Today's Revelation
As mentioned before, I don't like conflict or confrontation. I realize now that this is tied to fears of rejection. Seems like I'm noticing 'rejection' as a theme in my life. Whenever I've stood up for myself it's resulted in some sort of rejection/loss. And thus, whenever conflict arises, I back down because standing up for myself means that I risk drama and rejection. I always feel the threat of losing something if/when I speak up. Always worried that the rug will be pulled out from under me. Growing up, the threat of losing something was used to manipulate me into compliance. As a very shy child any change in routine is terrifying, and that was used against me. 'If you don't do [ _____ ], we'll take away your ballet lessons'; 'if you don't do [ ___ ] we'll put you in a different school'. Those were common threats. So there is a deeply ingrained fear of speaking up, setting boundaries, resulting in me losing something ….. friendship, relationships, love, acceptance.
It's a vicious circle. I fear the loss of friends, even those who are not good for me, because I fear having no one. But Sean tells me that boundaries are necessary to secure relationships. That boundaries put value on ourselves & our friendships. It's hard to wrap my head around because I've always tried to just go along to get along …. don't rock the boat …. keep everyone happy even if it's at the expense of my own happiness.
I feel like I attract people who hurt me and use me. Sean said that it's not that I 'attract' them, but that I am more tolerant of narcissistic people because that's what I'm used to and what I grew up with. He says I need to look out for narcissists (recognize them), set boundaries, and walk away.
What Am I Afraid Of?
Having something held over me &/or used against me either to embarrass me or to use as control and for coercion.
Who's Safe? I'm always worried about who is safe. It was recently the anniversary of the murder of someone I knew in the dog fancy. Her husband beat her to death. I'm sure when she first met him and subsequently married him, she thought he was "safe". My own stalking contributed to my fears of who is safe. How do you know who is safe?
Why Does Validation/Acknowledgement Have Conflicting Emotions?
It's been a gift to have my cousins validate my memories about how my mother behaved. It means I'm not crazy and making stuff up. It means truth. But it also brings a feeling of sadness. It's a relief to know the truth but at the same time ….. I'm not sure I can explain the feeling ….. there's a sense of , 'oh my God, it really happened'. Sort of like you can't believe what you already know. A truth that you can't quite comprehend.
I spoke to Sean about this and he tried to make it make sense for me. Forgive me if I don't get this exactly right. I forget details of our conversations and although I've been making notes, I don't always understand what I've written. My notes say:
Struggling with Triggers
I was watching a tv show in which a man and his father were sitting watching a baseball game, and when the son turned to address his father, he discovered he was dead in the seat. This triggered the memory of the time my dad passed out and I thought he'd died in front of me. It triggered the panic and fear I felt at the time. And the fear I felt through the last few years of my dads life ….. that he would die at home and I'd find him.
I had the same fear when my mother was alive. She spent a lot of time sleeping in her recliner chair in the living room. She had a greyish complexion and slept soundly and very often ….. at least once daily …. I'd be unsure as to whether or not she was alive. The stress and fear of checking to be sure was very trying.
As mentioned before, I don't like conflict or confrontation. I realize now that this is tied to fears of rejection. Seems like I'm noticing 'rejection' as a theme in my life. Whenever I've stood up for myself it's resulted in some sort of rejection/loss. And thus, whenever conflict arises, I back down because standing up for myself means that I risk drama and rejection. I always feel the threat of losing something if/when I speak up. Always worried that the rug will be pulled out from under me. Growing up, the threat of losing something was used to manipulate me into compliance. As a very shy child any change in routine is terrifying, and that was used against me. 'If you don't do [ _____ ], we'll take away your ballet lessons'; 'if you don't do [ ___ ] we'll put you in a different school'. Those were common threats. So there is a deeply ingrained fear of speaking up, setting boundaries, resulting in me losing something ….. friendship, relationships, love, acceptance.
It's a vicious circle. I fear the loss of friends, even those who are not good for me, because I fear having no one. But Sean tells me that boundaries are necessary to secure relationships. That boundaries put value on ourselves & our friendships. It's hard to wrap my head around because I've always tried to just go along to get along …. don't rock the boat …. keep everyone happy even if it's at the expense of my own happiness.
I feel like I attract people who hurt me and use me. Sean said that it's not that I 'attract' them, but that I am more tolerant of narcissistic people because that's what I'm used to and what I grew up with. He says I need to look out for narcissists (recognize them), set boundaries, and walk away.
What Am I Afraid Of?
- taking initiative
- doing something wrong
- being laughed at / made fun of or belittled
- not being good at [ ___ ] and being belittled
- being afraid to look stupid
Having something held over me &/or used against me either to embarrass me or to use as control and for coercion.
Who's Safe? I'm always worried about who is safe. It was recently the anniversary of the murder of someone I knew in the dog fancy. Her husband beat her to death. I'm sure when she first met him and subsequently married him, she thought he was "safe". My own stalking contributed to my fears of who is safe. How do you know who is safe?
Why Does Validation/Acknowledgement Have Conflicting Emotions?
It's been a gift to have my cousins validate my memories about how my mother behaved. It means I'm not crazy and making stuff up. It means truth. But it also brings a feeling of sadness. It's a relief to know the truth but at the same time ….. I'm not sure I can explain the feeling ….. there's a sense of , 'oh my God, it really happened'. Sort of like you can't believe what you already know. A truth that you can't quite comprehend.
I spoke to Sean about this and he tried to make it make sense for me. Forgive me if I don't get this exactly right. I forget details of our conversations and although I've been making notes, I don't always understand what I've written. My notes say:
- when we are in it, it's hard to change
- denial > reality > acceptance > to present
- we don't choose denial
Struggling with Triggers
I was watching a tv show in which a man and his father were sitting watching a baseball game, and when the son turned to address his father, he discovered he was dead in the seat. This triggered the memory of the time my dad passed out and I thought he'd died in front of me. It triggered the panic and fear I felt at the time. And the fear I felt through the last few years of my dads life ….. that he would die at home and I'd find him.
I had the same fear when my mother was alive. She spent a lot of time sleeping in her recliner chair in the living room. She had a greyish complexion and slept soundly and very often ….. at least once daily …. I'd be unsure as to whether or not she was alive. The stress and fear of checking to be sure was very trying.
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