Not Quite A Murder Dream

I was in my car at a gas station. Another car pulled in and suddenly I hear screaming and I look in the rear view mirror and there is a woman being attacked. Next thing I know she's thrown onto the trunk of my car and is screaming and struggling to get free. For a brief moment I consider getting out of the car, but instead I start yelling, “hey!”, and start honking the car horn to make noise, get attention, and scare the attacker away. And I'm dialing 911. Then I'm in a room and telling ??? (someone unknown) what I saw.

Why do I have these dreams? Where do these horrible images come from?

 

Fear Of Feeling Good?

I've pondered this before and it's entered my thoughts again ...... is it possible to be afraid of feeling good?    I have experienced episodes of feeling a surge of excitement, or enthusiasm (dare I say joy?), and as the emotion is bubbling to the surface, a need to suppress it interrupts the 'good' emotion. And that brings one to the question, “is it possible to be afraid of being happy?” Is it possible to be afraid of feeling differently than we feel right now? Even when we feel like we don't want to feel this way anymore, is it possible that some part of our brain is afraid of step into change? The new arena of [let's call it] wellness presents new feelings and thoughts, as well as changes in behaviour. It might also trigger us or others to put new expectations on ourselves.

One thing I do know is that when you've endured depression, anxiety, or trauma for a long period of time, it affects your behaviour/reaction to events you encounter. Behaving/reacting/feeling a certain way becomes familiar . ...... normal. You know how to function within these parameters. There was a pandemic meme circulating on facebook that said something to the effect of: Introverts, please check on your extrovert friends > they don't know how this works (in reference to self isolating ). We might alter that to say: Happy people please check on your depressed friends , they don't know how this works.

Persons suffering from depression, anxiety, and/or trauma don't know how “happy” works. “I” don't know how happy works. And as strange as it sounds, feeling 'good' can actually trigger anxiety and make me feel irritated.  Sounds kinda nutty huh??   It's as if feeling good is uncomfortable ..... strange .... unfamiliar.   As if there's an underlying fear of getting better .... a fear of recovery.     How is that possible?    Isn't the ultimate goal to get better?   Isn't that why we embark on this journey?

I think part of the process of being able to welcome 'recovery', is being able to let go of those core beliefs that tell us (me) that we are unworthy. Being able to step into a better life requires that we believe that we deserve it.   New question ….. how do I get to that belief?

Fear Of Rejection (ya we're back to this topic!)

I've read that fear of rejection is a normal human fear because we are biologically wired with a need to belong. We fear being alone and become anxious about being cut off, isolated, or somehow belittled. Our hard wired aversion to unpleasant experiences also plays a role in our fear of rejection, and this fear drives us to partake in behaviours that don't really serve us well. For example, we withdraw from people rather than take the risk of connecting; or we refrain from allowing ourselves to feel authentic feelings; and we abandon people before they have a chance to abandon us.

Rejection is terrifying to those of us who fall victim to this fear. Rejection confirms deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves. That we are unworthy. Unloveable. Or have no value. That we're not good enough. That we don't belong. And this hurt that rejection imposes upon us is intensified by the feeling that there is something wrong with us for feeling the way we do.   Parallel Lives > rejection in the here and now, reactivates old traumas.   And leaves us feeling agitated, anxious, and oftentimes depressed.

I want to pitch a show to someone but my fear of rejection is preventing me from doing so. Sticking my neck out is not my modes operandi. I'm afraid my idea will be seen as stupid which in my world means that “I” am stupid. {sigh} I talked with Sean about this and said I guess what I need to do is get to a place where I'll be okay if my idea is rejected. Sean suggested that it's alright not to be 'okay' with rejection, as long as I'm not devastated by it. Ah ... there's the challenge! I'm too easily devastated. What I think or 'do' is very entwined in my sense of who I am. If my idea is rejected > I'm rejected. I have trouble separating who I am from what I do. I was raised to believe that what you 'do' (for a living) represents who you are. How your ideas, thoughts, actions, and emotions are perceived by others defines who you are. In order to be 'someone' (as opposed to a nobody) you had to have a profession that was regarded as worthy. And as such, anything that shines a disapproving light on my ideas, thoughts, actions, or emotions, equals a rejection of “me” personally. It confirms the I'm not good enough feelings/fears.

Sean, always the voice of reason, said to consider this: sometimes and idea/proposal is rejected not because it's not good, but because the timing isn't right. Maybe it's a proposal come too soon > before it's time. Or maybe it's just not the right fit for the audience you've pitched to. He said sometimes it's just 2 puzzle pieces that don't fit together. But the idea, the proposal still has value. It just needs to reach the right audience.