Introvert/Empath?

I knew growing up that I was 'shy'.   Later in life I realized that I was an introvert.   And more recently I've been told that I'm an empath.   It feels weird to wear that label.   I mean I know what it means to show/feel empathy,  or to be an empathetic person ….. but to "be" an empath?    I thought that only happened on Star Trek!    Of course,  being me,  I had to look into this empath business.   I was  surprised to discover how neatly the word empath described "me".

For an empath who is subjected to trauma, especially childhood trauma, it's not just about the trauma of the thing(s) that happened to them, but also the trauma of not being seen.   Wow.   That screams me!  For me it's not just about Liam and other assaults, and the way my mother treated me,  it's about having gone through that pain and suffering thinking there was something wrong with 'me'.  About no one 'seeing' me.  No one saving me.  No one to say,  "hey ,  there's nothing wrong with you,  it's something missing in your environment."    What was missing from my environment was an empathetic mother who could nurture and understand and guide a young sensitive child.    I recently watched the movie,  'A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood',  the story of Mr. Rogers,  and there is a clip from an interview he did with Oprah years back.   When Oprah asked him,  "what's the biggest mistake parents make",  he replied,  "not to remember their own childhood.  I think that's the best thing that we can do is to think about what it was like for us and know what our children are going through."   That quote hit me like a ton of bricks.   I wish every parent alive could hear  (or read) that quote.   Remember  what it was like to be a child.  Remember the challenges.  Remember what it felt like.   And look at your child through that lens.

My mother told  (coerced)  me to do  ______;  to wear  _______;  to be  ________.   That consistent criticism and lack of autonomy became an ongoing trauma that made me feel that I wasn't okay as who I was.   I had to be someone else in order to be good enough.   Who I was ….. just me ….. wasn't enough.   I was always trying to live up to an image of a better me,  whatever that was.  I didn't know  (and still don't know) who or what that "better" version of me was/is.   I only knew that this version wasn't good enough.   And that feeling still haunts me today.

I read that traumatized people pass that trauma on to other people.   And that empathic children can take on the anxieties of their parents.   I guess I got a double whammy there.   My mothers childhood was horribly traumatic and she had the additional trauma of multiple health issues as an adult.  My father also experienced trauma as a child.   His mother died when he was 12yrs old and then he was sent to a foster family at 13yrs of age as part of the evacuation of women/children to rural areas to keep them safe from German bombs during the war.    He also served in World War II which was its own trauma.    Both of my parents would have experienced a great deal of anxiety trying to raise a family and make ends meet.  The constant struggle to "be enough" dominated our family dynamic.

Being an introvert,  and dare I add/own  'empath'  is a lonely and challenging existence.   It an be emotionally exhausting until you learn to suppress those emotions in order to survive in a world where your 'sensitivity' is not welcomed.    (and that ultimately leads to the breakdown I'm recovering from now).   Being an introvert means not being a social butterfly.   Add in the core belief that you're not good enough and that leads to a lonely life.   Being constantly belittled for being an introvert, makes life challenging.

For many years now I've been prone to fatigue and exhaustion.   I've read that boundaries are important for empathic people.   (hmmm.... boundaries … seems I've heard that before)   Being able to say "no" to thing and not take on too much.   This is still a challenge for me.   That feeling of letting someone down if I say no is really difficult for me to ignore.   But ignore it I must,  or I will falter and take on too much.

According to my reading, the exhaustion I feel after any social interaction is also part of being an 'introverted empath'.   I need time to decompress an get back into my own space and recover.

Speaking of [Mental] Exhaustion     (August 19, 2020)

The past couple of weeks have been fraught with computer problems.   First it was the chewed cord on the hub.   Since then the laptop has been running slower than molasses.   I've been unable to conncect to  OTN  (Ontario Telehealth Network) for my sessions with Sean.   And then,  mercilessly, the laptop died, leaving me without access to all my documents or the internet.   You don't realize how internet dependent you are until you are without it!   Aside from the issue of money (cost of new laptop) being a stressor,   I was also finally ready to send my horse/dog show pitch letter and was now unable to do so.    It's taken me months to summon the courage, and risk possible rejection.   And now the computers demise has rendered me once again unsure of my proposal and reconsidering the advisability of sending it.

With the need to purchase a new laptop being a "no choice" expense,  I went to Walmart and bought a Chromebook laptop.   I did consider buying a second hand device but that's what  I just a few short months ago and alas,  that computer was not worth the savig as it did not last.   After purchasing the Chromebook I took it to the local computer service store to have my files and documents transferred from the old laptop.   I was feeling confident that my computer problem was solved and I'd be back in business asap.    That was until .... the technician called me to say that the Chromebook did not have enough storage to accommodate my files and he had to transfer my data to a USB stick instead.   He also told me that the Chromebook was not Windows compatable and therefore would not allow me to run the programs I needed it to - such as Zoom.    I need to be able to access OTN for the trauma group sessions and if I can't access Zoom,  OTN will not be accessible either.   So basically the Chromebook was useless to me.

Cue panic and anxiety.

Cue feeling stupid for not knowing enough about computers to know the difference between a Chromebook and a real laptop.   I'd spent over $300 on a device that was no good to me.  And I didn't know if it was returnable,  since with covid 19 restrictions a lot of things are not accepted for return.   I called Walmart and fortunately they were willing to exchange the Chromebook,  so last night I went back to the store,  spoke with a very nice and seemingly knowledgeable associate who asked me what I needed from a computer,  and suggested an affordable laptop with Windows 10.   And that brings me to the title of this entry ...... mental exhaustion.

Despite my eagerness  to be back online and able to access my documents and email,  I find I haven't the mental energy to do so.   The new laptop is sitting on my desk,  still in the box, waiting to be set up.   And I can't find the motivation or focus necessary to set the darn thing up.   It's like the ordeal of this computer drama has caught up with me and left me completely drained.   This is the challenge of this depression, anxiety, and trauma recovery.   Simple things that would be no big deal for 'normal' people, completely wipe me out.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to face the task of setting up the new laptop and transferring my data on to it.

One Task     (August 21, 2020)

The daily basic care of the animals is a given,  so whenever I speak about tasks  and/or not getting thing done, it does not apply to the are of the animals.    It's all the other stuff that needs to be done.

So ….. why is it that a simple task can wipe me out?   When will I be able to accomplish more than one task per day?     Today I went to the laundromat and I'm feeling exhausted. Just the thought of tackling another task is overwhelming.   I won't even get the laundry out of the car and into the house to put away today.    I suppose I could say I'm tackling two tasks today because I'm writing this entry.  Who knows though, when I will get it transcribed to the computer.   Of course,  that requires that I set up the new laptop …. which will not be today.   I find I'm without the energy to tackle that task.

And once again I tell myself  ……. perhaps tomorrow …….