Downward Spiral I'm feeling really emotional today my emotions are all over the place. We worked on set last night. It wasn't too late, maybe 1:00 AM, but I'm feeling really broken and dejected and I guess at a loose end. It's 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I literally just got up and I want to go back to bed. I want to just lie in bed all day and sleep and do nothing but I have to teach tonight. I'm hoping it's only one class when I check the schedule because I just don't feel that I have the energy mental or physical energy to be all smiles and positive and helping people. Last night was going pretty well and then someone came in and sort of took over. Suddenly I wasn't needed anymore and my old nemesis *rejection* surfaced. I was pushed to the sidelines. Someone took over my job and I don't know if no one noticed or if no one really cared, but either way I had to really stay on top of my emotions bec
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Showing posts from July, 2021
Assertiveness Another part of what is getting me down is my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) with being assertive. And these jobs are forcing my hand in that department. I’m needing to be assertive but I’m so unfamiliar with what that feels like, that I feel like I’m being bitchy. I’m not being bitchy. And I hope that I’m not sounding bitchy. I’m just not accustomed to standing up for myself and I’m so worried about offending people, that I’m second guessing myself and questioning the advisability of being assertive. I know being assertive is necessary, but it feels so uncomfortable. Really Bad Day The worst part about feeling like this is not understanding why I feel like this. I spent the better part of today trying to fight back tears and now I can't hold them back any longer. It's probably a good thing to cry instead of holding the tears back. I don't know. I want to go out but I don’t want to do anything. I want to get dress
Feeling ??? I’m feeling really down today. I have a hard time sometimes identifying my emotions. I’m not sure what I’m feeling other than sad and like I’m going to cry. I’m trying really hard not to be over sensitive or reactive. Yesterday was a long day. We had a group rehearsal for the tv show we are working on. We were at the training hall from 10am until 3pm, and then I had classes to teach. And then the hours of going back and forth in emails sorting out people’s availability for an on site location next week. And making sure everyone is able to drive in for covid testing before the shoot day. So a very long and tiring day. Ah ….. part of todays emotion is about rejection. It just hit me! The other movie job is going behind my back and contacting the dog owner directly with requests for training, practice, and meeting on location. They’ve cut me out of the conversation. I’ve put a good number of hours into this project and now I’m being s
Revelations! So I’ve been in a funk since last Thursday. The zoom production meetings seem to have triggered it. And I was unable to put a finger on why I was feeling so anxious, and weepy, and agitated. It wasn’t until Sunday that I recognized what was causing my distress. It’s boundaries. I’m struggling with boundaries not being respected. We are setting boundaries for the dogs on the shows we are working on and production is not respecting those boundaries. They are pushing us to back down and give into demands that are unacceptable to us. Boundaries are difficult for me in the first place. Setting them and maintaining them. Having to stand firm on boundaries and the internal fight not to back down is challenging. And it’s emotionally exhausting trying to stay strong. Having boundaries challenged and feeling disrespected is upsetting. Thus the funk. Interestingly though, once I realized the problem was related to boundaries, the funk began
Haven’t Had The Mental Energy To Write It’s been a few weeks since I last made an entry. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts. I got my friends SUV and all went well switching ownership. With safety check, new licence plates, ownership tranfer, and taxes (they tax on the value of the vehicle) it cost me $747.00. Not bad for a new to me vehicle!!! I’ve also been really busy with teaching and getting this pit bull tv job organized. We were on set one day last week from 7:30pm until 4:30am! The tv job is stressful. They keep changing their minds about things. Money has been a little more abundant recently too. This past couple of months I haven’t had the same panic about making ends meet. I’m starting to stress out a little now though because the bank balance is going down and no new money is coming in right now. Our trauma group just ended and my private sessions are week on / week off right now as Sean has vacation days. It’s going to be a ro