Life Has Always Been In Someone Else's Hands.....

I realize now that my life has always been in someone else's hands. And I feel ill equipped to manage and function in this world. Even a medium that I saw once said that the choices and decisions in my life were not mine. Everything was done to facilitate someone else's wishes.  

 

The animals were my defiance. My mother was not an animal person ..... she didn't grow up with animals/pets (although I do remember a story about a neighbourhood goat that used to chase them when they were children). My father had an affinity for animals having grown up in rural England with an assortment of animals in his life, but my mother controlled him as she did me, so if she didn't want animals around ......

But animals have a way of wheedling their way into people's lives and a few of them managed to win my mother over .... at least to the point of tolerance, and perhaps fondness for a few. Our first cat was brought home by my sister. My mother was dead set against it but my sister wore her down and brougt home an adorable orange tabby cat. My mother did have a sense of humour and she named the cat Molson (my dad worked for Molsons Brewery at the time) and she said to us, “he's Molson Golden but if he doesn't behave he'll be Molson Export”. We had Molson for 16yrs. I think I mentioned before how Mickey-Finn came to be but just in case I didn't , this is the short version. His mother lived next door and his dad was the lab across the road. Goldie brought her pups to our house and I fell in love with one of them and begged my mom to let me have him, promising to take him to obedience school if she did. I eventually wore her down and Mickey was mine . She named him. I guess that was control of some kind. I did take him to obedience school and he was the start of my life and career with dogs. Not sure my mom would have let me have him if she'd known how things would turn out. Mickey became a very popular animal actor appearing in tv shows and commercials, print ads, movies, and stage shows. My mom liked that part. I guess you could say he became the star she had hoped I'd become. I had Mickey for 15yrs. He was only the second animal I'd had to euthanize. Molson was the first. I worked part time at the vet clinic and part time at the emergency vet clinic at the time. Mickey died as a result of a hemangiosarcoma in his heart. It was a hard decision to euthanize him because the drugs they gave him to keep him going for me, made him look not too bad. The prednisone perked him up temporarily. But when he crashed it was obvious that there was no 'getting better' from this. And to end his suffering I elected to euthanize him. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and my mother second guessed my decision. She was a firm believer that while there is life there is hope and she questioned whether I'd made the decision to let him go too soon. It didn't help my sorrow at losing the dog I loved so much.

Of course, allowing me my dogs and cats gave her a bargaining chip ..... permission to have them was held over me. Mickey-Finn's fame gave my mom bragging rights and my involvement in the tv, film, and advertising industry justified my having them.    But when we moved up to Georgian Bay she made my dad build a separate kennel building for them as far away from the house as our property would allow.   Only Mickey and one other dog was allowed in the house.   And two of the cats came in the house  (they were indoor / outdoor cats and mostly lived in the dog kennel) 

Speaking Up ... or not …

Fear > If I say something about something, I fear the other person will get mad, or be hurt, and I will be risking rejection.

Strange to realize that rejection ... or fear of it .... plays a feature role in my life

Emotional Triggers

The other day I was in a Staples store to make photo copies of some of the charts from group (so I'd have extra's to work with). I found myself overwhelmed and fighting back tears because I didn't know how to work the copier and there were no staff around to ask for help. I stood there feeling helpless and stupid. Yes I could see the simple directions of punch in how many copies you want and then press go, but what I didn't know and couldn't see any instructions for, was where on this huge surface was I to place my papers. It paralyzed me. I stood there looking at the machine, feeling like a total idiot. Mild panic overcame me as I struggled not to cry in public. And then of course the negative self talk kicked it ...... 'what is wrong with you', 'get yourself together', 'why are you being so stupid'. Eventually another customer, seeing me looking confused, came over and showed me where to place my documents, and I did manage to get my copies.

Sean said this kind of thing can be experience can be provoked by an emotional memory. That parallel lives thing. Something brings us back to an emotion of the past without any conscious cognitive memory. The goal is to try to get ourselves back in the window (the window of tolerance where we are 'level') before we 'react' but it can be challenging because we don't know where the emotion came from and it doesn't make sense to us.

Disturbing Dream

The other night I had a very disturbing dream about a girl trying to escape from a building without getting caught. It was strange because I was watching but also had a sense that I was the person trying to escape ..... it felt like I was experiencing what I was seeing and feeling the fear and panic. She keeps running and trying to open different doors and finally she escapes and suddenly I'm no longer her, now I'm me and I'm in a school and now I'm opening doors and checking rooms looking for this girl. Then someone calls out that she's been found and is being brought to the school yard. A crowd is watching at a fence .... waiting ..... and then the girl appears, looking worn out and exhausted as she walks across the yard and sits down on an apple box on the far side of the playground. And people are talking ... curious ... questioning ... “there she is” ..... And then suddenly I'm the person who knows her and I say to the people around me, “this girl has been beaten, tortured, raped, and sodomized; she doesn't need your criticism, she needs to be embraced; she needs to be held and know it's over .... she's safe now.” And then I run across the playground and hug this young girl and feel all her pain. And then I woke up and wrote the dream down before it faded. I woke up feeling totally exhausted and emotionally drained and wondering what on earth would trigger such a disturbing dream. Once awake and pondering what would create such a drama in my head, it triggered feelings of unworthiness about my own trauma. Feelings that said other people have been through much more horrific experiences and my trauma is insignificant ..... I don't have the right to feel bad about my life.

Can't Catch A Break

I can't remember if I wrote about the van dying. Wires chewed and electricals shorted out. Waaaay to expensive to fix, so I bought a small car as it was all I could afford. I think it's been about a month. Well this past Wednesday I was on my way to work , pulled into a gas station and the car sputtered and stopped moving. Engine running. But car would not move. Had it towed to mechanic and he looked it over and came to conclusion that the transmission had seized and the car needs a new transmission. Not a job he can do though, so I had to call around to find a garage that could do it for a reasonable price. Don't want to spend too much on a car that cost $2100. Found a place and had it towed. They'll get to it Monday. Of course in the midst of this I'm having a total meltdown. On Wednesday night I had to call the dog school and have them cancel all my classes that night and also Thursday morning as I had no transportation. Thursday was spent calling mechanic shops and finding somewhere to get the car fixed. Also I had a dog that was supposed to go home on Thursday and no way to get him there; and another little dog supposed to be picked up in Toronto that night & no way to get her either. Thank God for an awesome friend in the city. She picked up my boarder dog and kept her overnight while I tried to figure out what to do. Fortunately I still have my old van and the plates are still on it. It runs well .... just no electrics work and no window wipers; so as long as it's not raining and it's daytime .... I can drive it . I contacted the insurance broker and he was able to put the insurance back on it effective immediately so that I'm not stranded while I wait for the car to be fixed. I missed my therapy session and group this week because of this car business ..... again 'cos there was no way to get there. Couldn't use the van until today (Friday). Yesterday was emotionally draining and left me with a raging headache. Headache again this morning. I'm assuming stress from the events of Wednesday night and yesterday ..... not to mention the financial worry of how am I going to afford this. Everytime I seem like I might be breaking even, something goes wrong. I just can't seem to catch a break. Yesterdays “low” point had me questioning how much longer I can go on .... how much more can I take

Looking On The Bright Side

In the midst of the car saga I tried to look at the bright side ..... let's find some positive in this negative. I was very fortunate that the car broke down in a safe place and not on the highway. I was fortunate to have CAA memership to cover the tows. I was fortunate to find a garage with a reasonable quote. I was fortunate to have a friend pick up my client dog for me and keep her overnight. I was fortunate to still have my old van. And fortunate that the insurance could be put back on right away. I'm fortunate not to be stranded. And I'm extremely fortunate that someone offered me financial assistance, as well as a client paying early for their dogs boarding in order to help me out. So my car will be fixed and I will have the money to pay for it, and I'll survive. It was a challenge but I got through it. I managed to cope. And that's a good thing.