Loss
It’s 3am and I’m
awake and having a major meltdown. I’m
not sure what triggered it. My sister
died when she was fifteen and I was nineteen.
I was alone in my grief. No one
cared about my loss, not even parents who should have been aware that the loss
of a sibling would be devastating. I had
no support. I lost the only person in the
world that I felt connected to. And
here I sit forty years later, sobbing
uncontrollably. I texted my cousin at
3:45am thinking she wouldn’t get the message until tomorrow, but she responded
for a quick text chat back and forth.
It’s been suggested to me a couple of times over the years that I’ve
never gotten over my sister’s death. How
can that be, so many years later? I allowed
myself to cry. I didn’t try to stop it.
Small Chore/Big Deal
I cleaned a window
sill today. Some people will understand
what a big deal that is.
Having A Good Day
I got a lot done today. I woke up and got up early, which in and of itself is newsworthy. :😊 Then I gathered up the laundry and went to the bank and then the laundromat, after which I went to the grocery store, and then the convenience store. I should mention it’s a half hour drive from home to the laundromat, and another half hour drive to the next town over and the grocery store.
As I went through my day I noticed I was feeling good. There was a spring to my step and even my voice sounded cheerier when I said, “have a nice day”, to the cashier at the store, and the bank teller at the bank. My mind asked myself, almost with disbelief, “could it be that I’m feeling good?” Part way between the two towns, my friend Mary phoned me and I pulled over and answered the call and we had a nice chat. I had a text conversation with my cousin, and another text convo with my friend Bev. Oh … and when I got home I even put the laundry away!! For me, this was a very busy , full day. Of course, there’s always the dogs, cats, pig, guinea pig, pony, donkeys, sheep, and llama to be cared for. They are a full time job.
Now it’s evening (7pm)
and I’m resting. My back pain has flared
up and I’ve taken Robax to ease it. I’ll
sit for awhile with a cup of tea, and then I’ll think about eating. It’s still a good day 😊
Can’t Cry In Public
I was watching one of
the ‘When Calls The Heart’ movies and part of it was very emotional and sad,
and tears welled up and ran down my face.
And I thought, ‘I could never
watch a show like this with anyone’. Because
I cry. And people who cry at movies are
belittled and made fun of. My mother
always teased me if I reacted emotionally to a movie. I realize now that it was her way of staving
off an emotional reaction in herself.
Make a joke so that you laugh instead of cry. And laugh at those of us who do cry. It was her way of protecting herself. Her way of
avoiding being vulnerable. And as
a result, even now, as an adult sitting alone watching a movie, I feel embarrassed
by my emotions.
Priority Vs Option
I saw a meme that said, “don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are an option in theirs". It triggered an immediate sadness in me. I’m not a priority in anyone’s life. I’m an option. And always everyone’s last choice. Even my dog sport shows are not a priority for most of the performers. It’s an option, as evidenced by their willingness to bail on my show if they ‘get a better offer’’; which has been anything from a competing show, a date, and a myriad of other ‘better offers’.
In thinking about it,
I don’t think there is anyone who is a priority in my life either …. other than
my animals. When my dad was alive he
was a priority, but now I have no one. There’s
no one close enough, connected enough, to be a priority. It makes me feel like my life is very shallow
and insignificant. And very alone. An on the heels of these emotions comes the
downward spiral into ‘I’m too old and ugly and unworthy to over be loved and
thus be a priority to someone or have someone who would be a priority to me’.
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