Another Murder .....

The tv show about the Parrot murder also triggered the memory of the murder of the custodian at my childhood school. It was the last day of school, June 11, 1971. A student had found the body on her way to school that morning. I found this report on a website called Websleuths:

** Back in 1976, the then-closeted transvestite was found not guilty by reason of insanity -- terminology which has since been replaced by "not criminally responsible" -- for the murder of Carol Lynn Millar ...….

Shortly after being sent to Penetang, McCaul confessed to a murder predating Millar's by five years -- that of a 61-year-old stranger, Archibald McDougal, a caretaker at Toronto's Loretto Abbey private school for girls whom he stabbed to death and mutilated with a paring knife. Because he was already incarcerated at Penetang as a psychiatric inmate, the Crown saw no sense in putting McCaul on trial for the killing of McDougal.**

and .....

**Archibald McDougall, 61, was found stabbed to death on June 11th, 1971. A caretaker at Loretto Abbey private girls school in the north-Toronto enclave of Hoggs Hollow, McDougall was knifed and robbed of 75 cents on a walking path that runs through a wooded area between the school - which is on Mason Blvd. - and a pub on Yonge Street. The path is adjacent to McGlashan Rd.**

Losses > March 31/ 2020

I had to say good-bye to Tahree today. She seemed to be on the mend but then took a turn for the worse. Because of the covid 19 pandemic the vet clinic is on lockdown. No clients allowed in building. Emergency/urgent care patients only. When I called the clinic and told them Tahree's symptoms they gave me an apppointment for this afternoon. Panedemic protocol = upon arrival at clinic you call to let them know you are there; staff member comes out to parking lot to collect animal and take them into the clinic; vet assesses pet and then calls the owner in the parking lot to discuss findings. My gut feeling feared the worst and my anxiety level was at an all time high. I was shaking so violently that I could barely hold the phone.

I was able to get Tahree to walk to the car by using a towel as a sling under her belly to help her balance. With help to get up, she was able to stand, but unwilling to walk. We slowly made it almost all the way to the car before she ran out of steam and I had to carry her. Once at the clinic they had to lift/pull her out of the car and then use a towel sling to help her' walk. The vet felt that given her age and breed, and the quickness with which her sypmtoms presented and progressed, that there might be some major organ failure taking place. Tahree was 14yrs old and was a labrador mix. The vet felt that tests and supportive therapy might only buy her a few days, so we decided it was kindest to euthanize her rather than let her suffer any longer. There is a fine line between extending life, and delaying death. I didn't want Tahree's last memory to be being pulled out of the car and taken away from me; or to feel that I'd just dropped her off and abandoned her (like her previous owners did). I didn't want her to die with strangers. The vet was very kind and brought Tahree out to the car to euthanize her so that I could be with her to the end. They put an IV with a long catheter in a hind leg so that we could respect and maintain the 6ft social distance required by the covid 19 pandemic.

I'm usually much more emotionally in control at these times but this time I was a total wreck. It was close to half an hour before I was able to see well enough to drive home; my vision having been clouded from tears.

Tahree came to me at 6yrs of age having been surrendered to rescue by her family. She was dropped off at leg one of the transport from Kentucky and by the time she arrived in Windsor she had what can only be described as an emotional breakdown. The humane society had to be called to get her out of the car and they deemed her unable to travel any further. She was taken to their shelter where she unravelled behaviourally. She trusted no one. They told me that had she not had a consignee (me), they would have euthanized her. She was in Windsor and I made arrangements with the shelter to have a vet sedate her for travel, and a friend and I met volunteers in Chatham to collect her. It took a few weeks to gain her trust. She was a broken dog. But once she decided I was okay, she revealed her true self. An amazing, loving, and loyal dog. And protective. Tahree was a car guarder which turned people off adopting her, but it suited me just fine. I started bringing her with me whenever I was on the road. Tahree wasn't an official service dog and didn't have public access privileges, but she acted as my emotional support dog, allowing me to go places and do things I otherwise would have been unable to do. And she became an amazing farm dog who enjoyed the freedom granted her to patrol her property and watch over livestock. She was a huge part of my life.

Tahree's loss comes on the heels of Shorty's passing. Shorty died yesterday. He passed peacefully at home. Shorty was a cat. And just one month ago Treasure passed away at home. Treasure was “at least” 16yrs of age. She was a rescue dog whose age was guessed to be around one year when I found her.

But of course, losses are not always about life and death. At this time we as a society have also lost our freedom, our sense of safety, our jobs, and more. It's a time of profound loss and I feel like I'm slipping into a deeper depression. The personal losses and stress, in conjunction with the global pandemic, have my cup spilling over. When I think about what it would be like if my dad were still here, and not being able to see hime and face the possibility of having him die without seeing him, I'm overwhelmed with sadness for the people who are in this exact positio during this pandemic. People are dying alone without their loved ones. Families are losing relatives without being able to say good bye. I'm finding all of this to be emotionally crippling.

April 2, 2020

Talked with Sean today. Been a rough week. I've been feeling really alone. Tahree's passing reminded me of Dads passing and how alone I felt. No one to hold a hand or to offer a hug of comfort. Just me .... alone with grief. I felt that way when my sister died too. Even though my parents were there, I felt alone. And like I didn't have the right to feel grief. I don't remember anyone offering comfort although I'm sure my Aunt Mary must have ..... she was visiting us in Canada at the time of my sisters death, and it was she who answered the phone that morning and received the news from my father. I remember when the phone rang, I knew it was going to be bad news. Both of my parents emotionally distant so I was alone with my grief over the loss of my sister. As I've mentioned before, I've always felt like I don't fit in anywhere. Always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Never “part” of anything. Never loved.

I feel like I've been denied the connection of family due to my mothers rifts with her siblings. Our families were never 'close'. Not in the way that family/cousins should be. And right now with all this covid 19 social distancing, I'm feeling the loss of something I've never had. Family. I'm feeling very isolated and very alone.

Sean mentioned that Jocelyn (student) was also available to chat if I was willing. I told him it was okay to give her my contact number.

Never Put Off Until Tomorrow, What You Can Do Today

A saying I heard a lot growing up, and one that rings in my memory as I do just that. 'Procrastination is the thief of time'. That was another saying I grew up with.

But this depression > that's exactly what it is ..... a thief of time. Everyday I look at things that need to be done and have no energy, and think I'll get to it tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and same thing; and I lose days, weeks, months, years.

It's now 5:41pm. Another lost day.