Bizzaro Dream!

It took place at this house. My mother was in the dream even though she never lived at this location. There were four vehicles parked/stopped on the road at the end of my driveway. A black pick up truck. A black SUV. And two other non-descript vehicles. There were men in the cars and standing outside the cars, chatting. Mum was sitting out the front of the house (in a yard area that is not part of this property landscape). I was inside and looked out the window to see who was at the end of the property. Then I went outside to where my mom was and I ask who are these people and why are they stopped by our property.   

   I guess this is a good time to mention that in 'real life' (aka waking hours) I am freaked out if anyone comes on the property, or turns their vehicle around in my driveway, or stops on the road anywhere along my property line.

Then a bylaw car came by and drove up the driveway. And immediately I feel fearful. I go around the side of the house so as not to be seen. I say to my mother I'm deeking out our of sight so no one will be home to answer the door. Then the bylaw car leaves and I go to the front door to see if they left a note. The house is quiet. No dogs barking. I go inside. Then the dream flips and now Mum is inside and saying that Mr. So 'n So (a busy body from where we lived up north ... I can see his face but can't recall his name), has degrees in [I can't remember what] and he said the bylaw guys were here because of carrots that I'd bought. Then there were three giant carrots and I say I'll feed them to the horses tonight so there will be no carrots if the bylaw guy comes back.

I have no idea what that dream means!! Other than maybe it was reliving the trauma of the crooked bylaw guy that harassed and threatened us when we lived up north.

Struggling

Before this pandemic started I was just starting to build my life back .... getting back to work ... starting to build a social life (lunch with friends and invitations to holiday gatherings ..... lunch with my cousin), and starting to venture into new social events (signed up for a Paint Your Pet workshop). And then it all came to a screeching stop with the pandemic shutdowns and restrictions. In an instant work was gone; social outings were gone; in person therapy was gone; trauma group was gone. Income was gone. What small sense of security I was starting to feel was annihilated. We all need a sense of purpose and connection and it was all gone in a heartbeat.

There are a lot of self help guru's and books teaching us that all we need to be happy is to find our 'purpose' in life. This can be emotionally debilitating for many of us who don't know what that singular purpose is. Sean and I talked about this last week. Few people have a singular purpose in life. Our 'purpose' can change as our interests change and /or as our life circumstances change.

I realize now that over the years I've had a variety of purposes which have served to repress memories and traumas, as a means to survival.

• Dance
• dog sports
• breeding border collies
• writing two dog training books
• dog training
• rescueing dogs

And then caring for and advocating for my dad.  Those purposes acted like a lid on a pressure cooker, and  when the final purpose expired ..... when my dad died ..... the lid came off the pot and decades of repressed emotions and memories exploded into my consciousness. I was lost and without purpose.

Connection .... real connection is something I've never felt. Sure there are superficial connections with friends, but true, deeply felt human connection has not featured in my life. The main feature has been that lifelong feeling of not fitting in anywhere ..... not 'belonging' anywhere.

Connecting The Dots

I just realized that the fear and experience of rejection that I feel also influences how I let myself be disrespected. When I captained my flyball team and would set the line ups someone would always say , “why don't we do ______”, and change my line ups. And I never stood up for my decisions. It was a double whammy. On the one hand my line ups were being rejected and on the other hand I didn't argue because I didn't want to subject someone else to feeling rejected. So I also carry the fear of making someone else feel rejected. When I organized disc dog competitions and would set the running order, someone would always reject my work and re-organize it to suit themselves. And I didn't argue because I didn't want to be the one doing the rejecting. And the same holds true with my dog sport performance team. I set the show and someone always changes it (which led to me letting them set the show themselves) ..... my plan is rejected and I let it go because I don't want to subject someone else to the pain of having their ideas rejected. 

This fear of rejection that permeates my being is a farther reaching net then I realized.

Joel Osteen

speaking on the subject of ones potential, uses the analogy of the Oak tree....

If you plant an oak tree seed in a two foot pot, that oak tree will never grow to what it was meant to be if left in that 2ft pot ..... not because there's something wrong with the seed, but because of the environment it's in.

This struck a chord in me. As the child of a narcissistic parent I was gas lighted into thinking there was something wrong with 'me'. I wasn't good enough to amount to much because “I” was somehow faulty, lacking, damaged.    

It's easy to have the analogy draw a parallel between the seed & me, and the pot representing the restrictions of my life. It's easy to say, “oh I get it”. To recognize that I need to break the symbolic pot in order to be free. To believe .... really believe that I'm not a faulty seed. Cognitively I understand. But on an emotional level it is not easy to accept. It's not easy to change the self image that's been tattooed on your soul. It sounds easy but it's unbelievably difficult.

Those core beliefs .... the voices of the past that have convinced us we're not good enough .... they shackle us and prevent us from achieving the things we want in life. And because as children, we have nothing to challenge what we're told, we simply adapt to surviving in that environment. 

If only it were as easy as saying, “I get it”.