March 14, 2020 

I just slept for 4hrs in a row!!! Wow! That doesn't happen often. Probably exhaustion from the stress of the past couple of days.

Coronavirus > Covid 19

The world is under attack from a new virus. Coronavirus, aka Covid 19. It started in Wuhan, China and has spread to over 100 countries, including Canada. Most cases can be traced to people who have been overseas. WHO recommends social distancing to minimize spread of the virus, and those people returning to Canada from out of country are now required to self isolate for fourteen days. WHO had declared this a pandemic. And Ontario, among other places, has declared a state of emergency. No gathering of groups of more than 50 people > and most recently I heard that has been ammended to 10 people. Restaurants, community centres, schools, bars etc. are all closed. Even horse boarding/training facilities have been instructed to close down > no one on farm except for staff. Zoo's are closed. Museums are closed. The Pet Expo has been cancelled, as has the Toronto Sportsmans Show. And today it was announced that the Invictus Games have also been cancelled. Concerts have been cancelled and theatres are closed. TV shows with live audiences have shutdown production and are airing reruns. Our Prime Ministers wife tested positive for the virus and is under home quarantine and PM Trudeau is self isolating at his home. Anyone who suspects they may have been in contact with someone who may have been exposed to Covid 19 is required to self isolate for fourteen days. And if you have Covid 19 symptoms you are NOT to go to emergency, but rather, call ahead and let them know and then follow instructions as to what to do. People are being triaged in the parking lots. Most veterinary clinics have closed to all but emergency cases and are also having people stay in their cars and are triaging animals in the parking lot. No owners allowed in clinic > they will assess pet in parking lot and take it into the clinic and phone owner in parking lot to discuss their case .

People are panicking and stock piling/hoarding groceries and supplies. And for some strange reason toilet paper is in high demand. People are hoarding toilet paper and fist fights have broken out over it. Someone actually pulled a gun in a Toronto grocercy store. This is nuts!! I don't like greed. I don't like greedy dogs and I don't like greedy people. When you take more than your fare share, you deprive another of their fare share. Some people live paycheque to paycheque (I'm one of those people) and need to buy necessities weekly, and thanks to the hoarders there are limited to no supplies available. No toilet paper anywhere. No paper towels. I went to 2 Walmarts in Burlington and both stores entire water aisles were completely empty. Which puzzled me. Why water? It's a city. There's water in the taps. Country people like me, ya we 'need' to buy water, but city folks have an unlimited supply in their taps. Also in the Walmarts ..... meat counter empty, canned food aisle empty, water aisle empty, no paper goods of any kind, cereal aisle empty, bread shelves empty, and no milk. Also no hand sanitizer to be found anywhere and yet lots of soap. WHO says best defense is wash your hands ..... you'd think people would be hoarding soap.

I've lost most of my March income because of this pandemic. Boarding dogs cancelled because owners are understandably cancelling their trips and staying home. The dog school where I teach has closed until the end of the month and will then reassess situation and decide if it's sfe to open again. Ontario's state of emergency recommends that all places where people gather i groups, be closed down. New updates everyday. Only four airports in all of Canada are accepting international flights and people are being screened for covid symptoms. Our borders are closed to non residents. And most recently the US/Canada border has been closed to all non- essential travelers (such as delivery trucks etc) Today (March 19) 170 employees of a TTC station have been sent home for fourteen days self isolation, and the station shutdow due to a mechanic testing positive for covid. And due to a civilian member of the Toronto Police Force testing positive for covid 19, all police stations have been closed to the public.

I have a dog going home tomorrow and we have planned his drop off for 'no contact'. His owners are returning from Costa Rica and will be in isolation. I'll text them when I arrive and they will open the door to their house, and I will release the dog to run to them from the sidewalk.

Listening to the news is really freaking me out. Right now places are closed for 2wks and some say indefinitely. Some news sources are saying this could go on for weeks or even months. My income depends on people traveling and on group classes. I'm worried about money. With no clients how will I survive? And feed the animals? The news said that banks will offer a 6mth deferral on small business loans/mortgage payments. I asked about this at the bank today and she said not for everyone. It will be on a case by case basis, and gave me an 888 hotline number to call. So far it's been busy all day. Premier Ford said something about freezing all drivers licence renewals and plate renewals in order to reduce the financial burden on people.

The hospital has closed the mental health out patient programs indefinitely. This is the second week with no therapy (I missed last week due to the car breaking down), and I'm feeling really insecure. Therapy has been my lifeline. I'm trying to remember and implement the coping skills the trauma groupl has been teaching us as I feel panic lurking just beneath the surface. I feel like crying just from fear of the uncertaintyof the upcoming weeks/months. I was feeling okay when I thought it was just a province wide two week shutdown. But now that they are talking possible months I'm really freaked out. I can't survive months without income. Life feels even more out of control than normal. I need to find something I can control in my life just to keep me sane.

Sean is keeping therapy going via telephone sessions. We had a chat today and set up a session for next week as well.

March 20, 2020

BREAKING NEWS!!! I finally found toilet paper!! LOL

Trauma Thoughts

I think what some people without significant trauma don't understand, is that you don't get rid of trauma. It's part of the fabric of who you are. But like a scar from a physical wound, it can fade over time. It's still there but as it heals, it fades in intensity. At least I think that is what we are trying to accomplish in the trauma group. In one of my sessions with Sean he drew two circles. A large one and a small one. In the large circle he wrote 'trauma'. And in the small circle he wrote 'you' (me). That's where the balance is now. He said our goal is to flip those circles. Me in the large circle and trauma in the small circle.

Fighting Panic

If other people struggling with mental health feel as I do, I fear we'll see a spike in suicides over the next few months. The news is suggesting that social distancing and all businesses being closed will continue for several months. One source even said we are looking at a year before life can return to normal. One thing that I've deduced from attending the trauma group, is that many of us are not able to work full time. And while I can't speak for others, panic is chasing me.

Panic is washing over me in waves. I'm okay one minute and consumed with a sense of panic the next. And in the wave of panic I feel scared and don't know how I'll survive. My income depends on people traveling. And teaching groups of people. Government mandates no groups of people right now and no traveling outside of Canada. And now there's even talk about banning travel between provinces.

I have visions of my animals starving to death. How will I buy dog and cat food? I need 16kg of dog food per day! Even the cheapest dog food costs $140 per week (not including tax). How will I pay for Freedoms stabling? If I sell him, which I do not want to do, I risk him ending up at slaughter. I can't do that to him. I rescued him from the feed lot; I can't risk him ending up back in that place. If I rehome any of them (Freedom, Stetson, or Soleil) or the two donkey's, I risk their lives. If I can get my neighbour to fix his fence which surrounds my lower field, I could bring Stetson and Freedom home and turn the donkey's and ponies out on pasture for the upcoming spring/summer/fall months. That would save me the cost of buying hay. Of course, that depends on whether or not the mandatory business closures lift enough to allow us to move the horses. Right now the equestrian association has sent out a letter telling stable owners to close down business ….. no lessons, no coaching, no training ….. only staff to be allowed on farms until further notice.

I'm going to look into the mortgage deferrals that have been mentioned, and also check out my township to see if there is a regional emergency assistance program. But my fear and panic are telling me the answer will be “not for you”.

The waves of panic are paralyzing. Right now the only way I can dull/distract myself from the panic is to watch TV. It stops me from thinking. Keeps my mind focused on something else. I tried reading but can't seem to focus. My mind keeps wandering . Driving, chores, shopping for necessities …. my mind gets to thinking and worrying and the panic sets in.

Crying In Walmart

Yesterday I found myself crying in Walmart. A client who didn't know that my dad had passed away, texted me and asked how he was holding up in this pandemic. Funny how you think you're doing okay, and then suddenly realize, maybe not so much.

I think I was already feeling sad because I had seen a report earlier in the day that said a hospital in our area was restricting visitors; not allowing visitors to the hospital. And it occurred to me that I'm glad my dad is not here to experience this pandemic. I can't imagine how awful it would be to be hospitalized and prevented from seeing your family. Especially patients like my dad near the end when length of life was unknown. I can't imagine not being able to see my dad and have him die without having seen him for any length of time. I can't imagine how devastated people must be right now and how lonely patients must be without their families to comfort them.

I have a client who is due to have her baby soon and she was told that her husband might not be allowed into the hospital to be with her when the time comes. She is worried about having to give birth alone without her husband by her side. These are very worrisome times :-(