April 1^st/ 2021

I’m feeling alone.  Unloved.  Unlovable. Hopeless.

I feel like I’ll never have anybody who cares for me or values me.   If I was worth loving, someone would have loved me by now.   And now I’m too old for anyone to be attracted to me.   And I sit here alone in my house with no one to talk to, no companionship, no one to care about, and no one to care about me.  What kind of life is this?

Tonight I’m feeling overlooked, rejected, and worthless.   I have no one to comfort me when I feel sad, or hurt, or suffering.  No one to hold me and make me feel safe and protected.    I’m nobody’s best friend and no one is my best friend.    What does that say about me?

 

April 3^rd / 2021

It’s Easter weekend.  And I’m alone again.   I know the pandemic has everyone somewhat isolated, but most people I know have ‘someone’ in their life.  A significant other,  close friend, or family member(s) in their ‘bubble’. 

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw an old hag looking back.  An old hag with a double chin.   A double chin!!!   What the hell??   I read an article that said that it’s from not talking and exercising the face/neck muscles.   Terrific ….. the isolation from the pandemic  ….. living alone with no one to talk to  =  double chin.   It’s one thing to feel unattractive.  It’s another to KNOW I’m ugly and old.  And to top it off,  today my face and neck are itchy and red.   I must be having a reaction to something.

  

Shame

I don’t understand shame.     Even though I’ve read all of Brene Brown’s books about shame,  I still feel like I don’t really understand it.   It’s still a word that makes me cringe.  It makes me feel …. Violated?   I can’t explain it.   Just typing this I’m feeling physically uncomfortable and ….. ugh.   And now I’m cold/chilled.   That’s one of my physical signs of anxiety.    All because of the word shame.