Happy/Sad I was enjoying watching the new tv show “I Can See Your Voice” last night when that sudden wave of sadness came over me. Dad would have loved this show. It would have been one of those shows we enjoyed together. It made me remember us watching Dancing With The Stars together and trying to guess which couple would be eliminated. I think he would have enjoyed this new singing show, trying to pick out the bad singers together. Re-Living Trauma Sometimes when talking about, or writing about past traumatic events, it feels like I’m re-living the trauma. I can feel the panic …. the fear. The shame? God I hate that word. It’s like remembering the trauma is traumatizing. I’m not sure if that makes sense. And sometimes current events that parallel to past events will feel like I’m experiencing the same traum...
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Time Goes By At the beginning of this week I looked at the calendar and saw that the week was completely clear. No classes to teach (I only have two classes running on Sundays right now > still waiting for ODS to re-open). No dogs coming or going. Even therapy and the trauma group are off this week. And I thought, great, a whole week with no commitments, I’ll be able to get lots of stuff done. And here it is, Wednesday, and I’ve accomplished nothing. I don’t even know where the days have gone. It’s been a challenge just to get up each day. My mind is foggy and I feel that my cognizant ability is not online. I feel like I could sit and do nothing but cat nap all day. Where has my energy gone? Where has my passion gone? I can’t even remember what it feels like to be joyful. I woke up this morning feelin...
Reliving The Emotion Of A Traumatic Event I was watching a tv show called Crime Beat. The show is about high profile murder cases in Canada. This particular show was about an unsolved murder from ten years ago. Part way through the show I felt a wave of anxiety (?) wash over me. The victim was a single woman believed to be the victim of a targeted attack. It triggered the memory and fear/emotion I felt when I was stalked. This woman’s case is still open and unsolved after ten years. Ten years after my stalking the police called me to tell me that the case was still open. Maybe it was the ten years, we still don’t know who did this parallel that prompted the rush of emotion I felt while watching the show. Single woman. Targeted attack. Ten years unsolved. The only difference is I’m still alive. Knowing how close I came to...
Today’s Drama Sooooo …… today is Thursday. My mental health day and I can’t connect to OTN for the trauma group. When I click on “start eVisit” it takes me to a blank page. I tried re-starting the computer to see if that would help, but it didn’t. I downloaded Google Chrome browser but that didn’t remedy the problem either. Meanwhile the group has started and I’m not there. I spoke with Sean and he gave me a telephone number for OTN tech support. I’ve just spent over an hour with two different people trying to figure out why I can’t connect to OTN today. Conclusion? “Something” is blocking it from connecting. So basically no answer or solution. The fellow did manage to link me in for my private session with Sean, but wasn’t entirely sure if it would work. I’ll find out in about ten minutes. This experience has lef...
Not Enough Time I’m having that feeling of not enough time again. I think the pandemic is making it worse because it is stealing so much time from us. I’m struggling with that feeling of there not being enough time left to have a good life. Sean says these thoughts are coming from my core beliefs and it’s the core beliefs resisting change. The goal is to recognize that it’s the core beliefs and challenge them, which is hard to do because because they feel so real. I’ve mentioned before, the story of my border collie Molly whose years of life prior to me getting her were abusive and how I only had her for 2yrs before she died from an aggressive cancer. I bought Molly because no one loved her, and she needed someone to love her. I loved her. I was devastated by her death not only because it was so sudden and she was so young, but also because she didn’t live...
The Trouble With Core Beliefs The trouble with core beliefs is that they are fused with our identity. Before we learn about core beliefs, we don’t even know we have them. We don’t know that a core belief is a thought , because it feels like who we are. It’s the difference between thinking, “I’m stupid”, versus , “I’m having a stupid thought”, “or I did a stupid thing”. I am vs I did/thought. So one might think, okay if this is a ‘thought’ then all I have to do is think a more positive thought. There are lots of memes and positivity affirmations to support this. And lots of life coaches who suggest it’s just that simple. Think happy thoughts. Choose to be happy. But the problem is, it’s NOT that simple because these core beliefs are so deeply ingrained that they literally ARE a part of who we are. And someone telli...
What Day Is It? It seems I don’t know what day it is!! I got up early today and got the dogs out, washed my hair, got the laptop set up for todays trauma group session, logged in and sat waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Nothing. I had received two OTN invitations for the session so I wondered if perhaps I’d logged onto the wrong one. Texted Sean to ask which link was correct. Then decided to logout and try the other link. Same response there ….. waiting and nothing. Went back to first link > nothing. Waited a few minutes, then flipped back to the other link. Meanwhile I’m starting to feel panic well up. Questions > why can’t I login > they’re probably wondering where I am and might think I’m bailing on the session. Cue stomach flutters, shaking, and starting to feel super agitated. And then for so...
Out Of Sync Sometimes I feel emotionally stunted. My emotional self doesn’t match my chronological age. I feel out of syn ….. years behind where I should be. Perhaps this plays into the sense of not belonging that I’ve always felt. Imagine a circle and everyone is inside the circle and I’m always on the perimeter. It’s like I don’t quite fit in anywhere. I’m always on the outside. Generations Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying the weight of generations of hurt and trauma. I think of my mothers family and the disfunction and abuse she and her siblings lived through, and wonder what trauma her stepmother endured to make her the abuser she was, and so on down the line. Generations of abuse passed down through the family tree. It feels tragic and triggers an overwhelming sadness. The tragedy of this family has to sto...
Can’t Sleep And it’s 6am again and I’m still awake and not at all sleepy. I was awake until 4:25am yesterday morning, and 6am the night before. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I don’t think I’m feeling particularly stressed but then again, anxiety is part of my ‘normal’, so may have be slightly peaked without my awareness. I haven’t done much again today and once again, feeling guilty for being so lazy. Anger I realized that I don’t really lose my temper with people. I don’t express anger. I’ll feel irritated and annoyed but I supress anything more than that. I think it goes back to never being allowed to express emotion/anger as a child. But I also have a fear of totally losing it. Of losing control. I’ve felt a surge of anger that is frightening. And I worry that if I ever were to walk tha...
Post Trauma Group/Therapy Session Fatigue It’s 3:45am and I’m still awake. Since I haven’t slept , it feels like the same day. It doesn’t feel like ‘yesterday’ yet. Sleep is what separates the days. After trauma group and then my session with Sean today, I mean yesterday, I felt very drained. I sat down with a cup of tea and fell asleep for an hour. And yet now, sleep eludes me. I’m not sure why the sessions are so draining but consensus is that’s normal. We’re heading into fall now and before long it will be dark by 5pm. I find the loss of daylight, coupled with the colder weather, to be a challenging time of year. The darkness of the season brings on a darkness of mood. It was mentioned during trauma group that time of year may affect mood because it may also coincide with the time of year that a trauma was experienced. It got me to thinki...