Counselling There was a time about two years before my dad died when I felt that I was losing my grip. I knew I was slipping. I didn’t really know what was going on. I didn’t know that anxiety, depression, and complex trauma were things that affected me. I’d never even heard of complex trauma and had never thought of the word trauma with regards to myself. But I felt that I was losing control of my emotions. They were closer to the surface. Again it was the lack of privacy, and no social life, and the stress of worrying about my father and the fear of losing him …… it was getting to me. Add to that the fact that I had no boundaries so people took advantage of me all the time , and the burden was getting heavy. One day I noticed that a counselling business had opened up in Waterford, the little town close to us. I ...
Posts
Wanting To Die This isn’t about suicide per se, but I remember times growing up when something had triggered a complete emotional breakdown and I would be in my bedroom, face down on the bed sobbing into a pillow. I had to hide my tears. I knew from experience that crying was not met with empathy or compassion but rather, with aggression. So I cried alone. And crying alone, trying to not be discovered, made it worse and more painful. Sobbing those uncontrollable tears that come from the gut … from the very core of your being. The kind of sobbing that leaves you physically weak. It’s an actual pain. You feel in it your chest. It’s not like heart pain. It’s something else from deep inside . It’s hard to explain. It feels like your very soul is being torn out of your body from s...
Core Beliefs > Unloveable/Unworthy We’re talking about our experiences in the trauma group, sharing ‘pieces’ of our stories as they relate to our core beliefs. My most prominent core belief is that I’m unloveable, which ties into feelings of being unworthy and not good enough. It seems that those of us who have experienced some kind of abuse often fall into relationships that mirror that same abuse. A common question that people ask themselves is, “why didn’t I see it coming?” , “why didn’t I see that [_x_] was just like so ‘n so?”. And my answer is , “why would we?” Our core beliefs are so ingrained, so much a part of our identity (even if we don’t realize it), that we don’t see the danger. We don’t recognize the pattern. We are drawn to what is familiar ….. what is our ‘normal’. This got me to thinking ab...
Stress Of Uncertainty The stress of finances, or lack thereof, is taking its toll. I'm feeling fearful and uneasy. It's been awhile since I've written anything here because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts. Even just holding onto them at times seems an impossible task. This session of classes brought in a decent amount of income. Almost $2500.00. Not a lot, but what 'should have' been enough to get me through the month. But then the mortgage came out. And hydro. And property taxes. And a hay delivery. And then there's food for myself and the animals. Gas to get to and from work. Rent for the training hall in Burlington. And then ..... an unexpected $500 car repair bill. And now the panic is back. I'm down to $200 in the bank and it's only the tenth of the month. The next session of c...
Happy/Sad I was enjoying watching the new tv show “I Can See Your Voice” last night when that sudden wave of sadness came over me. Dad would have loved this show. It would have been one of those shows we enjoyed together. It made me remember us watching Dancing With The Stars together and trying to guess which couple would be eliminated. I think he would have enjoyed this new singing show, trying to pick out the bad singers together. Re-Living Trauma Sometimes when talking about, or writing about past traumatic events, it feels like I’m re-living the trauma. I can feel the panic …. the fear. The shame? God I hate that word. It’s like remembering the trauma is traumatizing. I’m not sure if that makes sense. And sometimes current events that parallel to past events will feel like I’m experiencing the same traum...
Time Goes By At the beginning of this week I looked at the calendar and saw that the week was completely clear. No classes to teach (I only have two classes running on Sundays right now > still waiting for ODS to re-open). No dogs coming or going. Even therapy and the trauma group are off this week. And I thought, great, a whole week with no commitments, I’ll be able to get lots of stuff done. And here it is, Wednesday, and I’ve accomplished nothing. I don’t even know where the days have gone. It’s been a challenge just to get up each day. My mind is foggy and I feel that my cognizant ability is not online. I feel like I could sit and do nothing but cat nap all day. Where has my energy gone? Where has my passion gone? I can’t even remember what it feels like to be joyful. I woke up this morning feelin...
Reliving The Emotion Of A Traumatic Event I was watching a tv show called Crime Beat. The show is about high profile murder cases in Canada. This particular show was about an unsolved murder from ten years ago. Part way through the show I felt a wave of anxiety (?) wash over me. The victim was a single woman believed to be the victim of a targeted attack. It triggered the memory and fear/emotion I felt when I was stalked. This woman’s case is still open and unsolved after ten years. Ten years after my stalking the police called me to tell me that the case was still open. Maybe it was the ten years, we still don’t know who did this parallel that prompted the rush of emotion I felt while watching the show. Single woman. Targeted attack. Ten years unsolved. The only difference is I’m still alive. Knowing how close I came to...
Today’s Drama Sooooo …… today is Thursday. My mental health day and I can’t connect to OTN for the trauma group. When I click on “start eVisit” it takes me to a blank page. I tried re-starting the computer to see if that would help, but it didn’t. I downloaded Google Chrome browser but that didn’t remedy the problem either. Meanwhile the group has started and I’m not there. I spoke with Sean and he gave me a telephone number for OTN tech support. I’ve just spent over an hour with two different people trying to figure out why I can’t connect to OTN today. Conclusion? “Something” is blocking it from connecting. So basically no answer or solution. The fellow did manage to link me in for my private session with Sean, but wasn’t entirely sure if it would work. I’ll find out in about ten minutes. This experience has lef...
Not Enough Time I’m having that feeling of not enough time again. I think the pandemic is making it worse because it is stealing so much time from us. I’m struggling with that feeling of there not being enough time left to have a good life. Sean says these thoughts are coming from my core beliefs and it’s the core beliefs resisting change. The goal is to recognize that it’s the core beliefs and challenge them, which is hard to do because because they feel so real. I’ve mentioned before, the story of my border collie Molly whose years of life prior to me getting her were abusive and how I only had her for 2yrs before she died from an aggressive cancer. I bought Molly because no one loved her, and she needed someone to love her. I loved her. I was devastated by her death not only because it was so sudden and she was so young, but also because she didn’t live...