How Did I Get Here? Depression sneaks up on you. It's insidious. It grows over time like a slow cancer. You know you don't feel right, but at the same time you're not aware that something is wrong. It consumes your being until it becomes your normal state of existence. And when you finally realize that depression defines you, you wonder, how did I get here? For me, it was years of oppression . Desperate To Belong As I continue on this journey I'm becoming more aware of how and why I react to things the way that I do, as well as some behavior patterns that have not been helpful. I realize that I've always been so desperate to belong, to fit in somewhere, that I go along to get along and ultimately become that doormat that everyone walks all over. Anything not to rock the boat. Capitulate in order not to be rejected. Oh gosh …. there's that word again … rejection...
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Saturday April 25/2020 Today the goat attacked me while I was feeding the ducks. I held up a rake to try to keep distance between us (not threatenly) while I backed away from him. He circled around me faster than I could keep pace with, and then saw his opening and came in and rammed my left knee. And while I was reeling from that hit, he rammed my right shin. He kept coming at me while I frantically looked for something, anything, to ward him off. I'd dropped the rake when he hit me the first time. As he took another charge at me, I managed to grab his horns just as he was about to hit my stomach. But now what do I do? If I let go he's going to ram me. He pushed into my arms as I backed away. I thought if I could get close enough to the house, I could let go and make a run for it, but he was strong and I was losing the...
The Rogue Goat The emotional challenge hanging over me at the moment, is the decision about behavioural euthanasia for the rogue goat living on my property. I bought him a year and a half ago when he was 13wks old. He escaped his pen and disappeared on the second day. Despite exhaustive searches over a few weeks, he was nowhere to be found. I came to the sad conclusion that he had most likely been taken by a coyote. Three and a half months later he turned up in the back barn. Where had he been all that time? How had he survived? I do not know. He was in great shape. But he'd grown up without human contact and was now feral. No one could get near him. I spent that winter restricting him to the barn and taking food and water to him daily. Gradually he began to trust me enough to let me touch him. Last summer he had f...
Today's Revelation As mentioned before, I don't like conflict or confrontation. I realize now that this is tied to fears of rejection. Seems like I'm noticing 'rejection' as a theme in my life. Whenever I've stood up for myself it's resulted in some sort of rejection/loss. And thus, whenever conflict arises, I back down because standing up for myself means that I risk drama and rejection. I always feel the threat of losing something if/when I speak up. Always worried that the rug will be pulled out from under me. Growing up, the threat of losing something was used to manipulate me into compliance. As a very shy child any change in routine is terrifying, and that was used against me. 'If you don't do [ _____ ], we'll take away your ballet lessons'; 'if you don't do [ ___ ] we'll put you in a different school'. Those were...
Apathy Why does depression cause such apathy and how do we break free from it? I feel like I want to do a lot of things but can't find the 'get up and go' to actually do them. I have ideas for things that I want to do/create, but can't seem to get those ideas out of my head and into reality. I feel like I'm losing interest in everything ..... no motivation. Things just feel overwhelming, like I just can't face anything .... like I just can't be bothered. S.M.A.R.T Spoke with Sean today. I'm having having a rough day. Woke up feeling weepy and tired and cranky. Anxiety was high .... could feel/hear my heart thumping in my ears, and felt shaky. I can't find anything that makes me feel 'good'. And the imposed isolation of the pandemic is taking its toll. It's a blustery overcast day as well so that is also dampening my mood. We spoke about goals and I realize I don't have any. It's that apathy ...
Another Murder ..... The tv show about the Parrot murder also triggered the memory of the murder of the custodian at my childhood school. It was the last day of school, June 11, 1971. A student had found the body on her way to school that morning. I found this report on a website called Websleuths: ** Back in 1976, the then-closeted transvestite was found not guilty by reason of insanity -- terminology which has since been replaced by "not criminally responsible" -- for the murder of Carol Lynn Millar ...…. Shortly after being sent to Penetang, McCaul confessed to a murder predating Millar's by five years -- that of a 61-year-old stranger, Archibald McDougal, a caretaker at Toronto's Loretto Abbey private school for girls whom he stabbed to death and mutilated with a paring knife. Because he was already incarcerated at Penetang as a psychiatric inmate, the Crown saw no sense in putting McCaul on trial for the killing of McDougal.** and ..... *...
Bumper Sticker I saw a bumper sticker today that said: Things To Do Today Get Up Survive Go Back To Bed Yup .... that about sums it up Concerning Thoughts Suicidal thoughts are cropping into my concsious mind. Sitting here in my recliner chair with dog and cats piled on top of me, and watching our Prime Ministers daily press conference on the covid 19 pandemic, I'm feeling a profound emotional malaise. A sense of hopelessness is washing over me. And the thought crept into my mind ..... pills ...... how many would it take. I just want to sleep. To escape from this empty void masquerading as my life. Something is wrong with Tahree and I can't help her because I have no money. If the universe is kind, it's nothing more than an upset tummy. But .... I feel I'm failing her. I can't use the mortgage money because if I bounce the loan payment this month it will put me out of good standing and disqualify ...
March 14, 2020 I just slept for 4hrs in a row!!! Wow! That doesn't happen often. Probably exhaustion from the stress of the past couple of days. Coronavirus > Covid 19 The world is under attack from a new virus. Coronavirus, aka Covid 19. It started in Wuhan, China and has spread to over 100 countries, including Canada. Most cases can be traced to people who have been overseas. WHO recommends social distancing to minimize spread of the virus, and those people returning to Canada from out of country are now required to self isolate for fourteen days. WHO had declared this a pandemic. And Ontario, among other places, has declared a state of emergency. No gathering of groups of more than 50 people > and most recently I heard that has been ammended to 10 people. Restaurants, community centres, schools, bars etc. are all closed. Even horse boarding/training facilities have been instructed to close down > no one on farm except for staff...
Life Has Always Been In Someone Else's Hands..... I realize now that my life has always been in someone else's hands. And I feel ill equipped to manage and function in this world. Even a medium that I saw once said that the choices and decisions in my life were not mine. Everything was done to facilitate someone else's wishes. The animals were my defiance. My mother was not an animal person ..... she didn't grow up with animals/pets (although I do remember a story about a neighbourhood goat that used to chase them when they were children). My father had an affinity for animals having grown up in rural England with an assortment of animals in his life, but my mother controlled him as she did me, so if she didn't want animals around ...... But animals have a way of wheedling their way into people's lives and a few of them managed to win my mother over .... at least to the point of tolerance, and perhaps fondness for a few. Our first c...
I haven't posted in a few weeks due to the computer dying. This new [to me] laptop is painfully slow and I'm having trouble logging into various documents. So these posts cover a couple of weeks. Still Struggling With The Student Thing You know how I feel about conflict and I feel like this student situation has created a conflict, and it's causing me a great deal of distress. Because adding a student was not something I chose, but something that was imposed , it feels like my boundaries of privacy, confidentiality, trust and safety have been crossed. I feel like I can't have a private conversation with Sean anymore because now there's an audience. I'm have a really hard time reconciling the student thing, I thought I could shove my discomfort down, and told myself to just 'push through', 'be strong', and just 'suck it up'. Just get used to it. But I was not prepared for the emotional assault it triggered. I ...