Life Changes When Dad was going into the retirement home and then hospital , waiting for long term care placement, it was so overwhelmingly sad because it meant he was never coming home again. He hadn't died. But he was never coming home again. I felt a huge sense of loss and grief . It signalled the end of life as we knew it. Having A Really Hard Day I couldn't sleep last night so I sat up surfing youtube and listening to music. I came across Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman singing Time To Say Goodbye (from the Phantom Of The Opera score). I'm having a really hard time today. Crying and feeling a sense of profound sadness. That song has triggered so much emotion and I can't get it out of my head. It made me think of a song you might play at a funeral, which got me thinking about my dad and maybe it's time to start thinking about burying his ashes ...... time to say good bye. Maybe still having them means I can't
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Showing posts from May, 2020
May 29, 2020 > 5:20pm I'm at the laundromat. I was loading my clothes into the machine and for some reason my dad popped into my mind and I felt a profound sadness sweep over me. Now I'm sitting in the car and feeling weepy. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's trigger stacking because of all the covid stuff going on and the information coming out about how bad the situation is in Long Term Care homes. Horrors that pre-date covid. Behaviour that had it not been for the military going to help during covid, would have gone unreported. The findings don't surprise me. Not after what I witnessed with the PSW that a family hired to care for a man sharing my dads hospital room. She was awful, disrespectful, and on one occasion when this poor man was asking to go to the bathroom, she told him, "just go in your pants, someone will clean you up later." I was horrified. Who treats a person like that? Her JOB was to look after this man. His fa
Taking Care Of Me I think this is what they call “self nurturing”. I've become a little obsessed with not gaining weight during this 'stay at home' time. Truth be told, I'd like to lose some. I've been trying to keep track of what I'm eating. Not dieting. But keeping a daily log so I know what I've had and can manage/plan healthier, better balanced meals. Eating more slowly. Smaller portions. Less junk. But not depriving myself. If I want a dessert , I'll have a dessert and adjust for it with the next meal or the next day. I've also started walking to the mailbox rather than getting the mail when I'm driving out. The driveway is 400ft long and on an incline. Downhill to the road and uphill back to the house. This past week I also started to learn Tai Chi. I've been intrigued and thought of learning Tai Chi for many years and had an instructional DVD that I'd never watched. This week I dug it
Not Quite A Murder Dream I was in my car at a gas station. Another car pulled in and suddenly I hear screaming and I look in the rear view mirror and there is a woman being attacked. Next thing I know she's thrown onto the trunk of my car and is screaming and struggling to get free. For a brief moment I consider getting out of the car, but instead I start yelling, “hey!”, and start honking the car horn to make noise, get attention, and scare the attacker away. And I'm dialing 911. Then I'm in a room and telling ??? (someone unknown) what I saw. Why do I have these dreams? Where do these horrible images come from? Fear Of Feeling Good? I've pondered this before and it's entered my thoughts again ...... is it possible to be afraid of feeling good? I have experienced episodes of feeling a surge of excitement, or enthusiasm (dare I say joy?), and as the emotion is bubbling to the surface, a need to suppress it interrupts the
Don't Forget The Positive Stuff ..... It's strange how our brains negative bias can overshadow and make us forget the positive things. Amidst the doom and gloom there have been good things. A week or so ago, I had the opportunity to rescue a litter of kittens. My mechanic/neighbour down the road was moving a pick up truck to take to scrap and discovered a litter of kittens behind the front seat. Mamma cat ran away scared . She had come back by the time I got there and even though I was as quiet as possible (hoping not to scare her), the minute she became aware of my presence she shot out from behind the seat, ran across the dashboard, and bolted out the window at the speed of light. The kittens were about 4wks old. Mamma had taken good care of them. They were well fed and chubby. They couldn't be left there though because the truck was going to scrap that day. I packed the kittens in a box and brought them home. I felt sad for Mamma Cat coming ba
May 14, 2020 It's been a rough day. Woke up weepy and easily triggered to tears. I'm not sure why. It's a dull, overcast day so I know that's a contributor to my weepy mood. Shortly after I woke up, and before I got up, I saw a doctor on tv talking about covid 19 and outlining three possible 'second wave' scenarios, and his opinion was that it will be two years before we get through this. Two Years!! I already feel like I have very little life left. I can't afford to lose two years. This sent me into a downward spiral. I already battle the feelings of *you're too old > it's too late *. If I'm too old and it's too late now, what hope is there for two years from now. I talked to Sean today and I can't remember what we talked about. {sigh} My brain is a fog. It'll probably come back to me .... I hope. It's just been a very long emotional day. I went into Hagersville to Foodland and had a melt
Bizzaro Dream! It took place at this house. My mother was in the dream even though she never lived at this location. There were four vehicles parked/stopped on the road at the end of my driveway. A black pick up truck. A black SUV. And two other non-descript vehicles. There were men in the cars and standing outside the cars, chatting. Mum was sitting out the front of the house (in a yard area that is not part of this property landscape). I was inside and looked out the window to see who was at the end of the property. Then I went outside to where my mom was and I ask who are these people and why are they stopped by our property. I guess this is a good time to mention that in 'real life' (aka waking hours) I am freaked out if anyone comes on the property, or turns their vehicle around in my driveway, or stops on the road anywhere along my property line. Then a bylaw car came by and drove up the driveway. And immediately I feel fearful. I go aroun
Pandemic …. Day 47 The World Health Organization declared covid 19 an official pandemic on March 20, 2020. That makes today 47 days. I'm feeling really tired and without energy today. My left knee, both elbows, and right wrist are still sore/strained from the goat attack thirteen days ago. My core still feels battered and I'm still feeling the effects of having been so winded and out of breath from the attack. Sunday was a beautiful sunny warm day but the weather has turned cold again. The news today said that it's the coldest May 4th in fifteen years! I have things to be grateful for and I do a gratitude inventory everyday to keep those positives alive in my mind. Yesterday I collected a donation of dog food that will feed my dogs for ten days. Prior to this, my amazing vet donated ten bags of dog food to my canines. Friends and family have helped me financially with large unexpected expenses, and I got the pandemic relief programs > CERB and the si
Pandemic Days I saw a meme on facebook that said: We're turning into our dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We're told NO! if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited at the prospect of a car ride. Yup! Insecurities I started working on my online dog training programs. I taped lessons one and two of Real Life Skills and lesson one of Deaf Dog Life Skills. And did outlines for nosework, tricks, reactive dog, and backyard agility programs. I was feeling accomplished. And then I saw a post on facebook criticizing a very well known and well respected trainer, and it triggered all my insecurities. My upward swing of momentum took a nose dive. My fear of not being good enough engulfed my psyche. What if people don't like my programs? What if peers diss my programs? Do I really want to risk being 'seen'? Risk being criticized . Risk being rejected. Ah .... there's that word again . Rejecti