Forgiveness/Acceptance

What IS forgiveness? The general definition I've read is: a concious/deliberate decision to release feelings of anger or resentment towards someone who has harmed you, whether they deserve it or not.

Forgiveness does not mean to forget, or to downplay or deny the seriousness of an offense committed against you. Nor does it mean condoning or excusing the offenders actions. Forgiveness involves being able to let go of deeply ingrained negative feelings, such that you are able to acknowledge the offense and emotional pain suffered, without being defined by the experience.

Based on this definition, I'm not there yet. And I'm not sure how to get there. I still feel resentment and a modicum of anger. I still feel cheated and a profound sense of loss/longing for a happy childhood that was denied me; and the subsequent loss of a well adjusted, happy life to date. I feel a sadness , a longing, for what might have been.

What could have been , if only ….......

And a sadness for what I feel can never be , because of ......................

Is this sadness grief? If so, how do I process it? Is it possible to suffer multiple levels of unprocessed grief? I've experienced a lot of losses in my life. My sister died. My cousin died. My mother died. My uncle died. My aunt died. My dad died. These were all people I knew. There were other losses of family members that I only knew of. And I've lost countless pets over the years (due to having multiple pets). When my sister died we (my dad and I) had to 'get on with it' and not show signs of sadness. We had to be strong in order not to burden my mother with our sadness. When my mother died I felt I had to be strong for my father. When my animals die I feel I have to soldier on for those that are left behind. I can't let my grief negatively impact another person or animal in my care.

When my dad died there was no one left to be strong for, and I fell apart. I feel a little bit like Humpty Dumpty > all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again. I still feel broken. Maybe a little less broken, but still, broken.

Forgiveness. Grief. Are these feelings(?) somehow connected ?

What about acceptance? Somehow I think it's more than simply 'not denying' what is. But was IS acceptance? I mean, I can acknowledge that what happened to me in the past, happened. I don't deny that it happened. But is that the same as acceptance? I've read a lot about what acceptance is not > it's not 'getting over it'; it doesn't mean downplaying how you feel about something or how it affected you; it doesn't mean putting up with a harmful situation; and it doesn't mean skipping over or minimizing grief.

But what IS acceptance? Again, what is, is. What happened, happened. What happening in the here and now , is happening. These things can't be denied. We have no choice but to accept. And yet, I still feel unsure as to what acceptance IS.

I watched a video clip of Oprah Winfrey in which she was talking about forgiveness. She said forgiveness (acceptance?) is giving up the hope that the past could have been different. That forgiveness means accepting that what HAS happened to you ; not accepting that it was okay for it to happen , but accepting that it HAS happened. Letting go so that the past does not hold you prisoner.

And I'm still confused. Maybe acceptance means finding peace with what has happened in my life. Maybe I don't get it because I'm not there yet. Maybe deep down I'm still holding onto the 'wish' that things could have been different. Holding on to all the hurt and disappointments.

Perhaps grief, forgiveness, and acceptance are an intertwined three step process.