Core Beliefs  >  Unloveable/Unworthy

We’re talking about our experiences in the trauma group,  sharing ‘pieces’ of our stories as they relate to our core beliefs.   My most prominent core belief is that I’m unloveable,  which ties into feelings of being unworthy and not good enough.  

It seems that those of us who have experienced some kind of abuse often fall into relationships that mirror that same abuse.  A common question that people ask themselves is,  “why didn’t I see it coming?” ,  “why didn’t I see that [_x_] was just like so ‘n so?”.   And my answer is ,   “why would we?”    Our core beliefs are so ingrained,  so much a part of our identity  (even if we don’t realize it),  that we don’t see the danger.   We don’t recognize the pattern.   We are drawn to what is familiar ….. what is our ‘normal’.

This got me to thinking about my two serious relationships and why I didn’t see the narcissism in both men.    My core belief is that I’m unloveable.   That I’m unworthy.   That no one would be interested in me.   My mother never told me she loved me > I had never felt loved.   So when John (not real name) came along and was interested in me, I felt ‘wanted’.   I felt undeserving and unworthy so when someone was finally interested in me,  I was emotionally captured.   The narcissism was there although I didn’t know it.   The criticisms were there BUT the difference between my mothers abuse and Johns psychological abuse,  was that in between the degradation,  there was affection.   And I so desperately craved affection,  that I clung to it.    And the same pattern was repeated with  Jeff  (not real name).   Jeff was good looking and all the girls drooled over him and flirted with him,  but he picked me.   Looking back I realize how insecure and unworthy I felt.  How surprised I was to be the chosen one.  How the attraction was that he was interested in me …… lowly undeserving me.  His constant flirting with other girls,  and even my mother;  and the constant fear of rejection kept me in that unhealthy relationship.    Again,  that desperate need for affection overrode any sensibility with regards to the toxic nature of the relationship.    And in the end he did reject me  (along with everyone in our circle of friends) which further solidified my core belief that I was not good enough …. unloveable …… unworthy.   It’s only now that I can see that his behaviour spoke to his character,  not mine.

 

Feeling Really Down Today

I’m feeling really down today.   Lay in bed for a couple of hours after waking up.   My back is really hurting so that is not helping.   Back pain has been a companion of mine for a few decades now,  so nothing new although in recent years it has been less of a problem.   I’m not sure what I did to set this off but it’s bad.   But that’s not the cause of my sense of depression.   I think I’m feeling overwhelmed in the world right now.  Emotions are surfacing and half the time I don’t even know what they are or what triggered them.    I have a great deal of anxiety surrounding finances and how there never seems to be enough money to get by.   And there’s no real security in being self employed > I never know how much money will be coming in,  or when.   Even with teaching for the dog school,  until a session starts I don’t know how many people are in the classes and therefore what my income will be.   We trainers are paid on a percentage basis.  We get 60% of what our classes bring in.    Right now ….. today ….. I’m rationing food for myself and the critters because if we run out before the CRB  (Canadian Recovery Benefit) cheque arrives,  we will go hungry.    I can only spend money on gas to get to and from work.   I think this is the poorest I’ve been.   I’m working and still drowning.

I'm so afraid of doing things wrong and getting in trouble that I didn't apply for the CRB when the CERB ended back in September.   I was sure that they said you had to have zero income in order to qualify for the CRB.   And since I had started back to teaching I thought I was ineligible.   Then last week I found out that if you are self employed and have lost 50% of your income,  you qualify for the recovery benefit.   So I applied last Friday.   But there is still this part of me that is afraid.  Afraid I'm wrong.  Worried that I don't deserve the benefit even though I have lost more than 50% of my income due to covid. 

I think the depression I’m feeling today is a sense of hopelessness.    Overwhelmed and feeling like I can’t see an end in sight.   It looks like covid will be with us for quite some time.   And that will influence whether or not people bring their dogs to group classes.  Even with strict protocols in effect and everyone wearing masks,  people are still scared.   And I am too.   But I have to work.   So the fear is whether or not we will be able to acquire and sustain registration levels that will keep us financially afloat.   And God forbid any of us should get sick.   I feel like the walls are closing in on me.   Like I have no control.   And at the same time I feel immobilized by this fear.   It doesn’t motivate me.  It paralyzes me.

 

A Strange Dream

 I woke up from a strange dream this morning,  the theme of which was “being left behind”.    It started of with four or five of us heading out on horseback to search for something.   I don’t remember what.   Off we went and along the way we came across a Ranger station where we stopped for some supplies.   The store keeper gave us t-shirts with some kind of logo related to our quest.   There was a bathroom building near the station and I went to use the bathroom only to find when I came back out, that the group had left without me.   I got on my horse and rode to the top of the hill in the direction we had been travelling, thinking that I would see them up ahead, and catch up.   But when I got to the top of the hill there was no one in sight, in any direction.  I was  alone in a place I didn’t know and it didn’t feel safe.   I turned back towards the Ranger station  (ranger station is not the right term but I can’t think of what the right name for the place is)  and as it came into view I saw the shop keeper leaving.   Walking away and then disappeared.   Suddenly I was lost and on foot  (not sure what happened to the horse … haha).   I decided to walk in the direction the shop keeper had gone in because surely there had to be a town or something.   But when I walked there, there was nothing.    Then I saw a shed about the size of a bus shelter and it was windy and getting cold and dark,  so I decided to take shelter in the shed.   When I opened the door,  three of my dogs were inside.   I don’t remember now which ones they were but in the dream I knew them by name.   They were huddled up and had no food or water.   I wend inside with them and spoke to them saying there was no food and I’d let them out to pee and then we’d hunker down for the night,  and get help from the ranger station in the morning.    We were just getting settled down for the night when a car drove up and a woman got out  ….. she had come to rescue us.   She was furious that I’d been abandoned by the search group.  Hours after they’d left me and I hadn’t caught up to them,  they panicked and called home to say where they had left me in the middle of nowhere.   She took me and the three dogs back to the city.

This strange dream triggered the memory of another “being left behind” dream that I used to have.  It was a recurring dream albeit not a frequent one.  It was always my parents leaving me behind.  Sometimes my sister was in the dream too   We’d be in our home (not always the same house) and getting ready to go somewhere and suddenly they’d leave without me.   Sometimes we’d all be in the car and I’d go back inside to get something and they’d drive off without me.   I’d be running behind the car yelling,  “Wait! Wait!”, like a dog that’s been dumped off on the side of the road.  But they would just drive away and leave me,  and I’d end up standing in the road crying as the car went out of sight.   This wasn’t a childhood dream > this is a dream in my adult life.  I’ve had this dream within the past year.

 

Good Things Do Happen

 In the midst of depression I have to remember and recognize that good things do happen.   A donation of dog food is coming my way tomorrow.    And my neighbour and his brother came over a couple of days ago and re-purposed my dog run fencing to extend the barn paddock area.   They even moved the shelter my Dad had built for Stetson and Soleil several years ago,  over to the barn paddock to make up part of the enclosure.  And then patched and reinforced the remaining fencing which had been damaged both by the crazy goat that was here and the high winds we’ve had recently.   And this means Stetson and Freedom can finally come home.