Pandemic …. Day 47
The World Health Organization declared covid 19 an official pandemic on March 20, 2020. That makes today 47 days.
I'm feeling really tired and without energy today. My left knee, both elbows, and right wrist are still sore/strained from the goat attack thirteen days ago. My core still feels battered and I'm still feeling the effects of having been so winded and out of breath from the attack.
Sunday was a beautiful sunny warm day but the weather has turned cold again. The news today said that it's the coldest May 4th in fifteen years! I have things to be grateful for and I do a gratitude inventory everyday to keep those positives alive in my mind. Yesterday I collected a donation of dog food that will feed my dogs for ten days. Prior to this, my amazing vet donated ten bags of dog food to my canines. Friends and family have helped me financially with large unexpected expenses, and I got the pandemic relief programs > CERB and the six month mortgage deferral
So why am I sad?
I'm feeling sad and weepy today. I feel like this covid 19 is going to last forever. Like life will never return to normal. I feel like I'll never see my friends/family again.. I feel like I'll never see Sean and speak face to face again. We chat weekly by telephone but it's not the same as in person conversation. As time goes on I'm feeling more at risk rather than less at risk when I go out. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed when I go shopping. Panic is an unwelcome companion. The laundry is piling up and a trip to the laundromat is needed, but I keep putting it off. Worried about (a) social distancing, and (b) being judged/criticized for being out in public. I bought two face masks and ordered three more so that I have some protection for when in public. I still feel a little awkward wearing a mask as there are still many more people not wearing masks than wearing them. I feel like the non-mask wearers are looking at the mask wearers and thinking we are over reacting. But I also feel that going mask free opens me up to criticism for being out in public. Stay At Home is the ordinance, with the unspoken caveat *as much as possible*, because we all need to go out for groceries at least once a week. I suppose there are people who have the financial ability and storage/freezer space to stock up for a few weeks at a time; or who live where 100% online shopping/delivery can be done. But there are a lot of folks like me who don't have the storage or freezer space to stockpile weeks of food and /or don't live in areas where home delivery is an option; or who don't have credit cards necessary for online shopping. Canada Post and FedEx deliver to where I am but we are too far out of town for things such as Skip The Dishes or other food delivery services. I have a very small fridge with a very small freezer so I need to buy perishables on a weekly basis. I need to buy drinking water for myself and the dogs/cats. That requires me to go out to the self serve refill station once very three days. I go at night to avoid exposure to other people and I wipe down/sanitize the door handles and the control panel before touching them; and I sanitize my hands before getting back into my car. At the grocery store and Walmart I wear my face mask and sanitize my hands after shopping before getting back into the car. So I think I'm taking the necessary precautions.
Today though, is a difficult day. I'm feeling very isolated and very alone. I feel like I'm never going to see anyone in person again. Even as an introvert I'm finding this isolation nearing intolerable. I miss seeing and interacting with my students and colleagues. I miss down and talking to Sean face to face. I miss my monthly luncheon dates with my cousin. And I miss my small social circle of friends.
Today I'm living in a space of fear and sadness. I'm afraid I'm never going to see anyone ever again. I'm afraid of getting sick and not being able to take care of my animals or myself. I'm afraid that if I need help, people will see how much of a struggle life is for me. I fear criticism if people saw/knew what horrible conditions I live in. My property is neglected. My house is over 100 years old and falling apart. I fear blame for how my life is. And I feel helpless to conquer that fear.
Rejection
As I sift through emotions and memories, one word keeps popping up. Rejection. It's strange that you can go through a lifetime harbouring emotions that you don't recognize, but which shape your choices and reactions in so many ways. Emotions that shape your core beliefs and core beliefs which in turn, drive your emotions and reactions. Each one contributing to the other in a seemingly endless and impenetrable loop.
But where does this feeling of rejection originate? Why is it so pervasive? We all experience rejection in life. That's normal and impossible to avoid. So why am I less resilient to it? Why does it have such a hold on me?
I think my parents were emotionally distant. My dad was definitely uncomfortable with public displays of affection and lacked the ability to show comfort. My mother was incapable of empathy. Their own life experiences left them ill equipped to deal with adversity and fate served them a life filled with struggles and uncertainty. They were poor candidates to become parents, to be caregivers and nurturers of developing minds, and yet parents they became. In their defense, they lived in an era when having kids was just something everyone did. The 'norm' was to get married and have kids. Whether or not one 'should' have children was not part of the equation. It was just the expected chain of events. No one thought in terms of raising mentally well adjusted children into adulthood. The goal was keep them alive and healthy. No one thought about how their parenting skills would positively or negatively affect the outcome of their children's lives. I remember that these things were just starting to be talked about when I was about 'tween' age, and I remember my mother commenting on the 'hogwash'.
My parents didn't teach us how to be resilient to life's challenges. They didn't help us to work through emotions or understand why we felt what we felt, or that it was okay to 'feel'. They didn't teach us how to overcome adversity. Nor did they model these things. I can't speak for my sister, but I struggled with no support system to teach me how to navigate my way through life. I was constantly put in compromising situations and expected to just figure things out. And when I couldn't cope, I was ridiculed and criticized. I wasn't physically abandoned in childhood, but I was emotionally abandoned. I didn't have the emotional support that a child needs from her parents.
My fear and feelings of rejections are hard wired into my being. Rejection was infused into all areas of my life.
While I wasn't physically abandoned, I was physically rejected. My mothers constant criticism of my body and physical attributes was a rejection of the physical me. Too fat. Too thin. Too flat chested. Unattractive space between my teeth. Hair too straight. Too fine. Too curly. Too oily. Skin too oily. Too much acne. Eye brows too man-ish. And then when plucked … to thin. Foot arches to flat. Butt not flat enough. In dance, don't kick leg high enough (not as high as so 'n so). And as a teenager when I had acne on my shoulders I was told never to go sleeveless because the acne was ugly and looked diseased and I was going to unattractive scars for the rest of my life. Too much make up. Not enough make up. Wrong colours of make up. Hairstyle not flattering. Not pretty enough.
Her constant criticism of my behavior was a rejection of my social self. Don't smile enough. Don't walk enough like a dancer. Laugh like a hyena but then criticized for not laughing enough. Not lady like enough. Talk too much. Don't talk enough. Too shy. Not pushy enough. Not confident enough. Not outgoing enough.
Her criticism of my choices of clothes was a rejection of my sense of style. Wrong neckline. Wrong sleeve style. Wrong colours (she said green made my skin look green) Was told that I couldn't wear horizontal stripes because they made me look fat. The wrong neckline was tied into the physical me because she said (referring to crew necks), "you can't wear that neckline because you have a thick neck like your father." Skirt lengths either too long or too short; to full or not full enough. Even shoes were never quite right. Running shoes were a big issue when I first started wearing them. They are unbecoming of girls > only tomboys wore running shoes. Heels too high or too low; or design made my calves look fat. There was always 'something' wrong. Even with some of the really amazing outfits (and dance costumes) she made for me, she would acknowledge that the outfit looked good but never said "you " look good in that outfit. On the contrary, there would usually be something that I was doing to make the outfit look bad …. to not show it off at its best. It was all about how her 'designs' and expertise were applauded.
But worse than all of that was the emotional rejection that I endured. We all need to feel emotionally connected to someone. We need to feel that we matter. That what we 'feel' matters. We all need to experience empathy. We need to feel safe. We need to feel loved. I felt none of these things. I still don't feel these things. I felt separated. Alone within a family structure. I was anxious and fearful of almost everything and everyone. I had no confidante. As a 'person' I was invisible. I was a pawn in my mothers dreams of what she wanted her girls to be.
When your feelings are dismissed ….. it's rejection.
When your ideas are dismissed ….. it's rejection.
Fear of not being good enough is fear of rejection.
And not being / feeling loved by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally ….. that's the worst rejection of all.
Growing up I felt that my parents were mostly annoyed by us children. The most attention we got was when they were finding fault with us or were just irritated and took it out on us. My dad would yell for everyone to just shut up. His approach was he didn't want to hear it . He worked hard all day and didn't want to come home to conflict. My mom would assault me with her words. Tensions were often rife. Neither of my parents ever told us that they loved us. I don't recall any physical affection shown to us. Nor between them. It was like we were just a responsibility. Sure there were happy times but they were overshadowed by a sense of ambivalence.
I've often wondered throughout my life ……. at what point did my mother stop loving me?
Shortly after my dad died, a relative commented to me, "your mother loved you". I'm not really sure how the comment was part of the conversation but I felt like it was meant as an offering to make me feel better, as opposed to a statement of truth. It was weird. And it actually made me feel worse because if she did love me, she never showed it or said it. She made me feel worthless.
To this day I feel incapable of inspiring love or affection. I can't find words to describe what that feels like.
The World Health Organization declared covid 19 an official pandemic on March 20, 2020. That makes today 47 days.
I'm feeling really tired and without energy today. My left knee, both elbows, and right wrist are still sore/strained from the goat attack thirteen days ago. My core still feels battered and I'm still feeling the effects of having been so winded and out of breath from the attack.
Sunday was a beautiful sunny warm day but the weather has turned cold again. The news today said that it's the coldest May 4th in fifteen years! I have things to be grateful for and I do a gratitude inventory everyday to keep those positives alive in my mind. Yesterday I collected a donation of dog food that will feed my dogs for ten days. Prior to this, my amazing vet donated ten bags of dog food to my canines. Friends and family have helped me financially with large unexpected expenses, and I got the pandemic relief programs > CERB and the six month mortgage deferral
So why am I sad?
I'm feeling sad and weepy today. I feel like this covid 19 is going to last forever. Like life will never return to normal. I feel like I'll never see my friends/family again.. I feel like I'll never see Sean and speak face to face again. We chat weekly by telephone but it's not the same as in person conversation. As time goes on I'm feeling more at risk rather than less at risk when I go out. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed when I go shopping. Panic is an unwelcome companion. The laundry is piling up and a trip to the laundromat is needed, but I keep putting it off. Worried about (a) social distancing, and (b) being judged/criticized for being out in public. I bought two face masks and ordered three more so that I have some protection for when in public. I still feel a little awkward wearing a mask as there are still many more people not wearing masks than wearing them. I feel like the non-mask wearers are looking at the mask wearers and thinking we are over reacting. But I also feel that going mask free opens me up to criticism for being out in public. Stay At Home is the ordinance, with the unspoken caveat *as much as possible*, because we all need to go out for groceries at least once a week. I suppose there are people who have the financial ability and storage/freezer space to stock up for a few weeks at a time; or who live where 100% online shopping/delivery can be done. But there are a lot of folks like me who don't have the storage or freezer space to stockpile weeks of food and /or don't live in areas where home delivery is an option; or who don't have credit cards necessary for online shopping. Canada Post and FedEx deliver to where I am but we are too far out of town for things such as Skip The Dishes or other food delivery services. I have a very small fridge with a very small freezer so I need to buy perishables on a weekly basis. I need to buy drinking water for myself and the dogs/cats. That requires me to go out to the self serve refill station once very three days. I go at night to avoid exposure to other people and I wipe down/sanitize the door handles and the control panel before touching them; and I sanitize my hands before getting back into my car. At the grocery store and Walmart I wear my face mask and sanitize my hands after shopping before getting back into the car. So I think I'm taking the necessary precautions.
Today though, is a difficult day. I'm feeling very isolated and very alone. I feel like I'm never going to see anyone in person again. Even as an introvert I'm finding this isolation nearing intolerable. I miss seeing and interacting with my students and colleagues. I miss down and talking to Sean face to face. I miss my monthly luncheon dates with my cousin. And I miss my small social circle of friends.
Today I'm living in a space of fear and sadness. I'm afraid I'm never going to see anyone ever again. I'm afraid of getting sick and not being able to take care of my animals or myself. I'm afraid that if I need help, people will see how much of a struggle life is for me. I fear criticism if people saw/knew what horrible conditions I live in. My property is neglected. My house is over 100 years old and falling apart. I fear blame for how my life is. And I feel helpless to conquer that fear.
Rejection
As I sift through emotions and memories, one word keeps popping up. Rejection. It's strange that you can go through a lifetime harbouring emotions that you don't recognize, but which shape your choices and reactions in so many ways. Emotions that shape your core beliefs and core beliefs which in turn, drive your emotions and reactions. Each one contributing to the other in a seemingly endless and impenetrable loop.
But where does this feeling of rejection originate? Why is it so pervasive? We all experience rejection in life. That's normal and impossible to avoid. So why am I less resilient to it? Why does it have such a hold on me?
I think my parents were emotionally distant. My dad was definitely uncomfortable with public displays of affection and lacked the ability to show comfort. My mother was incapable of empathy. Their own life experiences left them ill equipped to deal with adversity and fate served them a life filled with struggles and uncertainty. They were poor candidates to become parents, to be caregivers and nurturers of developing minds, and yet parents they became. In their defense, they lived in an era when having kids was just something everyone did. The 'norm' was to get married and have kids. Whether or not one 'should' have children was not part of the equation. It was just the expected chain of events. No one thought in terms of raising mentally well adjusted children into adulthood. The goal was keep them alive and healthy. No one thought about how their parenting skills would positively or negatively affect the outcome of their children's lives. I remember that these things were just starting to be talked about when I was about 'tween' age, and I remember my mother commenting on the 'hogwash'.
My parents didn't teach us how to be resilient to life's challenges. They didn't help us to work through emotions or understand why we felt what we felt, or that it was okay to 'feel'. They didn't teach us how to overcome adversity. Nor did they model these things. I can't speak for my sister, but I struggled with no support system to teach me how to navigate my way through life. I was constantly put in compromising situations and expected to just figure things out. And when I couldn't cope, I was ridiculed and criticized. I wasn't physically abandoned in childhood, but I was emotionally abandoned. I didn't have the emotional support that a child needs from her parents.
My fear and feelings of rejections are hard wired into my being. Rejection was infused into all areas of my life.
While I wasn't physically abandoned, I was physically rejected. My mothers constant criticism of my body and physical attributes was a rejection of the physical me. Too fat. Too thin. Too flat chested. Unattractive space between my teeth. Hair too straight. Too fine. Too curly. Too oily. Skin too oily. Too much acne. Eye brows too man-ish. And then when plucked … to thin. Foot arches to flat. Butt not flat enough. In dance, don't kick leg high enough (not as high as so 'n so). And as a teenager when I had acne on my shoulders I was told never to go sleeveless because the acne was ugly and looked diseased and I was going to unattractive scars for the rest of my life. Too much make up. Not enough make up. Wrong colours of make up. Hairstyle not flattering. Not pretty enough.
Her constant criticism of my behavior was a rejection of my social self. Don't smile enough. Don't walk enough like a dancer. Laugh like a hyena but then criticized for not laughing enough. Not lady like enough. Talk too much. Don't talk enough. Too shy. Not pushy enough. Not confident enough. Not outgoing enough.
Her criticism of my choices of clothes was a rejection of my sense of style. Wrong neckline. Wrong sleeve style. Wrong colours (she said green made my skin look green) Was told that I couldn't wear horizontal stripes because they made me look fat. The wrong neckline was tied into the physical me because she said (referring to crew necks), "you can't wear that neckline because you have a thick neck like your father." Skirt lengths either too long or too short; to full or not full enough. Even shoes were never quite right. Running shoes were a big issue when I first started wearing them. They are unbecoming of girls > only tomboys wore running shoes. Heels too high or too low; or design made my calves look fat. There was always 'something' wrong. Even with some of the really amazing outfits (and dance costumes) she made for me, she would acknowledge that the outfit looked good but never said "you " look good in that outfit. On the contrary, there would usually be something that I was doing to make the outfit look bad …. to not show it off at its best. It was all about how her 'designs' and expertise were applauded.
But worse than all of that was the emotional rejection that I endured. We all need to feel emotionally connected to someone. We need to feel that we matter. That what we 'feel' matters. We all need to experience empathy. We need to feel safe. We need to feel loved. I felt none of these things. I still don't feel these things. I felt separated. Alone within a family structure. I was anxious and fearful of almost everything and everyone. I had no confidante. As a 'person' I was invisible. I was a pawn in my mothers dreams of what she wanted her girls to be.
When your feelings are dismissed ….. it's rejection.
When your ideas are dismissed ….. it's rejection.
Fear of not being good enough is fear of rejection.
And not being / feeling loved by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally ….. that's the worst rejection of all.
Growing up I felt that my parents were mostly annoyed by us children. The most attention we got was when they were finding fault with us or were just irritated and took it out on us. My dad would yell for everyone to just shut up. His approach was he didn't want to hear it . He worked hard all day and didn't want to come home to conflict. My mom would assault me with her words. Tensions were often rife. Neither of my parents ever told us that they loved us. I don't recall any physical affection shown to us. Nor between them. It was like we were just a responsibility. Sure there were happy times but they were overshadowed by a sense of ambivalence.
I've often wondered throughout my life ……. at what point did my mother stop loving me?
Shortly after my dad died, a relative commented to me, "your mother loved you". I'm not really sure how the comment was part of the conversation but I felt like it was meant as an offering to make me feel better, as opposed to a statement of truth. It was weird. And it actually made me feel worse because if she did love me, she never showed it or said it. She made me feel worthless.
To this day I feel incapable of inspiring love or affection. I can't find words to describe what that feels like.
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