Counselling

 There was a time about two years before my dad died when I felt that I was losing my grip.   I knew I was slipping.   I didn’t really know what was going on.   I didn’t know that anxiety,  depression,  and complex trauma were things that affected me.  I’d never even heard of complex trauma and had never thought of the word trauma with regards to myself.   But I felt that I was losing control of my emotions.   They were closer to the surface.   Again it was the lack of privacy, and no social life, and the stress of worrying about my father  and the fear of losing him …… it was getting to me.   Add to that the fact that I had no boundaries so people took advantage of me all the time ,  and the burden was getting heavy.   One day I noticed that a counselling business had opened up in Waterford,  the little town close to us.   I saw their pamphlet in the pharmacy one day when I  was picking up my dads medications.  I remember looking at it and wondering if maybe this was something I should look into.   I think somewhere inside myself I knew I needed someone to talk to even though I had no clue why or what was going on with me.   I just felt,  “I think I need help”.     But I didn’t follow up on the thought because I couldn’t have done it privately.   My dad would know.   I couldn’t go anywhere without him so there was no way I could go for counselling without him knowing.   And I couldn’t let him know anything was wrong with me because I couldn’t burden him with worrying about me.   It was my job to take care of him.   I had to be strong for him.

So it seems that a couple of years before my breakdown,  I had a sense that something was wrong.    I just didn’t know what and wasn’t in a position to do anything about it.