Hating Myself

I’m trying really hard not to hate myself.  To find my worth.  It’s complicated because when I’m teaching I feel confident and I know I’m good at what I do.  But when I’m not actually in the moment of teaching, I’m haunted by feelings of inadequacy.   It’s like some part of me feels like I’m a fraud and I’m afraid of being exposed as such.  Maybe those are the “who do you think you are “  gremlins.   But I’m also really insecure about how I look.  I go along not thinking about how I look and I suppose feeling like I look okay, but then I either see myself in a mirror or a window, and I’m reminded that I look awful.  I see a person that no one would ever be interested in.  It’s so demoralizing and depressing.   I’ve lived a lifetime of being body shamed.  My mother and dance teachers body shamed me.   And my mother body shamed other people too.  She was always commenting on overweight people and what they were eating.   “Look at that one stuffing her face, no wonder she’s so fat”.   And the strange thing was, my mother was herself overweight and always on some kind of diet.

But it goes deeper than just my confidence about my ability to do what I do,  or they way I look.   I can’t find my worth as a human being.  I don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone.  I don’t feel like I’m much as a person.   My mother defined me before I had a chance to define myself.   I didn’t know that I had a voice ….. didn’t know there was a voice to find.   My “self” was just beaten down by the belief that I was somehow not enough.