Bumper Sticker I saw a bumper sticker today that said: Things To Do Today Get Up Survive Go Back To Bed Yup .... that about sums it up Concerning Thoughts Suicidal thoughts are cropping into my concsious mind. Sitting here in my recliner chair with dog and cats piled on top of me, and watching our Prime Ministers daily press conference on the covid 19 pandemic, I'm feeling a profound emotional malaise. A sense of hopelessness is washing over me. And the thought crept into my mind ..... pills ...... how many would it take. I just want to sleep. To escape from this empty void masquerading as my life. Something is wrong with Tahree and I can't help her because I have no money. If the universe is kind, it's nothing more than an upset tummy. But .... I feel I'm failing her. I can't use the mortgage money because if I bounce the loan payment this month it will put me out of good standing and disqualify
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Showing posts from March, 2020
March 14, 2020 I just slept for 4hrs in a row!!! Wow! That doesn't happen often. Probably exhaustion from the stress of the past couple of days. Coronavirus > Covid 19 The world is under attack from a new virus. Coronavirus, aka Covid 19. It started in Wuhan, China and has spread to over 100 countries, including Canada. Most cases can be traced to people who have been overseas. WHO recommends social distancing to minimize spread of the virus, and those people returning to Canada from out of country are now required to self isolate for fourteen days. WHO had declared this a pandemic. And Ontario, among other places, has declared a state of emergency. No gathering of groups of more than 50 people > and most recently I heard that has been ammended to 10 people. Restaurants, community centres, schools, bars etc. are all closed. Even horse boarding/training facilities have been instructed to close down > no one on farm except for staff
Life Has Always Been In Someone Else's Hands..... I realize now that my life has always been in someone else's hands. And I feel ill equipped to manage and function in this world. Even a medium that I saw once said that the choices and decisions in my life were not mine. Everything was done to facilitate someone else's wishes. The animals were my defiance. My mother was not an animal person ..... she didn't grow up with animals/pets (although I do remember a story about a neighbourhood goat that used to chase them when they were children). My father had an affinity for animals having grown up in rural England with an assortment of animals in his life, but my mother controlled him as she did me, so if she didn't want animals around ...... But animals have a way of wheedling their way into people's lives and a few of them managed to win my mother over .... at least to the point of tolerance, and perhaps fondness for a few. Our first c
I haven't posted in a few weeks due to the computer dying. This new [to me] laptop is painfully slow and I'm having trouble logging into various documents. So these posts cover a couple of weeks. Still Struggling With The Student Thing You know how I feel about conflict and I feel like this student situation has created a conflict, and it's causing me a great deal of distress. Because adding a student was not something I chose, but something that was imposed , it feels like my boundaries of privacy, confidentiality, trust and safety have been crossed. I feel like I can't have a private conversation with Sean anymore because now there's an audience. I'm have a really hard time reconciling the student thing, I thought I could shove my discomfort down, and told myself to just 'push through', 'be strong', and just 'suck it up'. Just get used to it. But I was not prepared for the emotional assault it triggered. I