Stress Of Uncertainty

The stress of finances,  or lack thereof,  is taking its toll.   I'm feeling fearful and uneasy.   It's been awhile since I've written anything here because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts.   Even just holding onto them at times seems an impossible task.    This session of classes brought in a decent amount of income.  Almost $2500.00.   Not a lot, but what 'should have' been enough to get me through the month.   But then the mortgage came out.  And hydro.  And property taxes.   And a hay delivery.   And then there's food for myself and the animals.   Gas to get to and from work.   Rent for the training hall in Burlington.  And then ..... an unexpected $500 car repair bill.    And now the panic is back.   I'm down to $200 in the bank and it's only the tenth of the month.   The next session of classes doesn't begin until the twenty-third and we don't get paid right at the start of classes.   I need $140 per week to feed the dogs the cheapest food available.   $45 per month to feed the cats the cheapest food I can find for them.  And $100 per week for water.   And $50 per week for gas to get to and from work.    I don't have even one weeks worth of money in the bank.   How am I going to manage??   I have a one week reprieve on dog food purchases because I got a donation of dog food this past weekend from the owner of a pet food store who generously pays it forward.   It's food that has reached its expiry date on the label and therefore can't be sold,  but it's still good.    At this point I'm looking to start selling off my belongings. 

Two weeks ago I had a call to cast a dog or puppy for a television commercial.   I was so happy to have the opportunity to get back into wrangling and make some much needed money.   I was thanking the Universe for providing that extra income that I so desparately need.    I sent them several adorable puppies to choose from,  and discussed naughty behaviours we could capture.   And I found four amazing dogs that could do the  "pee"  trick that was scripted.   I allowed myself to get my hopes up.   And then they wrote the dog out of the commercial.   So no job.   No money.   Just a lot of wasted time.

It's so hard going out into the world  trying to act and look like everything is okay,  when the truth is that I'm drowning in debt,  living in a house that is falling apart and beyond repair,  and struggling with mental health issues,  trying to resolve trauma and overcome depression that has haunted me for decades.   It feeds into the core belief of feeling like a fraud and being afraid that people will find out that I'm a fraud,  unworthy of acceptance or inclusion.   It feeds into the core belief that I'm not good enough.   That I'm a failure.  That I'm undeserving.      I'm terrified of losing my home.   Losing my animals.     I need to reach the plateau of financial security in order to feel safe.   I need to be able to pay the bills and buy food and have a little bit left over for emergencies.   The struggle to deal with the depression and trauma are confounded by the financial struggle to survive.   The fear and panic are overwhelming.

Feels Good To Be Back To Work

Despite the lack of sufficient finances,  it does feel good to be back at work.   To be seeing people even if we have to stay six feet apart from one another,  and wear masks.   To have a purpose.  Somewhere to go.   Something to do.   And to be helping people.

Kind Words From A Friend

Despite the  "down"  and fear I'm feeling today,   I feel compelled to acknowledge some kind and encouraging words received from a friend last week.    She said that she noticed a difference in me.  She said that through my facebook posts,  my little infomercials for my classes,  and that I signed up for a socially distance Paint Night just for fun,  she feels I've turned a corner in my struggles with mental health.   She said she's seeing a more confident me.   And that I've begun to set healthy boundaries.  Something which she too has had to learn to do.   She said it's hard to explain but she just feels/sees that I've turned a corner and am on the road to reclaiming my life ...... a happier life.   And she felt it was important to tell me that because she knows that we can't always see it in ourselves.   I thanked her and told her I appreciated her telling me that, and also for sharing with me that she too had struggled.    It's good to know we are not alone.

Lots Of Lost Thoughts

I have many lost thoughts  from the past few weeks.    It's very frustrating to be processing a thought or emotion and then lose it before being able to write it down.    It's exhausting trying to recover those thought processes.   And demoralizing to feel so helpless to overcome the brain fog.   So in upcoming entries to this blog,  there may be some random thoughts that are out of chronological order, as I try to capture those lost ruminations.

Staff Meeting

We had a staff meeting at the dog school last weekend.    Overall it went well and everyone seemed to be on the same page.   My karate colours system was introduced to the staff members.   The training director had me explain the program,  saying to everyone that it was my brainchild and he was very excited to introduce it.    Basically the program taps into the karate school model of belt colours that represent different levels of training,  with the goal being to achieve a black belt.   It is a marketing strategy to encourage students to continue with training.   Tapping into the subconscious belief that you are not done until you complete all the levels.   Everyone whether involved in karate or not,  knows that a black belt is the coveted achievement.     For me it's important to keep the starter level colour and the expert level colour in sync with the karate model because people already know this ladder.   We don't have to sell them on a new  "ultimate achievement" colour ..... that psychological marketing is already in place.    The black belt is the desired prize.  The school has found someone to make collar sleeves to represent the belts.   At the completion of each level the dog would receive his  [colour] belt.   I managed to break the program into five levels so the dogs start at white belt which is the beginner colour in karate,  and progress through the other colours up to the black belt.    So as I'm explaining the model,  one of the new trainers says we should make the collar sleeves the colours of the rainbow because white and black are boring.    {Sigh}   She totally missed the marketing strategy.   While I think that sticking with karate colours is best,  I concede that we can make the colours anything we want as long as the LAST colour is BLACK.   The last collar has to be a black belt because that's what people understand.   In the moment,  everyone was ooh and aww and let's have pretty colours.    I don't know where this is going to go but now I feel I've been put in a position of having to address this with the head honcho.    I hate confrontation.   I feel very strongly that we MUST conform to the black belt or the program will not make any sense.   And I think it's important to call the collar sleeves 'belts',  because again,  it's about marketing and people understand the "belts" model.   So now I have to be "assertive" and that's really difficult for me.   I want this program to be successful.

A New President

Finally!  Trump will be gone!!!   As much as it pleases me that Trump lost the election,  it greatly saddened me that it was a close race.   It means half the country condones (or worse ... embraces) racism,  sexism,  white supremacy,  gun violence,  misogyny,  hatred for the LBGTQ community, religious bias,  and all the other atrocities that Trump represents.   And that is terrifying.   And even though I don't live in the U.S.  it frightens me for our country.   We have our share of these types of people.   They are predominantly in the shadows,  as were their U.S. counterparts before Trump emboldened them to step into the spotlight.    And that these prejudiced and hate filled people were given a voice and a platform to spew forth their vitriol;  that they were given power through the support of their President   .......  I fear that this might encourage and embolden those in our country.    And we don't need that.

Congratulations to President Elect Joe Biden and Vice President Elect Kamala Harris  ..... I hope they can bring decency back to their country.

Gah!  A Murder Dream

I haven't had a murder dream in awhile but last night they returned.   I dreamt I was as the water refill station.   As I pulled into the parking spot, another car pulled in beside me.    There was a man in the other car and I signaled him to go ahead of me as I had several bottles to refill.    He went in and started filling up little cups of water.   He'd fill a cup and then pour it into a bottle.    I thought,  "oh this is going to take forever,  I'll come back later".     And I started my car and pulled out.   At that point the man went crazy shouting things like,  "you think you can walk away from me?" ..... "you think you can get away?".    And then suddenly he was in his car chasing me and trying to run me off the road.   I had my cel phone and in a panic called 911 but they couldn't understand me.    I was screaming for help as this madman kept yelling about how he was going to get me,  and was chasing me with his car.   And then I woke up.

These dreams feel so real.   I wake up feeling terror.   And trembling.     I don't know what triggers them.