Happy/Sad

 I was enjoying watching the new tv show “I Can See Your Voice” last night when that sudden wave of sadness came over me.   Dad would have loved this show.  It would have been one of those shows we enjoyed together.    It made me remember us watching Dancing With The Stars together and trying to guess which couple would be eliminated.  I think he would have enjoyed this new singing show,  trying to pick out the bad singers together.

  

Re-Living Trauma

Sometimes when talking about,  or writing about past traumatic events,  it feels like I’m re-living the trauma.  I can feel the panic …. the fear.   The shame?   God I hate that word.   It’s like remembering the trauma is traumatizing.   I’m not sure if that makes sense.    And sometimes current events that parallel to past events will feel like I’m experiencing the same trauma again.   I wonder if this ever goes away?

Panic

This morning there was a message from the owner of the dog school telling us that there was going to be another “significant” delay in the new building.   I almost burst into tears.   My body went into immediate panic mode ….. stomach turning,  heart pounding, feeling shaky,  and fear.     I’m feeling panic even with the school opening, worrying that there might not be high enough registrations to bring in enough money to make ends meet.   I have to start paying my mortgage again this month and right now I do not have the money.   I’ve been feeling very anxious and somewhat terrified lately.   The message went on to say that they will be putting up a large event tent with heating and lighting so that we can start classes as planned this coming Monday.    Hopefully registrations are high and income will be sufficient to get through the next month.   The uncertainty of this busines is very stressful.  We never know how many people are going to sign up for classes, and therefore never know what our income will be.   With the pandemic still in full swing I won’t have boarding clients to contribute to my income.   It’s like when Dad died all over again.   When Dad died I lost half my income  (as his pensions made up half of our household income and my work hours were limited due to having to be available 24/7 to care for Dad).     The bills were the same but the income was reduced by fifty percent.    Then I got hooked up with ODS as one of their trainers and was slowly getting back on track with two incomes …. Boarding and teaching.    Then covid-19 hit and all non-essential services were ordered to shut down.   At first they said two weeks, but it’s been six and a half months!    Fortunately our government created the Canadian Emergency Response Benefit which helped people to survive while out of work due to covid.   But the CERB has ended now.   People are still unable to travel much which means boarding dogs for income is very lean,  and this could go on for awhile yet.   So teaching will be my only source of income.   I’ve lost half my income again in not having the boarding dogs.    I can’t pay the mortgage and the bills on half my normal income.   I lost a ton of income this summer due to the fairs not running due to covid.    No shows this summer.   Another big loss of income.  So the reality right now is that teaching needs to make enough money for me to survive on it as my sole source of income.  And I’m terrified that it won’t be enough.