I haven't posted in a few weeks due to the computer dying.   This new [to me] laptop is painfully slow and I'm having trouble logging into various documents.   So these posts cover a couple of weeks.

Still Struggling With The Student Thing

You know how I feel about conflict and I feel like this student situation has created a conflict, and it's causing me a great deal of distress. Because adding a student was not something I chose, but something that was imposed , it feels like my boundaries of privacy, confidentiality, trust and safety have been crossed. I feel like I can't have a private conversation with Sean anymore because now there's an audience.

I'm have a really hard time reconciling the student thing, I thought I could shove my discomfort down, and told myself to just 'push through', 'be strong', and just 'suck it up'. Just get used to it. But I was not prepared for the emotional assault it triggered. I thought I was coping but the week before last did me in and last week I totally unraveled. And I've been a train wreck the whole week.

I'm not really sure what I expected but when Sean said “sit in”.   I think I thought that meant observe, not join in. But as it is, I feel like I'm under a microscope being 'studied' and watched/judged by two people. It's two against one.

I think privacy is a HUGE issue for me because I've had so little of it throughout my life. And before I started going to see Sean, I'd never had anyone to confide in. And what made the sessions a safe place was the trust built that allowed for raw and painful memories and feelings to be exposed, and the confidentiality that guarantees ones secrets are safe.

When Sean first asked me if “J” could sit in I thought it meant “that day”, not forever. I thought “that day” would be followed up the following week with Sean and I discussing it. 'How did it feel to have 'J' sit in? Was it okay? Did she feel like a good fit? Etc. And then maybe 'can we try again next week and see how it goes?' You know, more of a collaborative effort and we ease into it.      'Cos we all know that flooding is not a good approach and this has been flooding.

It's hard to explain but I feel like everything is ruined/tainted and it's my fault for having such trouble with this.

**we did talk about this and although it is still not 100% okay , it's getting a little easier

Conditioned Emotional Response

a CER is an automatic emotional repsonse to a trigger whether purposefully conditioned or acquired through experience/trauma.

Last week trauma group introduced Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I have a negative conditioned emotional response to those words. Every time I hear or read those words I can feel my guard go up. I immediately feel defensive. Why? Because my perception of CBT, based on what little I've read about it, is that it is a blame the victim approach. Your thoughts control your emotions so just get control of your thoughts and behave your way to normal. If you're depressed, anxious, or whatever ..... it's because you are 'choosing' to wallow in negative thoughts. There is no compassion.

In order to change my conditioned emotional response I would need to have my perception of what CBT is changed through learning that it is something different. I am learning that is it something quite different from what I think.

Sometimes Professionals Have To Be Reminded ......

to be aware of how their actions might affect other people. Last week at trauma group a young girl barged into the room near the end of the session. She was a student? on a two week rotation. I use the word barged because she flung the door open and made a disruptive entrance, after which she pulled a chair up to the table and the proceeded to pop open a can of pop.

(a) this was rude. If you arrive late to something already in session you do so quietly so as not to be disruptive.

(b) being as this a group of people overcoming trauma and she knew this, she should have been more aware of her how behaviour might have affected people in the group. We don't know what each individuals trauma is. What if someone in the group is recovering from the trauma of a violent home invasion? The girls sudden loud intrusion could have triggered a trauma flashback in someone.

A professional or aspiring professional should know better

The Who Do You Think You Are Gremlins

Brene Brown says that in addition to telling us “you're not good enough', shame also says “who do you think you are”. When we think we can do something or be something, the shame gremlins say, “who do you think you are?”

The shame gremlins have been haunting me this week. I've been starting to write a booklet (book?) about how dogs learn. The psychology of dog training. Some of the content is stuff that I have already written in my lesson and lecture handouts. I was feeling like this was something I could do and possessed enough knowledge to do a good job. Then a few days ago I responded to a post on a training page on facebook, answering a question someone had posted asking for clarification about an article that had been posted. In response to my post, another trainer chimed in basically saying the same thing but using all technical terms and then signed off with her Phd credentials (which are not in in behaviour, animal sciences, or psychology), and it triggered the gremlins ......

• who do you think you are? You don't have a Phd
• who do you think you are to write on this topic?
• Who would be interested in what you have to say?
• Do you even know what you are talking about?
• You don't talk in technical terms .... who do you think you are?

I now I feel insecure and have lost incentive. Fear of failure and fear of criticism are shutting me down. “This” is what trauma looks like. This is what trauma does to a person.

We've been learning about CBT in group and have a chart to fill out that asks what is the triggering event, what emotions did it trigger, what thoughts did it trigger. And then to ask what are the advantages and disadvantages of those emotions and thoughts. And what is the evidence for and against those thoughts/emotions. And then let's find a more balanced conclusion. I think I need to fill out a chart for these gremlins.

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