Counselling There was a time about two years before my dad died when I felt that I was losing my grip. I knew I was slipping. I didn’t really know what was going on. I didn’t know that anxiety, depression, and complex trauma were things that affected me. I’d never even heard of complex trauma and had never thought of the word trauma with regards to myself. But I felt that I was losing control of my emotions. They were closer to the surface. Again it was the lack of privacy, and no social life, and the stress of worrying about my father and the fear of losing him …… it was getting to me. Add to that the fact that I had no boundaries so people took advantage of me all the time , and the burden was getting heavy. One day I noticed that a counselling business had opened up in Waterford, the little town close to us. I saw their pamphlet in the pharmacy one day when I was picking up my dads medications. I remember looking at it and wondering
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Showing posts from November, 2020
Wanting To Die This isn’t about suicide per se, but I remember times growing up when something had triggered a complete emotional breakdown and I would be in my bedroom, face down on the bed sobbing into a pillow. I had to hide my tears. I knew from experience that crying was not met with empathy or compassion but rather, with aggression. So I cried alone. And crying alone, trying to not be discovered, made it worse and more painful. Sobbing those uncontrollable tears that come from the gut … from the very core of your being. The kind of sobbing that leaves you physically weak. It’s an actual pain. You feel in it your chest. It’s not like heart pain. It’s something else from deep inside . It’s hard to explain. It feels like your very soul is being torn out of your body from sobbing so violently. And I can remember lying on my bed crying and saying to God, “I want to die, please just let me die”. Awful Thoughts I’
Core Beliefs > Unloveable/Unworthy We’re talking about our experiences in the trauma group, sharing ‘pieces’ of our stories as they relate to our core beliefs. My most prominent core belief is that I’m unloveable, which ties into feelings of being unworthy and not good enough. It seems that those of us who have experienced some kind of abuse often fall into relationships that mirror that same abuse. A common question that people ask themselves is, “why didn’t I see it coming?” , “why didn’t I see that [_x_] was just like so ‘n so?”. And my answer is , “why would we?” Our core beliefs are so ingrained, so much a part of our identity (even if we don’t realize it), that we don’t see the danger. We don’t recognize the pattern. We are drawn to what is familiar ….. what is our ‘normal’. This got me to thinking about my two serious relationships and why I didn’t see the narcissism in both men. My core belief is that I’m unloveable. T
Stress Of Uncertainty The stress of finances, or lack thereof, is taking its toll. I'm feeling fearful and uneasy. It's been awhile since I've written anything here because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts. Even just holding onto them at times seems an impossible task. This session of classes brought in a decent amount of income. Almost $2500.00. Not a lot, but what 'should have' been enough to get me through the month. But then the mortgage came out. And hydro. And property taxes. And a hay delivery. And then there's food for myself and the animals. Gas to get to and from work. Rent for the training hall in Burlington. And then ..... an unexpected $500 car repair bill. And now the panic is back. I'm down to $200 in the bank and it's only the tenth of the month. The next session of classes doesn't begin until the twenty-third and we don't get paid right at the start of classes. I need $140 per week