Just Beyond Reach

I think I’ve always felt like I’m striving for something just beyond my reach.   As a dancer I don’t think I believed (felt) that I would  “make it”.    I’m not sure if I ever had a ‘goal’ in mind.   I think dancing was just something I did.   Like breathing.  It’s just part of who you are and what you do.    Yes, I wanted to good at it, and Yes, I worked very hard to hone my skills, but always feeling that good enough was just beyond my reach.  Thinking back, I’m not sure I had and end game.   Perhaps because it wasn’t my dream.   It was what I was told I wanted to be.   It was what was expected.   There wasn’t any other choice.   I was never encouraged to explore any other options for my life path.   And as such, I always felt like a fish out of water.   Without training or exposure to anything outside of dance, I was always out of the loop,  struggling to understand and fit into social situations that I was forced into.   And constantly criticized for not being able to blend in.   I was naïve and stupid.   I wasn’t taught about life or how to function in the world.   I didn’t have any brothers and went to an all girls school run by nuns, so I knew nothing about boys.    And we were never taught about the “birds and the bees”.   I had to figure that out on my own.

I wasn’t encouraged to dream of a future.   Anytime anyone was overheard speaking of a lofty or ambitious goal,  my mother would say it was a “pipe dream”,  and so I learned young not to wish for anything that might be beyond my reach for fear of being accused of indulging in a pipe dream.   A pipe dream is a delusion or a fanciful hope or plan.  

I heard Joel Osteen say that God wants us to dream big dreams and pray bold prayers.   That is not the God I was told about when growing up.   Wanting more was a sin because there are people worse off in the world.   Being prideful was also a sin, so even if you were blessed with good fortune you couldn’t openly enjoy it.   Any outward show of enjoyment was considered to be flaunting and prideful.    I wonder if this is why I feel so uncomfortable with any kind of recognition?   I think I’ve mentioned before about always sending another team member to accept our flyball ribbons.  Even though we earned them by winning races, I was never comfortable accepting the awards.   No matter what the competition dog sport I was involved in,

 I was always uncomfortable accepting awards.  

It’s probably also the reason I’m afraid to take chances …… to dream big dreams,  or pray bold prayers.   Everything feels just out of reach.   Failure is paralyzing for me.    Indeed the very thought of failure has prevented me from taking risks in life.  Although as I write this I’m wondering if perhaps there’s another side to that coin.  I wonder if the prospect of success is also somewhat paralyzing because it brings that oh so contradictory feeling of being happy on the one side, and fearing being perceived of being prideful on the other.   It’s a no win situation.   I just today finally sent my horse/dog show pitch letter and felt nauseous immediately after hitting ‘send’.   It’s that niggling little voice that says, “your dream is unattainable”  …..  “no one will be interested”.     Fear of rejection is always sitting on my shoulder.   Acceptance/fitting in,  is something I crave ,  perhaps because I’ve never felt accepted.  Again, it feels just beyond my reach.   Good enough feels just beyond my reach.