How Did I Get Here?

Depression sneaks up on you.  It's insidious.  It grows over time like a slow cancer.  You know you don't feel right, but at the same time you're not aware that something is wrong.  It consumes your being until it becomes your normal state of existence.   And when you finally realize that depression defines you,  you wonder,  how did I get here?  
For me, it was years of oppression .

Desperate To Belong

As I continue on this journey I'm becoming more aware of how and why I react to things the way that I do,  as well as some behavior patterns that have not been helpful.   I realize that I've always been so desperate to belong, to fit in somewhere, that I go along to get along and ultimately become that doormat that everyone walks all over.    Anything not to rock the boat.   Capitulate in order not to be rejected.   Oh gosh …. there's that word again … rejection.   I realize now that all my life I've been desperate to just 'belong' somewhere,  and it's still true today.   I still feel that I don't belong anywhere. 

I think the current covid 19 social isolation is intensifying my sense of alone-ness (yes I know that's not a real word)

 

Apathy (aka anhedonia)

I was talking with Sean yesterday about apathy and how does it differ from acceptance. The conversation led me to do a little bit of reading/research on the topic of apathy. I know from my own experience that it's a kind of paradox because the definition of apathy is 'without feeling', but when you are experiencing apathy it IS a feeling. It's the feeling of not feeling. It's like depression in that you know something is wrong/missing, but you lack the drive to pursue 'it' .
 

Psychological research tells us that we need to experience feelings in order to take meaningful action. But without any compelling emotion to inspire behaviour, a person isn't sufficiently motivated to do much of anything. Let me introduce you to Apathy!
 

Apathy is a sense of indifference, detachment, and lack of passion. It drains you of so much energy that you feel lethargic and almost paralyzed to respond to things. Your get up and go has got up and gone. Apathy, and I can attest to this from my own life, compromises the ability to confront life's challenges.
 

I found this list of contributors to apathy and every single one applies to me:

1. negative self thoughts
2. fear to act on something due to fear of failing or being rejected
3. fear that failure would validate feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, worthlessness
4. an experience of failure or rejection in the past from which I have not rebounded
5. bored and worn down by daily chores thereby becoming resigned to a life of tedium
6. grief or disappointment

Apathy causes one to lose interest in activities that were previously enjoyable . To lose motivation and lack interest in your work/profession. To waste time mindlessly surfing the internet or watching endless hours of television. It steals your ability to feel passion to pursue 'anything' because nothing seems worth the effort. I feel all of this . I've been moving out of apathy but it still haunts me.

In my own life I think apathy is a by-product of a childhood that taught me that no matter how hard I tried to please parents, teachers, dance instructors, I could never measure up. And adult life has presented a series of events and disappointments that have left me feeling that I can't win for losing. Success and happiness are out of believable reach.

So that all brings me to the question of what is the difference between apathy and acceptance? If acceptance is resigning oneself to 'it is what it is' .... how does that differ from apathy? I found a quote by Dr. Joan Marques (founder of ASPEX) that says: “There's a difference between apathy and acceptance. Apathy lets you endure life. Acceptance helps you enjoy it.”

Another definition described apathy as the absence or suppression of emotion, feeling, concern, or passion. A generalized indifference to things. Apathy paralyzes our will to action while acceptance frees us to pursue a will to action. Acceptance removes emotional barriers that prevent us moving forward.

Worry vs Concern

This is another muddied water for me.   I think people generally use the two words interchangeably but I think there is a fine line between the two and this curiosity led me to do some googling to see what I could learn about worry and concern. This is what I've learned ……
 

Worry is a feeling of uneasiness and anxiety about something, and playing the scene over and over in ones mind. Worry is reliving a perceived problem or event that often has not yet taken place. It is rooted in the postulation and fear of something that may happen in the future.
 

Concern differs in that it motivates a call to action to solve or minimize a problem, rather than continue to feel anxious by replaying a 'possible' problem in your mind.   It is an awareness of a problem.   Solution driven, and triggers one into problem solving mode. Concern is rooted in reality and based on facts/information pertaining to the event causing the concern.
 

Concern is solution oriented while worry is problem oriented.
 

While concern fuels the call to action, worry generates thoughts that are depressing and which drain a persons energy reserve. Concern is driven by empathy for others while worry is mostly driven by fear and anxiety.

With worry you don't feel that you have control over the outcome of a situation, whereas concern is a form of worry in which you feel you can affect the outcome of a situation.