing.   I’m reminded of the old tv shows where computers would say, “does not compute”,  as smoke came out of them and they short circuited. 😊   And that’s what happens to us.    When reality and core beliefs do not compute,  we experience that cognitive dissonance and our brains short circuit and we ‘break down’.     So how do we challenge and rectify these fundamental beliefs?   In the trauma recovery group we are learning that the key is to find flexibility in the core belief.   Look for ways to impugn the core belief without dismissing it.   For example:  I often feel unlovable but sometimes people care about me.  This statement opens up a little window in the core belief …. gives it some wiggle room to allow the recognition that sometimes people do care.  And if I can accept that sometimes people do care, then maybe that weakens the core belief that I’m unlovable.   It allows for the possibility that maybe the core belief is flawed.  The key is to find a subtle way to change the narrative of the core belief so as to open it up.

Tracking core beliefs is a difficult task.  Trauma is how the environment has impacted us and can both create and solidify a core belief.   Certain places and/or situations might activate a core belief more than others.   If we can ascertain where/when/how the core belief was drafted, we can better understand the triggers that precipitate  the emotions of that belief.    And thus, understand those unexpected meltdowns  (anxiety/panic attacks) that we have.  

Most of our core beliefs are formed in childhood, by our experiences, and by accepting what others tell us to be true.   Others can be parents,  teachers, siblings, other children, or any adults.   Because we are children we don’t have the ability to deduce whether what we’ve been told is true or false,  so we naturally assume it to be true.   And thus, the core belief is born.   Our strongest core belief is usually the one we’ve held the longest.   The time of life that the belief is acquired, matters.  How emotional was that part of life.   The belief is what was introduced first and has emotion attached to it.

More Memories and Emotions Surfacing

I was watching a tv show last night and one of the scenes featured girls playing basketball in a school gym and everyone was laughing and having a good time, and it reminded me of how much I hated school and gym class.  How I always felt out of place and useless.   Always scared and afraid of getting in trouble.  

Later in the same show there was a scene where a father hugged his daughter and it occurred to me that my father never hugged me.  Ever.  I have no recollection of my father showing me any affection.   It wasn’t until later in his life that he allowed himself to show affection to the animals and even then it was somewhat reserved.   In the last couple of years of his life,  when he was in hospital,  he would squeeze my hand when I was leaving/saying good-bye.   

 I can’t really remember if my mother hugged me either.   I don’t remember much in the way of affection.    But my parents must have hugged me at some point ….. right?