Downward Spiral I'm feeling really emotional today my emotions are all over the place. We worked on set last night. It wasn't too late, maybe 1:00 AM, but I'm feeling really broken and dejected and I guess at a loose end. It's 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I literally just got up and I want to go back to bed. I want to just lie in bed all day and sleep and do nothing but I have to teach tonight. I'm hoping it's only one class when I check the schedule because I just don't feel that I have the energy mental or physical energy to be all smiles and positive and helping people. Last night was going pretty well and then someone came in and sort of took over. Suddenly I wasn't needed anymore and my old nemesis *rejection* surfaced. I was pushed to the sidelines. Someone took over my job and I don't know if no one noticed or if no one really care...
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Assertiveness Another part of what is getting me down is my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) with being assertive. And these jobs are forcing my hand in that department. I’m needing to be assertive but I’m so unfamiliar with what that feels like, that I feel like I’m being bitchy. I’m not being bitchy. And I hope that I’m not sounding bitchy. I’m just not accustomed to standing up for myself and I’m so worried about offending people, that I’m second guessing myself and questioning the advisability of being assertive. I know being assertive is necessary, but it feels so uncomfortable. Really Bad Day The worst part about feeling like this is not understanding why I feel like this. I spent the better part of today trying to fight back tears and now I can't hold them back any longer. It's probably a good thing to cry instead of holding the tears back. I don...
Feeling ??? I’m feeling really down today. I have a hard time sometimes identifying my emotions. I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than sad and like I’m going to cry. I’m trying really hard not to be over sensitive or reactive. Yesterday was a long day. We had a group rehearsal for the tv show we are working on. We were at the training hall from 10am until 3pm, and then I had classes to teach. And then the hours of going back and forth in emails sorting out people’s availability for an on site location next week. And making sure everyone is able to drive in for covid testing before the shoot day. So a very long and tiring day. Ah ….. part of todays emotion is about rejection. It just hit me! The other movie job is going behind my back and contacting the dog owner directly with requests for training, practice, and meeting on location. They’ve ...
Revelations! So I’ve been in a funk since last Thursday. The zoom production meetings seem to have triggered it. And I was unable to put a finger on why I was feeling so anxious, and weepy, and agitated. It wasn’t until Sunday that I recognized what was causing my distress. It’s boundaries. I’m struggling with boundaries not being respected. We are setting boundaries for the dogs on the shows we are working on and production is not respecting those boundaries. They are pushing us to back down and give into demands that are unacceptable to us. Boundaries are difficult for me in the first place. Setting them and maintaining them. Having to stand firm on boundaries and the internal fight not to back down is challenging. And it’s emotionally exhausting trying to stay strong. Having boundaries challenged and feeling disrespected is upsetting. ...
Haven’t Had The Mental Energy To Write It’s been a few weeks since I last made an entry. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts. I got my friends SUV and all went well switching ownership. With safety check, new licence plates, ownership tranfer, and taxes (they tax on the value of the vehicle) it cost me $747.00. Not bad for a new to me vehicle!!! I’ve also been really busy with teaching and getting this pit bull tv job organized. We were on set one day last week from 7:30pm until 4:30am! The tv job is stressful. They keep changing their minds about things. Money has been a little more abundant recently too. This past couple of months I haven’t had the same panic about making ends meet. I’m starting to stress out a little now though because the bank balance is going down and no new money is coming in right now. Our trauma group ...
Anxiety My anxiety is really high again today. A couple of days ago I got some paperwork about a credit card wanting to take me to small claims court for the balance I owe them. Of course, my instant reaction to everything is fear. I’ve talked to these people time and again and they do not listen. I paid credit card protection insurance for years. It was sold to me on the pretense that “if ever something should happen in life and you should lose most or all of your income and are unable to pay the credit card bills, the insurance covers you.” But when exactly that happened, and I called them, I was told, “oh no the insurance only covers you for death or dismemberment”. A second representative told me to make a claim to the insurance under disability (for mental health, as I was at the beginning of this journey). I sent in the ...
That Old Feeling ……. That old feeling of, “I’ll never be loved”, has been haunting me recently. The feeling of loneliness and being ‘alone’ is at the forefront of my thoughts the last little while. I know I’ve said/written it before, but I feel like I’m too old and it’s too late for me to ever know love. My parents never told me they loved me. My dad only mentioned it in the last year of his life. But I grew up never being told I was loved. And even in relationships, I wasn’t told I was loved. And one of my core beliefs is that I’m unloveable. I read an article the other day that shattered me completely and sent me into a deep chasm of sadness. The article, written by a psychologist, said that in order to have someone love you, you have to first love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself you don’t have the ca...
Finances For the first time in two and a half years, it’s the end of the month and I’m not in a panic about not having enough money to pay the mortgage and property taxes. For the first time in two and a half years I have enough money to meet the bills. In fact, I have more than enough. Not a lot more, but enough to ease my stress. And enough to pay my cousin back half of the money she loaned me a year ago. And that makes me feel good. The Animals In My Life My current animals include dogs, cats, a pot bellied pig, a guinea pig, 2 baby axolotls, 2 sheep, 2 mini-donkeys, 3 ponies, and a llama. Past pets have included cockatiels, lovebirds, rabbits, goldfish, ducks, and goats. I did have chickens for awhile but they weren't pets …. they were for eggs. Thinking back, I remember a budgie or two in my childhood; and a gerbil at on...
Self Compassion Knowing that therapy is hard is grounds for self compassion. In theory, the skills we are learning in therapy sound simple, but they require a huge change in the brain. I’m fighting against deeply ingrained core beliefs. And I realize that I’m still haunted to some degree, by the stigma surrounding mental health issues. How do I know this? Because when Sean talks about us not being alone, the thought that goes through my mind is that I’m part of a population of broken people. Butty Sandwich My Dad came into my thoughts tonight. I was craving something to eat and Butty Sandwich popped into my mind. My dad used to make a sandwich with either a hashbrown or french fries between two slices of buttered bread. He called it a ‘butty sandwich’. I’m not sure where that name came from but suddenly I was craving a ‘butty sandwich’. S...
Alone / Unloved / Unwanted I’ve really been struggling the last month or so with feelings of isolation and loneliness. I'm feeling a lack of connection and feeling like I'm always going to be alone. Like it's too late and I'm too old to ever find anyone to share my life with. I want someone that I can take care of and that they can take care of me. I want to feel like if I were to die it would break someone’s heart. I know that sounds awful because we shouldn't want to break someone's heart, but it's a question of wanting to matter enough to someone that if I were to die it would mean something. To matter enough that if I was gone, I’d be missed. At this point in time I don't feel like I matter to anybody. Not for “me”. Sure it would matter to the dog school if I was gone because they’d have to replace me. It would matter to the people who would need to fin...