Alone / Unloved / Unwanted

 

I’ve really been struggling the last month or so with feelings of isolation and loneliness.  I'm feeling a lack of connection and feeling like I'm always going to be alone.   Like it's too late and I'm too old to ever find anyone to share my life with.   I want someone that I can take care of and that they can take care of me.   I want to feel like if I were to die it would break someone’s heart.   I know that sounds awful because we shouldn't want to break someone's heart, but it's a question of wanting to matter enough to someone that if I were to die it would mean something.   To matter enough that if I was gone, I’d be missed.   At this point in time I don't feel like I matter to anybody.   Not for “me”.  Sure it would matter to the dog school if I was gone because they’d have to replace me.  It would matter to the people who would need to find homes for my animals,  but only because they would have the burden of that task.   I don't feel like I’ve ever really mattered to anyone.  I feel like there's no one in my corner who loves me despite my flaws.    I know I have people who feel sorry for me and who have helped me and I appreciate their help but I don't feel loved or wanted.   I don't think I've ever felt loved or supported just for me.  Yes there were times in my life when my parents did things that they said were for me but it was really more for them > for what they wanted and just projected it onto me.   Or maybe there were times when they just felt guilty so they made themselves feel better by masquerading something as being for me when in fact it was really for them and their own needs and desires.

 

For the last little while I've been feeling very  alone very  disconnected, and really feeling like I'm missing something in life  ….  like I've been cheated.   But at the same time I feel too damaged to be in a relationship with anybody.  I feel like I bring nothing to the table.  I mean really if I think about it and be very realistic,  what do I bring to the table.  I’m emotionally damaged.   I have no money > I'm financially destitute.   I’m in debt.  I have a whole bunch of animals.   I'm a burden no matter how you look at it.    Why would anybody want to  be involved with me.   I bring way too much baggage to the table.   I’ve been really consumed with sadness the last little while.     In trauma therapy they say  we're not alone, that there are other people out there who understand.  Which we see by the fact that we have our little group and we all understand   because we've all experienced trauma.   But it's hard to feel that you're not alone when you're physically alone.  When you live in a house by yourself and there's no one in your pandemic bubble.   There's no one to hold your hand when you feel bad or put an arm around you when you feel bad.   That's the ‘you're not alone’ that I need.   That's the ‘you're not alone’ that I crave.   I want someone to be there that doesn't even have to say a bunch of words >  just someone that can  hold my hand and say, “you're not alone because I'm here and I've got your back no matter what.”   Someone to just make me feel safe, and wanted,  and loved.    

 

Every now and then I get a picture in my mind of what I look like and I think, ‘who are you kidding?  no one will ever be attracted to you!’    Too old.  Too fat.  Too unattractive.   Let’s face it,  people are attracted to people based on looks first,  unless it’s someone that they work with and get to know over time and the personality wins.   I can’t imagine that anyone would look at me and be attracted to me.  And I don’t feel that I have a winning personality to fall back on either.  So there is literally nothing about me that would make anyone want to be with me.   I feel like a pathetic loser.   And then the gremlins start chanting, telling me how stupid I am for thinking I could ever be loved by anyone.