Happy/Sad I was enjoying watching the new tv show “I Can See Your Voice” last night when that sudden wave of sadness came over me. Dad would have loved this show. It would have been one of those shows we enjoyed together. It made me remember us watching Dancing With The Stars together and trying to guess which couple would be eliminated. I think he would have enjoyed this new singing show, trying to pick out the bad singers together. Re-Living Trauma Sometimes when talking about, or writing about past traumatic events, it feels like I’m re-living the trauma. I can feel the panic …. the fear. The shame? God I hate that word. It’s like remembering the trauma is traumatizing. I’m not sure if that makes sense. And sometimes current events that parallel to past events will feel like I’m experiencing the same trauma again. I wonder if this ever goes away? Panic This morning there was a message from the owner of the dog school telling
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Showing posts from October, 2020
Time Goes By At the beginning of this week I looked at the calendar and saw that the week was completely clear. No classes to teach (I only have two classes running on Sundays right now > still waiting for ODS to re-open). No dogs coming or going. Even therapy and the trauma group are off this week. And I thought, great, a whole week with no commitments, I’ll be able to get lots of stuff done. And here it is, Wednesday, and I’ve accomplished nothing. I don’t even know where the days have gone. It’s been a challenge just to get up each day. My mind is foggy and I feel that my cognizant ability is not online. I feel like I could sit and do nothing but cat nap all day. Where has my energy gone? Where has my passion gone? I can’t even remember what it feels like to be joyful. I woke up this morning feeling sad and on the verge of tears. How is that even possible? How can one be sad in their sleep? As I go through these feelings I
Reliving The Emotion Of A Traumatic Event I was watching a tv show called Crime Beat. The show is about high profile murder cases in Canada. This particular show was about an unsolved murder from ten years ago. Part way through the show I felt a wave of anxiety (?) wash over me. The victim was a single woman believed to be the victim of a targeted attack. It triggered the memory and fear/emotion I felt when I was stalked. This woman’s case is still open and unsolved after ten years. Ten years after my stalking the police called me to tell me that the case was still open. Maybe it was the ten years, we still don’t know who did this parallel that prompted the rush of emotion I felt while watching the show. Single woman. Targeted attack. Ten years unsolved. The only difference is I’m still alive. Knowing how close I came to being a murder victim generates intense fear in me. One would think that my emotion should be one of relief because I avo
Today’s Drama Sooooo …… today is Thursday. My mental health day and I can’t connect to OTN for the trauma group. When I click on “start eVisit” it takes me to a blank page. I tried re-starting the computer to see if that would help, but it didn’t. I downloaded Google Chrome browser but that didn’t remedy the problem either. Meanwhile the group has started and I’m not there. I spoke with Sean and he gave me a telephone number for OTN tech support. I’ve just spent over an hour with two different people trying to figure out why I can’t connect to OTN today. Conclusion? “Something” is blocking it from connecting. So basically no answer or solution. The fellow did manage to link me in for my private session with Sean, but wasn’t entirely sure if it would work. I’ll find out in about ten minutes. This experience has left me feeling very nervous and stressed. I have that skittish feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I feel shaky. And upset.
Not Enough Time I’m having that feeling of not enough time again. I think the pandemic is making it worse because it is stealing so much time from us. I’m struggling with that feeling of there not being enough time left to have a good life. Sean says these thoughts are coming from my core beliefs and it’s the core beliefs resisting change. The goal is to recognize that it’s the core beliefs and challenge them, which is hard to do because because they feel so real. I’ve mentioned before, the story of my border collie Molly whose years of life prior to me getting her were abusive and how I only had her for 2yrs before she died from an aggressive cancer. I bought Molly because no one loved her, and she needed someone to love her. I loved her. I was devastated by her death not only because it was so sudden and she was so young, but also because she didn’t live long enough for the greater portion on her life to have been longer than the unloved portion