Saturday April 25/2020
Today the goat attacked me while I was feeding the ducks. I held up a rake to try to keep distance between us (not threatenly) while I backed away from him. He circled around me faster than I could keep pace with, and then saw his opening and came in and rammed my left knee. And while I was reeling from that hit, he rammed my right shin. He kept coming at me while I frantically looked for something, anything, to ward him off. I'd dropped the rake when he hit me the first time. As he took another charge at me, I managed to grab his horns just as he was about to hit my stomach. But now what do I do? If I let go he's going to ram me. He pushed into my arms as I backed away. I thought if I could get close enough to the house, I could let go and make a run for it, but he was strong and I was losing the battle. Then I saw a piece of fencing … an xpen panel, and I grabbed it with one hand while still hanging onto one horn with the other. Then I let go and attempted to use the fence as a shield. He kept circling and charging at me as I backed away. Then he knocked me to the ground and rammed me. All I could think was , 'I have to get up before he kills me!'. If those horns hit me in the stomach or head …….
I struggled to my feet and picked up the fence panel and continued to back up towards the house while the goat continued to advance on me. When I reached the car and got behind the wheelbarrow which was in the driveway, he finally broke off his attack and ran triumphantly back to the hay barn. I was left out of breath and gasping for air, my heart pounding against the wall of my chest and thundering in my ears; every breath a painful reminder of what just transpired, and my entire body shaking, and staggering as I walked. He terrified me.
This relentless attack determined the goats fate. He's dangerous. He has to go before he seriously injures me or puts me in the hospital. Or attacks someone else who comes on the property. We can't get and IV line into him to euthanize him with drugs, so the only humane option is a single gunshot to dispatch him instantly and without fear or suffering. My neighbours brother is a hunter and will come tomorrow to take care of it. I think I will plan not to be home to witness it.
Todays attack has left me with a large goose egg on the bone just below my left knee. My bad knee. The hit was where the pins are. A smaller swelling on my right shin. My right wrist and elbow are injured and my arms are stiffening up. My legs are sore. My torso is sore. My neck is sore. And I have a headache. I sort of feel like I hit my head even though I know I didn't. And I was coughing for a couple of hours in the aftermath of having been so winded.
Later Same Day
My body feels like I've been beaten up. I messaged my veterinarian to let her know what happened and she re-affirmed the need to euthanize the goat. But I'm also feeling an overwhelming sadness. I'm not sure if it's from a sense of failure, or just the tragedy of it all. The decision to euthanize. The method necessary. For me, this is traumatizing. Being attacked was traumatizing. What else can go wrong in my life? I feel like I'm jinxing myself by asking! More than one person has said to me over the years, "if it wasn't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all". I'm not sure how to identify this sadness or these tears. Maybe it's just a response to trauma?
Next Day
I just slept for 5hrs in a row. Something rare enough to warrant mention. It's 10am and my body is sore. I'm surprised at how sore my core is. Must be from the struggle to hold the goat off by holding his horns while he fought me.
I'm feeling some trepidation about the 'deed' to be done today. I'm not sure what time the guys are planning to come by. Part of me wants to call it off but I know that would be a mistake. The goat is dangerous. It may not be his fault, but it is what it is.
I'm trying to process and understand the sadness I'm feeling about all of this. Part of it is to do with loss. Loss of life is always a drain on the emotions. And the decision to end a life is always riddled with feelings of self doubt and guilt and failure. Behavioural euthanasia is a very difficult thing.
But I think the sadness I'm feeling goes deeper than just the current event. This is going to sound crazy but I think it is somehow related to those feelings of rejection and abandonment that I carry with me. Years ago when a dog dear to my heart bit me as I broke up a dog fight, I was not only injured physically, I was also 'heart hurt'. My feelings were hurt. The relationship was damaged. This dog that I loved so much turned on me. Of course, the reality of the situation was that I put myself in a precarious situation and got bitten by accident amidst the flurry of snapping teeth. The dog didn't intend to bite me. But still, the worst pain I felt wasn't the bite to my face or the stitches to repair the damage. The worst pain was to my psyche. I was so emotionally devastated. And while I didn't recognize it at the time, I realize now that that hurt was tied into my deep seated feelings of rejection and unworthiness. And I think the sadness I'm feeling today around this whole goat saga, is also related to rejection. Why did this goat run away as a kid? Why didn't he accept my friendship and kindness? Why does he hate me so much that he wants to hurt me? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't I tame him sufficiently? Why doesn't he love me?
When I look at photo's of him and see his gorgeous little 'innocent' face, I feel horribly guilty for the decision he's forced me to make.
Addiction To Animals
All this has got me to thinking if perhaps my addiction to animals is related to those feelings of unworthiness. Animals like us no matter who or what we are. Animals love us unconditionally in a world filled with conditions. Animals like us no matter how unlikeable we are. No matter how un-loveable we feel. So maybe my addiction to animals is because they provide the love I've never felt from any other source in my life. And when a creature who loves even the un-loveable doesn't love me (as in the goat), the feelings of rejection and unworthiness rise to the surface.
I feel physically and emotionally drained today.
Update (Monday)
The guys came to take care of the goat yesterday. Then texted me to let me know he was gone and it was safe to go outside. But they didn't shoot him. A friend of theirs has a small goat herd and offered to integrate the goat into his herd. Give him a second chance. I should be happy but I'm not. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know if he will integrate to a herd > he's always been a loner and never bonded with any of the animals here. I also fear for his welfare. I worry that he displays his destructive and aggressive tendencies, that in an attempt to 'break' him, he might be treated unfairly. If he is to live, he deserves to be treated well and have a good life. I also worry that he might hurt someone else. That being said they knew what he is like and knew that he had attacked me, and it was not my request to re-home him.
I must admit that today the atmosphere on the farm was much more peaceful now that the goat is gone. Even the other animals seemed more relaxed. Being able to walk outside without fear was nice. I was able to reassemble the ducks pen without fear of it being demolished again. And everyone just seemed happy and content. I was even able to sit outside for ten minutes of quiet nothing …. just sit, close my eyes, and listen to the birds.
Today the goat attacked me while I was feeding the ducks. I held up a rake to try to keep distance between us (not threatenly) while I backed away from him. He circled around me faster than I could keep pace with, and then saw his opening and came in and rammed my left knee. And while I was reeling from that hit, he rammed my right shin. He kept coming at me while I frantically looked for something, anything, to ward him off. I'd dropped the rake when he hit me the first time. As he took another charge at me, I managed to grab his horns just as he was about to hit my stomach. But now what do I do? If I let go he's going to ram me. He pushed into my arms as I backed away. I thought if I could get close enough to the house, I could let go and make a run for it, but he was strong and I was losing the battle. Then I saw a piece of fencing … an xpen panel, and I grabbed it with one hand while still hanging onto one horn with the other. Then I let go and attempted to use the fence as a shield. He kept circling and charging at me as I backed away. Then he knocked me to the ground and rammed me. All I could think was , 'I have to get up before he kills me!'. If those horns hit me in the stomach or head …….
I struggled to my feet and picked up the fence panel and continued to back up towards the house while the goat continued to advance on me. When I reached the car and got behind the wheelbarrow which was in the driveway, he finally broke off his attack and ran triumphantly back to the hay barn. I was left out of breath and gasping for air, my heart pounding against the wall of my chest and thundering in my ears; every breath a painful reminder of what just transpired, and my entire body shaking, and staggering as I walked. He terrified me.
This relentless attack determined the goats fate. He's dangerous. He has to go before he seriously injures me or puts me in the hospital. Or attacks someone else who comes on the property. We can't get and IV line into him to euthanize him with drugs, so the only humane option is a single gunshot to dispatch him instantly and without fear or suffering. My neighbours brother is a hunter and will come tomorrow to take care of it. I think I will plan not to be home to witness it.
Todays attack has left me with a large goose egg on the bone just below my left knee. My bad knee. The hit was where the pins are. A smaller swelling on my right shin. My right wrist and elbow are injured and my arms are stiffening up. My legs are sore. My torso is sore. My neck is sore. And I have a headache. I sort of feel like I hit my head even though I know I didn't. And I was coughing for a couple of hours in the aftermath of having been so winded.
Later Same Day
My body feels like I've been beaten up. I messaged my veterinarian to let her know what happened and she re-affirmed the need to euthanize the goat. But I'm also feeling an overwhelming sadness. I'm not sure if it's from a sense of failure, or just the tragedy of it all. The decision to euthanize. The method necessary. For me, this is traumatizing. Being attacked was traumatizing. What else can go wrong in my life? I feel like I'm jinxing myself by asking! More than one person has said to me over the years, "if it wasn't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all". I'm not sure how to identify this sadness or these tears. Maybe it's just a response to trauma?
Next Day
I just slept for 5hrs in a row. Something rare enough to warrant mention. It's 10am and my body is sore. I'm surprised at how sore my core is. Must be from the struggle to hold the goat off by holding his horns while he fought me.
I'm feeling some trepidation about the 'deed' to be done today. I'm not sure what time the guys are planning to come by. Part of me wants to call it off but I know that would be a mistake. The goat is dangerous. It may not be his fault, but it is what it is.
I'm trying to process and understand the sadness I'm feeling about all of this. Part of it is to do with loss. Loss of life is always a drain on the emotions. And the decision to end a life is always riddled with feelings of self doubt and guilt and failure. Behavioural euthanasia is a very difficult thing.
But I think the sadness I'm feeling goes deeper than just the current event. This is going to sound crazy but I think it is somehow related to those feelings of rejection and abandonment that I carry with me. Years ago when a dog dear to my heart bit me as I broke up a dog fight, I was not only injured physically, I was also 'heart hurt'. My feelings were hurt. The relationship was damaged. This dog that I loved so much turned on me. Of course, the reality of the situation was that I put myself in a precarious situation and got bitten by accident amidst the flurry of snapping teeth. The dog didn't intend to bite me. But still, the worst pain I felt wasn't the bite to my face or the stitches to repair the damage. The worst pain was to my psyche. I was so emotionally devastated. And while I didn't recognize it at the time, I realize now that that hurt was tied into my deep seated feelings of rejection and unworthiness. And I think the sadness I'm feeling today around this whole goat saga, is also related to rejection. Why did this goat run away as a kid? Why didn't he accept my friendship and kindness? Why does he hate me so much that he wants to hurt me? What did I do wrong? Why couldn't I tame him sufficiently? Why doesn't he love me?
When I look at photo's of him and see his gorgeous little 'innocent' face, I feel horribly guilty for the decision he's forced me to make.
Addiction To Animals
All this has got me to thinking if perhaps my addiction to animals is related to those feelings of unworthiness. Animals like us no matter who or what we are. Animals love us unconditionally in a world filled with conditions. Animals like us no matter how unlikeable we are. No matter how un-loveable we feel. So maybe my addiction to animals is because they provide the love I've never felt from any other source in my life. And when a creature who loves even the un-loveable doesn't love me (as in the goat), the feelings of rejection and unworthiness rise to the surface.
I feel physically and emotionally drained today.
Update (Monday)
The guys came to take care of the goat yesterday. Then texted me to let me know he was gone and it was safe to go outside. But they didn't shoot him. A friend of theirs has a small goat herd and offered to integrate the goat into his herd. Give him a second chance. I should be happy but I'm not. I'm still overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know if he will integrate to a herd > he's always been a loner and never bonded with any of the animals here. I also fear for his welfare. I worry that he displays his destructive and aggressive tendencies, that in an attempt to 'break' him, he might be treated unfairly. If he is to live, he deserves to be treated well and have a good life. I also worry that he might hurt someone else. That being said they knew what he is like and knew that he had attacked me, and it was not my request to re-home him.
I must admit that today the atmosphere on the farm was much more peaceful now that the goat is gone. Even the other animals seemed more relaxed. Being able to walk outside without fear was nice. I was able to reassemble the ducks pen without fear of it being demolished again. And everyone just seemed happy and content. I was even able to sit outside for ten minutes of quiet nothing …. just sit, close my eyes, and listen to the birds.
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