Feeling Unloved

Another Sunday afternoon spent doing nothing.  I only get one television channel so I see whatever is on and Saturday/Sunday afternoons air Hallmark movies.   They are all pretty much the same storyline …… family, love, romance, a challenge, and in the end love wins.   I know it’s not real life and I know it’s all scripted, but more and more these storylines make me realize  how unloved I’ve been.   And how unloved I’ve felt  for as long as I can remember.   And how unlovable I continue to feel.   The core belief tells me that if I’ve never been loved it must because I’m not lovable.   But why?  What is wrong with me that has made me unlovable?  In these movies parents love children, children love parents, siblings love each other, friendships are deep and enduring, and extended family is loved and connected.   I’ve experienced none of this in my life.  Life has been shallow and superficial.  No deep connections.  No sense of belonging.  Just an emptiness.  And it makes me cry.  And feel so alone.  It’s a feeling of brokenness.  Some part of me is broken and made me unlovable.  For some reason I’m someone no one wants.

 

 

February 22/2021

 

Dad would have been 95 today

 

 

February 23/2021

 

Flynn died today  ☹   He was almost 11yrs old.   A sweet, gentle, border collie.

 

 

February 24/2021

I’m out of money & I’m almost out of food.   The mortgage payment is due on the 26^th ….. last business day of the month.   Cremation for Flynn cost $198 and change.  The ground was too frozen to bury him here on the farm.   That was a big financial blow, and has left me without funds to pay the mortgage or buy food.   I used the last few dollars to buy dog and cat food.  I have about $30 left in the bank.  I’m not sure when my fee from the dog school will come through.   I’ll have to ask for it … but I hate having to ask.   Not only is the mortgage due but also the internet, the rent for the training hall in Burlington, and the phone.  Oh .. and the hydro bill too.

Dads birthday and death anniversaries, Flynn’s death, money worry/stress, and past two days of work have me physically and mentally exhausted.   I feel completely drained today.  Trying to stave off a panic that serves no purpose, and trust that somehow the universe will provide and the money I need will manifest and I’ll scrape through another month.

 

Another Week Gone By

I taught on Monday and Tuesday nights and I can’t remember Wednesday.  Yesterday was therapy sessions and I went grocery shopping.  And today I can’t get out of bed.  It’s 3pm.   {sigh}    I need to get up! 

Managed to get up around 4pm and get some laundry together and now I’m at the laundromat.  I’ll attempt to decipher my notes from yesterdays therapy.  The topic was dopamine and how it affects our motivation.   How “getting going” can be so difficult. 

Dopamine has two systems.  The system for motivational drive;  feel good system;  reinforcement;  move forward.   When we start to get really depressed and our dopamine levels begin to drop,  our energy and drive to do anything drops because our brain is not being supported by the chemical dopamine.   The other side is the motor system.  We need to get dopamine up a bit by reinforcing small steps.  But it can be difficult to self motivate because we run up against core beliefs.  We need to push back against our core beliefs.   Punishing ourselves for low motivation is not productive because punishment is not sustainable ….. it comes at a cost.   Berating ourselves for low motivation is punishment.

If our dopamine is not used to using its resources then when we do have a good day, the next day we can feel depleted, and depressed.   Dopamine behaves like a muscle ….. it will be sore/tired if not used.