Finances For the first time in two and a half years, it’s the end of the month and I’m not in a panic about not having enough money to pay the mortgage and property taxes. For the first time in two and a half years I have enough money to meet the bills. In fact, I have more than enough. Not a lot more, but enough to ease my stress. And enough to pay my cousin back half of the money she loaned me a year ago. And that makes me feel good. The Animals In My Life My current animals include dogs, cats, a pot bellied pig, a guinea pig, 2 baby axolotls, 2 sheep, 2 mini-donkeys, 3 ponies, and a llama. Past pets have included cockatiels, lovebirds, rabbits, goldfish, ducks, and goats. I did have chickens for awhile but they weren't pets …. they were for eggs. Thinking back, I remember a budgie or two in my childhood; and a gerbil at one point. They didn’t have long lives ☹ I remember being told, and I think there might be a photo somew
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Self Compassion Knowing that therapy is hard is grounds for self compassion. In theory, the skills we are learning in therapy sound simple, but they require a huge change in the brain. I’m fighting against deeply ingrained core beliefs. And I realize that I’m still haunted to some degree, by the stigma surrounding mental health issues. How do I know this? Because when Sean talks about us not being alone, the thought that goes through my mind is that I’m part of a population of broken people. Butty Sandwich My Dad came into my thoughts tonight. I was craving something to eat and Butty Sandwich popped into my mind. My dad used to make a sandwich with either a hashbrown or french fries between two slices of buttered bread. He called it a ‘butty sandwich’. I’m not sure where that name came from but suddenly I was craving a ‘butty sandwich’. So I made one 😊 Noticing Happy I just got home from work and I’m feeling happy. Yup, I’m pretty s
Alone / Unloved / Unwanted I’ve really been struggling the last month or so with feelings of isolation and loneliness. I'm feeling a lack of connection and feeling like I'm always going to be alone. Like it's too late and I'm too old to ever find anyone to share my life with. I want someone that I can take care of and that they can take care of me. I want to feel like if I were to die it would break someone’s heart. I know that sounds awful because we shouldn't want to break someone's heart, but it's a question of wanting to matter enough to someone that if I were to die it would mean something. To matter enough that if I was gone, I’d be missed. At this point in time I don't feel like I matter to anybody. Not for “me”. Sure it would matter to the dog school if I was gone because they’d have to replace me. It would matter to the people who would need to find homes for my animals, but only because they would have the
Neuroplasticity and Self Compassion ….. that was the topic of our group discussion today. Let me see if I can decipher my notes. The brain will change in response to what we do. It’s not a flaw in us. It’s a response to the environment, based on past learning and what our brain has learned in order to cope with different situations. Through this trauma therapy we have been learning new skill sets. Namely, self compassion and awareness. There are three levels of learning. Cognitive. Emotional. And Automatic – process. The brain changes for each type of learning. Builds new pathways. If the learning is easy we’re not changing our brain. If therapy is easy we’re not doing our job. If therapy is hard, we are doing our job. It has to be hard in order for the brain to make changes. Take for example, working out at the gym. If you always lift light/easy weights, you will see no change in your muscle development. But if you lift hard
Down In The Dumps I’ve been really struggling the past couple of weeks . I’m not sure what is happening but I feel like I’m on a downward trajectory. I haven’t felt so low and weepy in awhile. I was getting to a place of feeling mostly ‘okay’, and now I’m crying almost everyday again. Today I woke up feeling tremendous sadness and I can’t even identify what I’m sad about. Maybe it’s everything. I’m tired. I’m emotionally spent. And this, whatever it is, is interfering with my ability to do things and complete projects. I’m so fed up with this. I’m so tired of always struggling to survive. Of never having enough money and the constant worry about making ends meet and losing my house. I feel like I’m putting more energy into life than I’m getting out of life. I feel like I’m getting nothing out of life. I feel like a fraud again > putting on a happy face to hide what I’m feeling inside. To hide who I really am. Tired of ac
The Narcissist I read a meme on facebook that said: “Narcissist’s do not accept children having their own individuality. Any individual idea will be rejected and discouraged continuously, until the child give in to what the parent wants. The child will be ridiculed for their choice of clothing, career, friends, person they date, or anything the parent does not approve of. The child must conform to what the parent wants or they will be rejected and treated as though they are inadequate.” This really resonated with me. This has been my life. And it has extended to relationships outside of the parent/child relationship. In all walks of my life I have given in to the wishes of others. Always felt inadequate. Happiness Triggers Facebook and it’s memes 😊 I saw another one that said : Knowing our happiness triggers can be just as important as knowing our anger triggers . And the graphic showed examples of happiness triggers ….. clean sheets;
April 1 st / 2021 I’m feeling alone. Unloved. Unlovable. Hopeless. I feel like I’ll never have anybody who cares for me or values me. If I was worth loving, someone would have loved me by now. And now I’m too old for anyone to be attracted to me. And I sit here alone in my house with no one to talk to, no companionship, no one to care about, and no one to care about me. What kind of life is this? Tonight I’m feeling overlooked, rejected, and worthless. I have no one to comfort me when I feel sad, or hurt, or suffering. No one to hold me and make me feel safe and protected. I’m nobody’s best friend and no one is my best friend. What does that say about me? April 3 rd / 2021 It’s Easter weekend. And I’m alone again. I know the pandemic has everyone somewhat isolated, but most people I know have ‘someone’ in their life. A significant other, close friend, or family member(s) in their ‘bubble’. I looked in the mirror this morning
Bringing The Boys Home I brought Freedom and Stetson home last weekend. What should have been an exciting and joyful event, was instead fraught with stress. The day before they were to come home, my friend who owns the stables where they have been living, called me to say that someone at the barn wanted to buy Stetson. She has a little girl who loves him and is very attached to him. My immediate reaction was this physical sense (it’s hard to explain) of fear and anxiety. It’s my automatic go to. I did what we’ve been learning in trauma therapy > when feeling overwhelmed or backed into a corner, buy time. I said, “I’ll have to think about it.” That was met with, well you don’t really have time to think about it because he’s set to leave tomorrow, so you need to decide today. The person looking to buy Stetson was calling my friend and she was relaying the information to me. A little girl will be heartbroken to see him leave, and another horse
Loss It’s 3am and I’m awake and having a major meltdown. I’m not sure what triggered it. My sister died when she was fifteen and I was nineteen. I was alone in my grief. No one cared about my loss, not even parents who should have been aware that the loss of a sibling would be devastating. I had no support. I lost the only person in the world that I felt connected to. And here I sit forty years later, sobbing uncontrollably. I texted my cousin at 3:45am thinking she wouldn’t get the message until tomorrow, but she responded for a quick text chat back and forth. It’s been suggested to me a couple of times over the years that I’ve never gotten over my sister’s death. How can that be, so many years later? I allowed myself to cry. I didn’t try to stop it. Small Chore/Big Deal I cleaned a window sill today. Some people will understand what a big deal that is. Having A Good Day March 12/2021 > Let the record show that I’m ha
Feeling Unloved Another Sunday afternoon spent doing nothing. I only get one television channel so I see whatever is on and Saturday/Sunday afternoons air Hallmark movies. They are all pretty much the same storyline …… family, love, romance, a challenge, and in the end love wins. I know it’s not real life and I know it’s all scripted, but more and more these storylines make me realize how unloved I’ve been. And how unloved I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. And how unlovable I continue to feel. The core belief tells me that if I’ve never been loved it must because I’m not lovable. But why? What is wrong with me that has made me unlovable? In these movies parents love children, children love parents, siblings love each other, friendships are deep and enduring, and extended family is loved and connected. I’ve experienced none of this in my life. Life has been shallow and superficial. No deep connections. No sense of belonging. Just an empt