Hating Myself I’m trying really hard not to hate myself. To find my worth. It’s complicated because when I’m teaching I feel confident and I know I’m good at what I do. But when I’m not actually in the moment of teaching, I’m haunted by feelings of inadequacy. It’s like some part of me feels like I’m a fraud and I’m afraid of being exposed as such. Maybe those are the “who do you think you are “ gremlins. But I’m also really insecure about how I look. I go along not thinking about how I look and I suppose feeling like I look okay, but then I either see myself in a mirror or a window, and I’m reminded that I look awful. I see a person that no one would ever be interested in. It’s so demoralizing and depressing. I’ve lived a lifetime of being body shamed. My mother and dance teachers body shamed me. And my mother body shamed other people too. She was always commenting on overweight people and what they were eating. “Look at that one stuffing her fac
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Feeling Down Today I’m feeling a bit down today. My uncle had a stroke earlier this week. Thankfully it was mild and he’s going to be okay. He’s at the RVH (Royal Victoria Hospital) in Barrie, in the specialized stroke rehabilitation unit. The hardest part for family are the covid restrictions regarding visitors. He is only allowed two family members per week and visiting time is limited, and has to be booked. Talking with my cousin about how stressed she is, “it’s killing me not being able to see him”, I’m reminded of my time with my own father on the many occasions he was hospitalized. I can’t imagine having been prohibited from visiting him daily The ‘not good enough’ gremlins are also after me today. {sigh} All my insecurities are at the surface. Too old, too unattractive, too fat, too poor for anyone to be interested in me. I start to feel okay about myself and then I get a flash of what I look like (either in my mind or in a mirror),
Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs I saw this graphic on facebook the other day. It was in a post talking about how many people (myself included) are beating themselves up for not getting enough done during this pandemic. With all our time off work and nothing to do, we feel like we should be making the most of all this free time. Finish projects we haven’t had time to finish. Learn a new skill. But for some of us, in fact many of us, that is not reality. My house is still a mess. I haven’t renovated my dogs kennel room yet. I haven’t trained any new skills. Heck, half the time I don’t even have the energy to write these entries! The post was saying don't beat yourself up ..... we are here (the circles on the graphic) Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that humans have rudimentary needs. These are represented at the bottom of the pyramid. These needs include things like food, water, shelter, sleep, etc. If these needs are met we are able to mo
Just Beyond Reach I think I’ve always felt like I’m striving for something just beyond my reach. As a dancer I don’t think I believed (felt) that I would “make it”. I’m not sure if I ever had a ‘goal’ in mind. I think dancing was just something I did. Like breathing. It’s just part of who you are and what you do. Yes, I wanted to good at it, and Yes, I worked very hard to hone my skills, but always feeling that good enough was just beyond my reach. Thinking back, I’m not sure I had and end game. Perhaps because it wasn’t my dream. It was what I was told I wanted to be. It was what was expected. There wasn’t any other choice. I was never encouraged to explore any other options for my life path. And as such, I always felt like a fish out of water. Without training or exposure to anything outside of dance, I was always out of the loop, struggling to understand and fit into social situations that I was forced into. And constantly critic
Introvert/Empath? I knew growing up that I was 'shy'. Later in life I realized that I was an introvert. And more recently I've been told that I'm an empath. It feels weird to wear that label. I mean I know what it means to show/feel empathy, or to be an empathetic person ….. but to "be" an empath? I thought that only happened on Star Trek! Of course, being me, I had to look into this empath business. I was surprised to discover how neatly the word empath described "me". For an empath who is subjected to trauma, especially childhood trauma, it's not just about the trauma of the thing(s) that happened to them, but also the trauma of not being seen. Wow. That screams me! For me it's not just about Liam and other assaults, and the way my mother treated me, it's about having gone through that pain and suffering thinking there was something wrong with 'me'. About no one 'seeing' me. No one saving me.
New Recurring Dream I've been having a new recurring dream. Well … the location is recurring. The dream takes place in the upper level of a building. There is a narrow staircase that leads up to a large empty room that is supposed to be either a dance studio or a dog training hall. It's never 100% clear which. The theme of the dream is also never 100% clear. I always wake up fuzzy on the details of the 'story' the dream is telling. But … it's always drenched with fear and a sense of danger. Last night it featured me trying to protect a small child from an imminent threat. Harley Dawg Harley Dawg came into my thoughts the other day. Harley was an American Bulldog and one of the most special of all the dogs I've owned. When I first met Harley I was not looking to adopt, but I couldn't get him out of my mind and had a dream in which Harley was an 'old' dog. He was only one year of age at the time so dreaming that he was with me as an
August 14, 2020 Feeling really physically drained today. I've have a dull pain in the left side of my back for a couple of days now. Today the left side of my abdomen is also experiencing a dull pain. I feel full despite not having eaten much, and seem to have a mild heartburn. I just took some Pepcid AC to hopefully get some relief. Overall I'm just feeling really drained. I have to drive to Toronto tonight and really don't feel up to it. But …. it's work and I need the money. One dog going home and one coming in. The need for boarding is slowly returning as covid 19 restrictions are gradually lifted and people begin to travel a bit. Violent Dream I was in a house > upstairs > and I hear a terrible fight between a man and woman. The man is yelling and he is beating the woman. He beats her to death. In the dream I'm scared. Terrified. I know that he knows that I know what happened. I over hear him talking to another woman (his wife
Grief and Losses My Uncle Danny in Australia died on Saturday. He was 92. I don't think there was a crisis incident leading up to his death, but his family were able to visit with him at the nursing home that morning. I'm not sure if they knew his demise was imminent. He passed away that afternoon. On Monday I was chatting with a co-worker and somehow our conversation found its way to talking about the last days of our parents lives. Her mother passed away about two months prior to my father. When her mother was admitted to hospital they didn't expect that she was going to pass away. Her father was called to come into the hospital at 2am one night, and when he got there he was informed that his wife had passed away. This kind of paralleled with my dads story. We (he and I) were not expecting him to die anytime soon. He was waiting for placement in long term care and we were talking in terms of day trips last summer. I was sure he had a few
Strange Dream Had a very strange dream this morning. I had taken two of the dogs to the humane society to be neutered. One of them was my border collie Flynn. I can't remember who the other one was. Interestingly, the building in the dream is one I've dreamt about before. It's not the Hamilton/Burlington SPCA where I used to work. And it's not the Oakville/Milton Humane Society where I have friends. I'm not sure what the template is fashioned after but based on the human characters in the dream, I think this dream scenario was supposed to be OMHS. I was picking the boys up after their surgeries and was told they were still groggy and were, “talking in their sleep”. I can't remember now what the one dog said, but Flynn looked directly at me and said, “Boy your mom is really mean”. A talking dog telling me my mother was mean. I fear I may be losing my sanity! I shared this with my cousin Louise … always a voice of reason …
Forgiveness/Acceptance What IS forgiveness? The general definition I've read is: a concious/deliberate decision to release feelings of anger or resentment towards someone who has harmed you, whether they deserve it or not. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, or to downplay or deny the seriousness of an offense committed against you. Nor does it mean condoning or excusing the offenders actions. Forgiveness involves being able to let go of deeply ingrained negative feelings, such that you are able to acknowledge the offense and emotional pain suffered, without being defined by the experience. Based on this definition, I'm not there yet. And I'm not sure how to get there. I still feel resentment and a modicum of anger. I still feel cheated and a profound sense of loss/longing for a happy childhood that was denied me; and the subsequent loss of a well adjusted, happy life to date. I feel a sadness , a longing, for what might have been. What c