May 29, 2020 > 5:20pm
I'm at the laundromat. I was loading my clothes into the machine and for some reason my dad popped into my mind and I felt a profound sadness sweep over me. Now I'm sitting in the car and feeling weepy. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's trigger stacking because of all the covid stuff going on and the information coming out about how bad the situation is in Long Term Care homes. Horrors that pre-date covid. Behaviour that had it not been for the military going to help during covid, would have gone unreported. The findings don't surprise me. Not after what I witnessed with the PSW that a family hired to care for a man sharing my dads hospital room. She was awful, disrespectful, and on one occasion when this poor man was asking to go to the bathroom, she told him, "just go in your pants, someone will clean you up later." I was horrified. Who treats a person like that? Her JOB was to look after this man. His family hired her to help look after him and advocate for him in their absence. And she treated this man with disdain. I also saw a huge discrepancy between long term care facilities that I toured when looking for a place for Dad. Some places were nice and the residents seemed happy and the staff kind. Other places were dumps. And they were all government subsidized so all the same price. I had to really put my foot down with CCAC and refuse certain facilities.
Perhaps my sadness is a sense of relief that my dad was spared the experience of LTC, even though I vetted and chose the places acceptable to us. Can relief and sadness go together? I have expressed during this pandemic that I'm glad my dad isn't here to experience this. Then I feel guilty for thinking that, because I feel like it sounds like I'm glad he's dead. And I'm not. But now that all this stuff is coming out about LTC homes and how badly residents are treated, I'm relieved that Dad didn't experience that treatment or the isolation imposed by the pandemic.
So maybe this wave of sadness is because the laundromat reminded me of Dad (we used to go there together) and that made me think about what's happening with LTC homes and how in a sense Dad was lucky not to live to see this.
Grounding > Mindfulness
Tai Chi is supposed to help one get grounded/centered. It's almost like a form of meditation as you clear your mind to focus on the movements. It requires slow breathing. Calm. And in turn, the movements produce a sense of calm.
I'm really not good with the mindfulness exercises that we ended the trauma group sessions with. I always feel awkward and conspicuous . A bit worried I'll fall asleep if I get too relaxed. But mostly I think it's about feeling vulnerable, and not being comfortable with that feeling. So Tai Chi is something I do alone. Of course, at this time there are no group anythings going on. But even post pandemic I think it will be a private indulgence.
I've been looking at other grounding exercises to help alleviate my anxiety.
1) Walking Meditation > as you walk, you name things around you ….. tree, dog, flowers, weeds, pathway, car, bike, etc.
2) Grounding > take note of 5 things you can see; 4 things you can hear; 3 things you can touch; 2 things you can smell; and 1 thing you can taste.
Is It For Me or How People Perceive Me?
Thinking about self nurturing and wondering what my motivation is. My concern with weight gain, getting the exercise equipment out. Is that for "me" or is part of me doing it to service how other people view me? Maybe a little of both?
When I was visiting Dad in the hospital I always tried to dress nice because I felt that how people perceived me was a reflection on my dad. I observed that people/patients were treated differently based on how they looked. Well groomed vs unkempt. Perceived as well educated, and spoken to as such, vs someone they talk down to. It was important to me that my dad be treated well and I felt that how I was perceived influenced that. So I have a closet full of nice clothes that were purchased specifically to visit Dad.
When I was going to therapy and trauma group sessions at the hospital in St. Catherine's, I also felt the need to dress nicely. I told myself, "just because you feel like a train wreck, doesn't mean you have to look like one". In the same vein that I felt people's perception of me would influence how my dad was treated, I think I had (have) the same feeling about myself. How people treat me will depend on how I look. I was taught that if you look slovenly no one will want to be around you. You have to be presentable or better. Good thing I have that closet full of clothes!
I think part of this comes from my mother. We were always schooled, "don't make me look bad". And to be on our best behavior in public. My mother was very critical about other kids who were rowdy or whose clothes were not clean or their hair not brushed. It was a scar against their mothers for letting them out in public like that > she was a better mother because we were clean and coiffed just so. But she was a contradiction too because other times she'd see kids who were not allowed to play 'cos they were in their Sunday best and she'd criticize their mothers for not letting them be kids. {sigh} I guess there was no 'right' way to be.
But back to the here and now. Am I wanting to be thinner and in better shape for "me", or for how people perceive me? I don't want to be old. I don't want to look old. I don't want people to know I'm old. I suppose that's telling. I guess it IS for me if it's serving to make me 'feel' better about myself. But there's also that sprinkling of what other people think, and that what other people think influences what I think and feel about myself. Ugh. Is it wrong to care what other people think? What would Sean say if we were having this conversation?? Hmmm. I think he'd say it's okay to care about what people think, as long as we don't let what other people think define us. We don't want to be governed by other peoples perceptions.
I'm at the laundromat. I was loading my clothes into the machine and for some reason my dad popped into my mind and I felt a profound sadness sweep over me. Now I'm sitting in the car and feeling weepy. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's trigger stacking because of all the covid stuff going on and the information coming out about how bad the situation is in Long Term Care homes. Horrors that pre-date covid. Behaviour that had it not been for the military going to help during covid, would have gone unreported. The findings don't surprise me. Not after what I witnessed with the PSW that a family hired to care for a man sharing my dads hospital room. She was awful, disrespectful, and on one occasion when this poor man was asking to go to the bathroom, she told him, "just go in your pants, someone will clean you up later." I was horrified. Who treats a person like that? Her JOB was to look after this man. His family hired her to help look after him and advocate for him in their absence. And she treated this man with disdain. I also saw a huge discrepancy between long term care facilities that I toured when looking for a place for Dad. Some places were nice and the residents seemed happy and the staff kind. Other places were dumps. And they were all government subsidized so all the same price. I had to really put my foot down with CCAC and refuse certain facilities.
Perhaps my sadness is a sense of relief that my dad was spared the experience of LTC, even though I vetted and chose the places acceptable to us. Can relief and sadness go together? I have expressed during this pandemic that I'm glad my dad isn't here to experience this. Then I feel guilty for thinking that, because I feel like it sounds like I'm glad he's dead. And I'm not. But now that all this stuff is coming out about LTC homes and how badly residents are treated, I'm relieved that Dad didn't experience that treatment or the isolation imposed by the pandemic.
So maybe this wave of sadness is because the laundromat reminded me of Dad (we used to go there together) and that made me think about what's happening with LTC homes and how in a sense Dad was lucky not to live to see this.
Grounding > Mindfulness
Tai Chi is supposed to help one get grounded/centered. It's almost like a form of meditation as you clear your mind to focus on the movements. It requires slow breathing. Calm. And in turn, the movements produce a sense of calm.
I'm really not good with the mindfulness exercises that we ended the trauma group sessions with. I always feel awkward and conspicuous . A bit worried I'll fall asleep if I get too relaxed. But mostly I think it's about feeling vulnerable, and not being comfortable with that feeling. So Tai Chi is something I do alone. Of course, at this time there are no group anythings going on. But even post pandemic I think it will be a private indulgence.
I've been looking at other grounding exercises to help alleviate my anxiety.
1) Walking Meditation > as you walk, you name things around you ….. tree, dog, flowers, weeds, pathway, car, bike, etc.
2) Grounding > take note of 5 things you can see; 4 things you can hear; 3 things you can touch; 2 things you can smell; and 1 thing you can taste.
Is It For Me or How People Perceive Me?
Thinking about self nurturing and wondering what my motivation is. My concern with weight gain, getting the exercise equipment out. Is that for "me" or is part of me doing it to service how other people view me? Maybe a little of both?
When I was visiting Dad in the hospital I always tried to dress nice because I felt that how people perceived me was a reflection on my dad. I observed that people/patients were treated differently based on how they looked. Well groomed vs unkempt. Perceived as well educated, and spoken to as such, vs someone they talk down to. It was important to me that my dad be treated well and I felt that how I was perceived influenced that. So I have a closet full of nice clothes that were purchased specifically to visit Dad.
When I was going to therapy and trauma group sessions at the hospital in St. Catherine's, I also felt the need to dress nicely. I told myself, "just because you feel like a train wreck, doesn't mean you have to look like one". In the same vein that I felt people's perception of me would influence how my dad was treated, I think I had (have) the same feeling about myself. How people treat me will depend on how I look. I was taught that if you look slovenly no one will want to be around you. You have to be presentable or better. Good thing I have that closet full of clothes!
I think part of this comes from my mother. We were always schooled, "don't make me look bad". And to be on our best behavior in public. My mother was very critical about other kids who were rowdy or whose clothes were not clean or their hair not brushed. It was a scar against their mothers for letting them out in public like that > she was a better mother because we were clean and coiffed just so. But she was a contradiction too because other times she'd see kids who were not allowed to play 'cos they were in their Sunday best and she'd criticize their mothers for not letting them be kids. {sigh} I guess there was no 'right' way to be.
But back to the here and now. Am I wanting to be thinner and in better shape for "me", or for how people perceive me? I don't want to be old. I don't want to look old. I don't want people to know I'm old. I suppose that's telling. I guess it IS for me if it's serving to make me 'feel' better about myself. But there's also that sprinkling of what other people think, and that what other people think influences what I think and feel about myself. Ugh. Is it wrong to care what other people think? What would Sean say if we were having this conversation?? Hmmm. I think he'd say it's okay to care about what people think, as long as we don't let what other people think define us. We don't want to be governed by other peoples perceptions.
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