I Wrote This Four Years Ago ….. I wrote this post on facebook four years ago. Apparently I had a sense that things were going downhill before I had my breakdown. Today I'm reminded that we must remember to be careful how we treat people > what we do > how we do it > what we say / how we say it / & with what tone. Have something helpful to say? Say it in a kind and helpful way. Have something hurtful to say? Say nothing. We don't always know what is going on in someone else's life. What challenges they are facing, be they physical or emotional. How fragile they might be. How close to the edge they might be walking. I know what it's like to walk perilously close to the edge & how the touch of a feather would be all it would take to topple off that ledge. We need to be certain that 'we' are not the feather that pushes someone off the cliff. For many people life is like walking on a tightrope. Every step holds danger, anxiety, fear.
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And So It Begins …… We finally have a fair show booking after 2yrs of no shows due to covid 19. We are booked for seven weekends at Downey’s Farm in September and October. I’m looking at getting some signage and fencing to enhance our area and also for branding. Not to mention hiding some of the clutter that accumulates outside the ring. I’m not sure what I can afford. I have a little bit of cushion financially right now, thanks to the tv show job, but I don’t want to squander it. I feel like I’m hoarding my money now that I have some 😊 I’m so afraid of it running out and being short again. But putting some money into the show is a necessary expenditure. I just need to be careful what I spend and what I spend it on. But the bigger issue with all of this is “boundaries”. My team members don’t always respect boundaries. They are used to manipulating me to get their own way, and I don’t even think they realize they do it most of the tim
Running On Empty I haven’t slept for 2 nights in a row and this morning I had to get Jed to the vet for an 8:30am appointment. I’m exhausted. I feel light headed and a little shaky. I was going to go for a covid vaccine today. I called the pharmacy to confirm that they did walk-ins because I had worked up the courage to go and wanted to get it over with. But as it turned out, they were not doing vaccines today so gave me an appointment for Monday. It’s probably just as well because I’m not feeling well today and probably shouldn’t be driving. I’m running on empty. I’m completely depleted. Mentally and physically Covid Vaccine Got my first covid 19 vaccine today (Monday). I got the Pfizer vaccine at 1:30pm and it is now 10:30pm and so far no side effects and my arm is not sore. Follow Up ….. it’s now Wednesday and happy to say that I had zero side effects from the covid vaccine AND my arm also does not hurt. Wee bit
Leveling Out My emotions seem to be leveling out over the past couple of days. Tuesday I started to feel a bit better. And Wednesday a little bit better again. Today I’m doing okay but feeling some anxiety. Perhaps the recent downward spiral was the result of a few weeks of being very busy and probably trigger stacking, and then once the show wrapped it was a matter of ‘coming down’, or in my case, crashing from the weeks of adrenaline spikes. There are times when coming home triggers a host of emotions including those feelings of being alone, unloved, unwanted, unworthy. The thought of coming home to an empty house. No one to talk to. No one to care about or who cares about me. Sometimes I just don’t want to come home. I just can’t bear it. Meanwhile I’m trying to work up the courage to go and get a covid 19 vaccine. I’m needle and pain phobic and it’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety worrying about it.
Good-Bye Zen and Toonie I ended up having to have Zen euthanized. The paddock seems so empty without him. And my old cat, Toonie, also passed away. Really Not Doing Well I seem to be unable to regulate my emotions. I just want to cry all the time. I have so much to do and yet, can’t manage the energy or motivation to do anything productive. Even making entries to this blog are more than I can manage most days. I’m easily triggered these days. And there are many many triggers. I can’t concentrate to read. I need to work on taxes and had a threatening letter about getting them done in 30 days. I don’t know how many days ago that was as I now cannot find that letter. But it’s hanging over my head as a threat and that makes me afraid. But I still can’t manage the mental energy to work on it. I slept almost all day yesterday and didn’t get up until 2pm today. Another day wasted. I’m in that state of paralysis where I’m so a